


Awakened

by Thatmalu



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abusive Parents, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Between Chapters 1 & 2, Bisexual Disaster Richie Tozier, Characters Meet During the 27 Years (IT), Closeted, Comfort/Angst, Driver Eddie Kaspbrak, Drug Addiction, During the 27 Years (IT), First Love, First Meetings, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, Fix-It, Gay Disaster Eddie Kaspbrak, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, POV Eddie Kaspbrak, Shameless Smut, Soft Richie Tozier, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, They Still Don't Remember, Two Endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 68,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24345673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmalu/pseuds/Thatmalu
Summary: 29 year old Eddie Kaspbrak is trying to build a stable life for himself. The problem is, he doesn't really like his fiance, his bedridden mother is driving him insane, and every day life just seems to stress him out to no end.That is until he meets a stranger on a night out who awakens feelings that Eddie finds both familiar and... terrifying.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 90
Kudos: 154





	1. The Night Nothing Happened

**Author's Note:**

> A few days ago I finished a fic and said I was probably done. Well, I lied. Hard.
> 
> So I present to you my poorly summarized fic featuring my favorite boys in their late 20's. Tags may serve as TW, but if there's anything that may be intense, I will always add a note beforehand. I hope you enjoy!

Eddie Kaspbrak gripped his steering wheel tightly, watching the knuckles of his left hand whiten as the leather squeaked beneath his grip. It had stopped raining several hours ago, but the streets were still glistening wet and reflective under the millions of New York City lights from the skyscrapers and streetlamps above. The sun had set since Eddie arrived at his destination, but it made little difference in the lively and bustling city. The twenty-nine year old was sat in his limo, awaiting some pretentious award-winner that he had taken here just a couple hours ago, a busty broad under each his arms. He wasn’t looking forward to dealing with whatever sex acts he’d have to endure when they came back drunk, or the mess he’d have to clean up after, but he certainly wasn’t expecting to already have blistering anger under his skin because of a phone call he received from his fiancé.

“Eddie, it’s not safe to drive when the roads are slick like this.”

God, Myra. Every time he heard her speak, a sickly feeling twisted through his insides, coiling and clawing through his innards and squeezing tight until he wanted to vomit. There had been days that he could bury it down, sometimes even enjoy a conversation with her about their shared interests. But as their wedding day neared, whatever elastic grace and patience had been possessing him was readying to snap. And she knew, she damn well _knew_ she was not supposed to call his cell phone while he was working, he had told her at least a hundred times. Yet here he was, one hand on his wheel gripping tight enough to prevent him from punching something, the other holding his little flip phone up to his ear, breathing an exasperated sigh into the speaker.

“Myra…” Eddie started slowly. “I have been driving for well over a decade. I have been driving a limo for over five goddamn years, how many times do I have to assure you – ”

“Do not _speak_ to me like that, Eddie!” Myra cried back, already sounding on the verge of tears. “You _know_ how stressed I am trying to plan this wedding for us and make our special day perfect, it may very well be the last time the family is all together again what with your moms health being the way it is right now – ”

“ _Sweetheart_ ,” Eddie said dryly. “I know, I know all of that, but I am trying to make a living to _pay_ for all these things, and I can’t be taking personal calls when I’m waiting for a client. Please, just…” he trailed off, catching sight of a crowd starting to disperse from the building he was waiting at, knowing his client was somewhere in the throng about to look for his driver. “Honey, I got to go, my client is here.”

“Eddie – ”

Eddie snapped the phone shut, knowing that he was going to get an earful later for hanging up on her. He quickly made sure his phone volume was down and exited his car, grabbing a sign with his clients name on it in case he did not recognize Eddie from several hours ago. Like he always did, he jogged around to the other side of his limo, waiting patiently until he saw his client wave drunkenly at him before saying goodbye to some prestigious looking people and allowing himself to get into the back of the limo, where Eddie was holding the door open for him, greeting him kindly as he did so. The two women he had been with before were missing and replaced instead by some shiny looking award he had received at the ceremony.

The man that sat in the back of Eddie’s limo stirred some strange emotions that Eddie had not before realized, now that neither of them were distracted or bothered by the two giggling ladies from before. His client was quiet now, staring intently at his golden trophy. Eddie couldn’t help but notice how good-looking he was; broad shouldered, kind eyes, and a sharp jaw line splattered in a decent amount of stubble. He looked like the kind of guy that ran for prom king and served as the high school quarterback. He looked like the kind of guy that breezed through middle and high school, probably college too, charming his way through classes and having a hot girlfriend on his arm at all times; the kind of guys that had an easy, privileged life. Eddie always liked to imagine those guys grew up to get fat and lose their hair, but this guy looked like one of those Brazilian soccer players that Myra went nuts for and made Eddie feel… flustered.

Which was silly, of course. A man shouldn’t cause such a reaction within him, but he supposed it was just a form of jealousy. Or… something.

“Hey,” came a soft voice behind Eddie. He looked up into his rearview mirror to see his client looking up at him curiously. “I’m sorry, I forgot your name.”

“Uh, Eddie. Just Eddie is fine.”

“Eddie,” he mused, nodding slowly as if he was trying to commit it to memory. As if somehow they’d find themselves in another conversation in the future. His voice was a little rougher than Eddie remembered, slightly hoarse but still somehow comforting. “You know, Eddie, this is my first award.”

“That’s a pretty big deal,” Eddie replied, smiling kindly at him through the mirror. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” his client replied unenthusiastically, looking back down at his prize. “You ever drive around someone famous?”

“Al Pacino sat in that very seat last week.”

“Really?”

“Sure did.”

The client went silent for a moment. And then –

“Hey, Eddie, can I ask you a personal question.”

“Uh, sure. I mean, I can’t guarantee I’ll answer it, but you’re free to ask whatever you want.”

Eddie’s eyes darted periodically back to his client as he spoke; his face was completely changed since Eddie had first picked him up. Hours ago, he was grinning and laughing and looked absolutely delightful. Now he looked like Eddie had just picked him up from a funeral.

“Eddie, do you ever feel like no matter how good things go for you or no matter how much you accomplish and get out of life, that you can’t stop feeling empty? Like, there’s a big chunk of you that’s missing and you can never feel content or complete?”

Eddie didn’t answer right away. His mouth became very dry, his chest fluttering unpleasantly as he digested the strangers words. It felt like the universe was putting him on the spot, like a spotlight was beaming down at him and demanding his secrets spill out of him. Because, really, Eddie had no right to complain, having chosen every aspect of his life by his own free will. His life should make him happy. Theo, the owner of the limousine company, had confided in Eddie that he was willing to pass along the business to him at the end of the fiscal year, after Eddie would return from his honeymoon. It was everything Eddie could have wanted after busting his ass getting a business degree, settling for driving after he graduated, something he didn’t really mind too much as he loved to do it, and working his way to a senior manager at the company after just a few years under Theo’s guidance. He was marrying someone who had promised to devote her life to take care of him the way he… the way she said he needed to be taken care of, because he was a hard-working man, but he was sick and delicate and his mother couldn’t be there for him forever. So Myra was second best.

But a life with Myra wasn’t what he wanted. Hell, he didn’t even want a life with his mother. Deep down, Eddie knew he hated his mother. Well, no, that was too cruel… but he certainly hated how she treated him, how she was as a person in general. But he probably wouldn’t have survived without her. And Myra was the spitting image of her, inside and out.

Eddie certainly had no luck with women in the past; he definitely had no right to be picky. Myra was the third woman he had ever slept with. He didn’t lose his virginity until his 21st birthday, when he was out with friends from school. His friend Erwin had offered for Eddie to stay the night so he wouldn’t come home to his mother’s drunk, and he somehow ended up going back to Erwin’s with a woman. It should have been suspicious from the start. She was tall, curvy, and objectively beautiful, with long blonde hair she kept twirling as they spoke. She seemed so interested in him, and Eddie could not fathom why, but he wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. It didn’t feel right when she straddled him in the taxi on the way back to Erwin’s. It didn’t feel right sliding his hand up her thigh and feeling the wetness between her legs. It didn’t even feel right feeling her body, her breasts feeling more in the way than arousing. But until this very day, he still shudders thinking of her on top of him on the sofa, grinding their hips together, bouncing her body on top of his until Eddie squeezed his eyes tight and thought about that new movie that had just come out at the time, Titanic and that actor Leonardo DiCaprio popped into his head and he came embarrassingly quickly. Which, he told himself was because a very hot woman was on top of him and not because he was thinking of a man. He _hadn’t_ been thinking of the man, he told himself, he was just thinking about how sad the movie was in hopes that it would prolong the sex… right?

What made the entire situation much worse was the teasing grin the girl had on her face when she looked down at him, stuttering apologies up at her before his three stupid friends came out of hiding with confetti poppers and cheered that their stupid, tiny, little idiot friend had finally lost his v-card… to a prostitute they had hired.

How fucking funny for them.

When Eddie spent the next half hour scrubbing himself so harshly in the shower that his skin was bleeding, and when he kept throwing up thinking about the incident, and when he went to half a dozen different appointments the next few days, he told himself that it was because he slept with someone _dirty_. He blabbered on about STD’s and demanded a million tests for every possible disease, getting sick to his stomach every time the memories resurfaced, and promptly showering again until his skin was rubbed raw. It wasn’t because he had slept with a girl. He was a man. He was supposed to have sex with girls. That’s not what was making him sick, he told himself.

 _Not_ wanting to sleep with girls, now _that_ would make him sick. Imagine if he wanted to sleep with men? That would make him very sick.

Or so his mother would say.

And so Myra would say as well. He had heard slurs utter from her lips on several occasions, looking down disdainfully at the _queers_ they’d see often downtown. Eddie had expressed a few times to her that he didn’t feel comfortable hearing those words, though was never quite able to explain to her that he had been called those words so many times they triggered an onslaught of terrible memories. It would make her too upset to tell her that. She would probably get into a fit, maybe she would suspect something was _wrong_ with him.

Not that she ever expected something was wrong now, despite Eddie’s utter distaste for touching her, their infrequent sex, or his dissatisfaction when he was physically with her in that nature. Eddie supposed it was just Myra and tried not to think about how unsatisfied he was with his sex life in general. He often just tried not to let it bother him.

“I shouldn’t have asked that,” mumbled the client behind him, pulling Eddie from his thoughts as he sat silently, contemplating how to answer.

“No, it’s OK,” Eddie said, glancing back at him again. “It’s just… a loaded question. I’m not really sure how to answer. Are you, uh… feeling some type of way about the award?”

His client chuckled, placing the award down next to him. “I guess you can say that. I guess I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. I mean, I’m not even thirty yet, I’ve got this bright promising career ahead of me, I have a gorgeous home, I can practically get any woman I want. But it’s not enough, and I don’t know why.”

Eddie wasn’t sure how to respond to this strange humble-brag statement, so he didn’t. He never usually got too personal with the people he drove around, not really ever interested in their personal lives. No one ever really seemed interested in his, and he liked it that way.

“Where are you from, Eddie?”

It wasn’t an odd question, certainly, but it struck Eddie in an odd way, because… he can’t actually remember anyone ever asking him that before. _How long have you been in New York?_ Now that was a common question he had received years ago, maybe in college, but no one bothered wondering where Eddie was before that. If that wasn’t strange enough, Eddie drew a complete and utter blank. Why the hell couldn’t he remember? Certainly he hadn’t always lived in Queens before coming out to Manhattan. His energy may have matched the city, but what kind of accent did he have as a young man? Where was his mother from?

“I grew up in New England,” Eddie said slowly, trying to dissect his brain.

“Whereabouts?”

“Maine,” Eddie said automatically. Yeah, that sounded about right. He sounded like he could be from Maine, maybe.

“I think I lived in Maine,” the stranger mused. “I lived all over the place, especially up in New England. Beautiful and scary place up there.”

“Y-yeah,” said Eddie, suddenly feeling uneasy. They had arrived at the hotel, and Eddie was quick to get out of his seat and run around to let the stranger out, not wanting to talk to him anymore. He quickly flung open the back passengers door to allow his client to step out, reaching a hand out to help him up out of the seat and letting the gentlemen slip Eddie’s tip in his hand smoothly. Eddie muttered a thanks as the man departed, but saw that he had drunkenly forgotten (or maybe purposefully left) his award on the seat behind him. Eddie ducked down to grab it, briefly reading the _Young Architects and Designers Committee_ on the plaque, before standing up and calling out.

“Mr. Handsome – ” Eddie flushed deep red, mental screaming at that embarrassing slip up.

“Hanscom,” he corrected, paying Eddie’s embarrassing gaffe little mind. “Just Ben is fine. Thanks, Eddie. It was nice to meet you.”

“G-goodnight, Ben,” Eddie stammered, slamming the door shut and quickly clambered back around the car to the driver’s seat.

God, how _embarrassing_. What the hell was wrong with him? He had no right to be this flustered talking to a dude, just because he was good looking.

But that wasn’t all there was to it, was there? There was something else beneath the surface that was itching Eddie’s brain. It was like trying to pull a distantly remembered dream, foggy and unsettling. The words kept repeating in his head. Mr. Handsome. Mr. Handsome. Mr. Handsome.

They were not echoing back in Eddie’s inner voice, no. It was that of a child. Eddie had a strange image of some gangly boy; barely a teen, with crooked glasses on his face and a shit-eating grin, his body sprawled out on – a hammock.

_“Nice of you to show up, Mr. Handsome.”_

_“Don’t – don’t call me that.”_

_“Oh, sorry. I forgot that name was reserved for my cutie-patootie Eddie love.” He turned to Eddie and winked._

_“Shut up, Trashmouth.”_

”Shut up, Trashmouth,” Eddie repeated softly, feeling the words feel familiar on his tongue. What a strange thing to remember suddenly from that small interaction. He couldn’t remember where these children were from. Perhaps his home town? Wherever the hell that was. It felt like it was somewhere underground, the fresh scent of dirt and wood invading Eddie’s senses at the memory. The third boy in the underground room, the boy that was called “Mr. Handsome,” was just a bit taller than Eddie from what he could remember, very overweight but sweet looking. Perhaps he had the same name as the gentleman Eddie had just met and it sprung that memory up. Nothing weird or flirty about that.

But when Eddie pictured the other boy, his body reacted viscerally. Despite sitting down, Eddie gripped the door handle to steady himself, suddenly feeling flushed and dizzy. His stomach had dropped like he had skipped a step going down a stairwell. He opened the middle console and pulled out a tote bag that stored his medications, a vast amount of pill bottles rattling about. He popped out a couple Valium’s and Percocet, already feeling a headache coming on after his anticipated panic attack. They went rough down his throat as he dry swallowed them, gasping a dry breath and trying to relax and slow his breathing down. Eddie had many panic attacks, headaches, and all sorts of medical issues that he was frustrated by but used to by now. What was strange to him now was this invasive memory of these childhood friends Eddie had never remembered until just now and how goddamn intrusive they were. He made the mistake of picking up his phone and saw he had 17 missed called from Myra. This did not help.

With impending dread and a knot in his stomach, he started making his way back to drop off the limo at the garage and lock it up. He grabbed a Red Bull from the vending machine on his way out, already feeling the medicine kicking in and making him sleepy, but the knot in his stomach had dissipated and he wasn’t so anxious walking into the door to finally call Myra.

Thank god they didn’t live together. She still lived with her parents, and Eddie reasoned with himself that once they were living together, she would be less overbearing. Because she’d know where he was all the time, she’d be taking care of their home for him, and she’d organize his things, and take care of all his medicine… she’d stop fussing and just DO everything. Eddie supposed he could handle that, when the time comes. He and his mother already had this sort of thing covered.

“Eddie-bear,” came Sonia’s voice from the living room. “Why are you home so late?”

Eddie sighed as he took his jacket off, hanging it up with his umbrella next to the door. “Ma, I told you what time I was working until.”

“You promised me you’d stop doing these late night shifts, Eddie.”

Eddie made his way into the living room, where his mother sat on her home hospital bed, reclined up for her to better watch TV from next to the loveseat. Eddie had a second bedroom that he had insisted on putting her in, but Myra about threw a fit about “ruining the baby’s room” by placing his ill mother in there. They had never even discussed having children before that point, and Eddie had constantly spoke about turning it into a small office he could work in while simultaneously taking care of Sonia, but that just wouldn’t do. Even Sonia insisted that Eddie comply, agreeing that Myra was fit enough to take of a baby for him while he was at work and would be perfectly capable of taking care of a baby and Eddie both. Eddie was also suspicious that his mother wanted to be as close to the kitchen as possible, as to avoid any excuses for Eddie getting her snacks.

The woman sat now, as she had for her whole life from what Eddie could remember, in front of the television screen. She had reached an exaggerating weight in her later years and parts of her body had started spilling over the sides of the bed, her body being kept together by the handrails on the sides. Eddie had seen pictures of his father, a fairly thin man that looked like a shorter Anthony Perkins. He was grateful he took a lot of his appearance after his dad and didn’t fear bloating up like his mother. She also had always made sure he never ate enough as a child to grow big and strong, anyway. Part of him wondered if he would’ve grown taller or stronger had he not spent many nights of his childhood being told he was too sick for a full meal, being forced saltines for dinner many nights. Meanwhile his mother was still eating most of the groceries he brought home and racking up his electric bill watching her shows all day.

“Theo really needed someone to cover tonight, ma. I’m the senior manager; I have to be available when he needs me.”

“Eddie, _I_ need you. You weren’t here to get my nightly meds or get my dinner.”

“What happened with Myra? She was supposed to come over.”

“That’s not the point, Eddie,” his mother added firmly, and Eddie resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “You are very lucky you found such a caring girl to take care of you, Eddie. Not like that little hussy you were dating before.”

Eddie sneered at her behind her back. Nothing had really been wrong with his last girlfriend, Liv. She was very sweet, very patient, and very studious. She was a junior at NYU when Eddie was a senior, sharing a few classes together because she was studying economics while he was in the business program. She was bright and caring, and didn’t mind spending nights just cuddling and reading together, never pressuring Eddie to have sex; not that he wasn’t interested. She was very attractive, but… Eddie was working full time while attending school and completing his senior capstone, so he was always exhausted. When they had ever been intimate it wasn’t bad, but Eddie always felt like something was… missing. But Liv would always give him some knowing smile, caress his cheek and said she “understood.” What it was she understood, she never really said. But it always gave Eddie comfort knowing she was so supportive of… whatever it was.

The nail in the coffin had been, of course, Eddie’s mother. He took Sonia out to dinner one night for her birthday, and she said he could bring his girlfriend. She looked on the verge of anger and tears the whole night, and finally spoke up when Liv went to the bathroom, finally voicing what Eddie should have foreseen as a problem: Liv was black. It had never made a difference to Eddie, but when Sonia had the audacity to call her the n-word, just as Liv had come up from behind her and overheard, she ran out in tears.

They had both agreed it was best not to see each other after that.

As much as Sonia liked Myra, though, Myra would never, _could_ never win over Eddie’s affections more than his own mother. She insisted he wait to call Myra so he could dote on her instead, and he allowed himself another Valium to deal with the impending stress that would come with that. Even when he finally got up to his room, Eddie could hardly say he was ripping the band-aid when the band-aid ripped slowly into him for an hour straight as he ‘Yes dear’ and ‘No dear’d her to death. He was utterly exhausted by the end of it and didn’t want to lose any more sleep thinking about it, so he chugged a bit of NyQuil from his cabinet to ease him into sleep.

“Do you ever do anything fun, Eddie?”

When Monday morning came, Eddie and his coworker, Chris, were cleaning out the limos that had been taken out the night before. Eddie was moaning about his mom and Myra from the backseat, taking some of his anger out on the leather of the seats while Chris was wiping down the cup holders covered in dry alcohol and what seemed to be a little vomit.

“I don’t have time for fun,” Eddie groaned.

“When was the last time you went out for a drink with us? With anyone, for that matter? Maybe we should just go out, grab a few beers and shoot the shit this week, what do you think?”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t know, man. I gotta make sure someone is with my mom in the evening to get her meds and her dinner, help her with the bathroom – ”

“Stop, stop,” Chris scoffed, shaking his head before shoving the bangs of his blond fringe back. “I don’t want to hear any of that shit, no one does. You need a break, my little dude. Just pick a day we’re both off and tell your wifey that she needs to help out with your mom for the night. Isn’t that part of what she signed up for when she agreed to marry you? Besides, what does she do all day, anyway? Doesn’t she live with her parents? That’s some bullshit that she gets to spend all day getting her nails done and hanging around while you work your ass off.”

Eddie was often quick to defend Myra, despite Chris being absolutely right. She did a lot for him, especially for a woman that didn’t even live with him yet, and it didn’t seem very fair to lie to her about his whereabouts. But in the past, when he had asked her about going out with friends, she would play the victim card, tears down her face about why she couldn’t come with him, or why he needed to be there for Sonia, or question the intentions of the ”so-called friends” he had chosen to go out with. He often never bothered, because it was more of a hassle and just caused him more stress than the fun was worth.

Maybe, just this once… it would be worth it.

“All right, fine,” Eddie huffed. Chris pumped his fist, but Eddie raised his index finger at him in a warning. “But nowhere crazy! Just a few drinks at a bar for a couple hours. I don’t trust anyone to not take pictures and put them up on their fucking MySpace or whatever, so just the two of us, OK?”

“Deal, bro,” Chris grinned as he moved to start vacuuming the carpet flooring.

Eddie hopped out of the limo, throwing the rags in a little caddy with all the cleaning products and went to go to the next car in the garage. Chris was behind him again, following along to their next task.

“Do you like stand-up?” Chris asked him.

“Like Eddie Murphy and stuff?”

“Yeah, well, maybe not anyone that famous. My girlfriend sometimes bartends at this little basement bar called Free Spirits. They have musicians during the week and bring in some small time stand-up comedians on Friday nights. We can go next time she’s working so we can get free booze. We’ll get together, have a few laughs – ”

“’Come out to the coasts, we’ll get together, have a few laughs,’” Eddie laughed, looking up at Chris cocking an eyebrow at him. “It’s from Die Hard.”

“All right, well I promise it won’t end with machine guns and terrorists,” Chris chuckled back.

“You know what? I could use a few laughs. Fuck it. Let’s do it. Friday at Free Spirits, deal?”

“Word. Their early line-up starts at 7 P.M. So get mama Kaspbrak her dinner nice and early, make sure Myra keeps her company, and we’ll meet up there at like, what, 6:30? It’s downtown in the Meatpacking District. Sounds good?”

“Perfect,” Eddie said, spending the rest of his morning with a smile on his face.

Hell, he spent the rest of the week quite happy about the prospect of going out. The last time he had been out to do anything that had nothing to do with his mother, his job, or his wedding plans was for his birthday. What was even sadder was that his birthday was on the presidential election, and he had only gone out to cast his vote, which might as well have been tossed in the trash after _Dubya_ Bush was elected, somehow, _again_. It was just a waste of his day, like it usually was.

It didn’t surprise Eddie in the slightest when he was met with some resistance.

“Why can’t you just say _no_ , Eddie?” Myra cried, standing in his kitchen as he pulled out a ‘snack’ bag for ‘work’, which was really just a brown paper back with some garbage in it that Eddie was going to throw out on his way to the bar.

“Myra,” Eddie sighed, popping a Valium so she could see him taking something and know how much stress she was causing. “How many times do I have to explain this? If I keep working extra hard and taking all these shifts, Theo is going to _give me the business_ by the end of the year. Do you know what that means for me? What that means for us? This would set us up for life. I’d have a _business_ by the time I’m thirty.”

“Eddie, that’s too much for you. I love you, but you know you’re already working too hard as it is.”

“Honey, this is what I have been working towards.” _And I don’t need you telling me what I can or can’t handle._ “Look, I have to go. We’ll talk later, OK?”

Before she could retort, he gave her a quick peck on the cheek and hurried out to the front door, making as much ruckus as possible as to pretend he couldn’t hear her still speaking behind him. He knew she would bitch about it later, but not to the extent if she knew where he was really going, and no more than she would do on any other given day.

Soon, Eddie found himself at a high-top table, eating disgustingly delicious cheesy nachos and kicking back a few beers. Myra would be back at home by the time he went back, but he had planned to stop at a convenience store for some mints and a soda to wash out the taste of alcohol before he headed back. The line-up was pretty funny and Eddie felt himself blushing when one of the women on stage acted a scene from her story out on stage by humping the microphone stand. Eddie didn’t hear the name of the next comedian coming up on stage as he asked Chris’s girlfriend, Heather, for another drink. He checked his phone for texts from Myra out of habit.

“Dude, cut it out,” Chris warned, swatting at Eddie’s phone. “Stop worrying about it until you have to.”

“Easy for you to – ”

Eddie glanced back up at the stage and suddenly felt like the floor had dropped out from beneath him. His mind melted into nothingness as his insides grew hot, sweat starting to build on his palms and under his arms. He could not hear what this new comedian was saying as he stared at his lips move.

There was nothing unordinary about this man. Well, he was certainly tall, extraordinarily tall, especially for a 5’4 pipsqueak like Eddie. But he was otherwise pretty normal looking; someone Eddie wouldn’t take a second glance at walking down the street. He had a wide, almost infectious grin on his face the entire time he spoke as the crowd laughed along to what he was saying. His hair was dark, wild and curly, and his dark eyes were behind these black-framed crooked glasses that kept slipping down the bridge of his nose. Every time he giggled at a joke he had just told or shoved his glasses up with his middle finger, it sent a flutter of butterflies through Eddie’s stomach. His mouth had gone dry and he reached down into his pocket for an emergency Valium he had shoved in there, swallowing it down with the backwash left in his near-empty glass. The man belted out a hefty, cheerful laugh and Eddie gazed up at him and somewhere in his empty mind, thought the word _beautiful_.

“I don’t feel so good,” Eddie muttered. “Maybe I shouldn’t have that beer after all.”

“No sweat, man,” Chris managed through his laughter at whatever the comedian had said.

“I’m gonna – I’ll be at the bar.”

Eddie got up unsteadily from his chair, nearly falling as he did so, muttering apologies to the inanimate object as he stumbled over to the bar where Heather was getting some more beers.

“Hey,” he said when he got up to the bar. “I’m gonna cancel that beer.”

“Oh, sure,” Heather said, putting one of the empty pints away. “You OK?”

“Kind of. Actually, not really. Can I have some water?”

“Sure, hun,” she said, concern in her eyes. “Why don’t you head home? I’m going to head out with Chris after, anyway. He can come hang out with me up here.”

Eddie thanked her and took his glass, sitting on the far end of the bar to gently sip the cold water as he tried to calm down. It was the strangest panic attack he had ever experienced. His mind was melding together strange images that felt both new and familiar to him; an arcade, a river, a sewer pipe, a hammock –

That damn hammock again. Whatever it was, it was causing Eddie to have some sort of fit every time he thought about it. That tall, gangly boy grinning from the inside of it certainly did look a lot like the comedian on stage… maybe that’s what was bothering Eddie. Whatever that memory served, that man had triggered it somehow by his resemblance to the boy from Eddie’s memory. Was it even a real memory though?

And why did he call him _beautiful_?

“Whiskey neat, please.”

Eddie perked up, feeling an electrical jolt to his heart as he saw the tall comedian leaning against the bar talking to Heather.

“You think I don’t know your go-to by now?” Heather laughed back.

Eddie watched the taller man sit down and take his whiskey down in one go, not bothering to savor it. He looked tired now that he wasn’t up entertaining, playing with his glass absentmindedly as another comedian was introduced on stage and Heather went to attend to another patron. Eddie didn’t even realize he was staring until the man looked up at him.

Some sort of noise escaped Eddie’s throat involuntarily as he slipped out of his chair. The man’s eyes were locked on him so intensely that Eddie felt his personal space was invaded despite the distance between them. In his panic, he looked around and immediately saw a large, green door to the men’s restroom across the bar. He looked back quickly to see if the man was still looking at him, and he was. Eddie couldn’t quite take it anymore and left the rest of his water on the counter as he practically ran across the room.

Eddie stumbled into the bathroom, a small and dingy little room with a single stall and countertop sink. There was a single, dim light flickering above the mirror, and the green-painted walls seemed to reflect a green glow that made Eddie’s face look sickly in the mirror. Maybe he really was sick. He certainly felt so. He thought about running to the toilet, in case he was going to vomit, but he leaned over the sink, taking slow and deliberate breaths. Just when he thought his heart was calming down, he was startled when the bathroom door opened behind him. Eddie looked up into the mirror and met the eyes of the man behind him – the comedian from the stage, slowly closing the door in a deliberate motion, staring intently at Eddie.

“Uh, sorry,” Eddie stammered, making to leave. “I was just leaving…” But Eddie stopped, seeing the taller gentleman locking the door behind him, looking down at Eddie like he was staring down a meal.

Eddie’s heart picked up again, thumping loudly enough in his chest that he wouldn’t be surprised if the other man heard it echoing against the tile walls. Was he about to be mugged? Assaulted? Why was Eddie getting anxious from the way this man stared down at him, slowly sauntering over to Eddie as he backed up until his back hit the cold metal wall?

“How do you wanna do this?” the comedian whispered. Eddie didn’t know why, but it sent shivers down his spine.

“Wha – I don’t…”

Eddie waited for his mouth to go dry, for his chest to constrict and his breath to become erratic at the upcoming panic attack. None of that happened as this large man reached forward, pressing Eddie firmly into the wall behind him and – and – _kissing_ him.

Eddie should’ve shoved him off. Eddie should’ve smacked him. Eddie should have done literally anything else except the thing he was doing right now, reaching up to wrap his arms around this strange man’s neck and opening his mouth to him, his chest fluttering pleasantly as the man scooped him up, his large hands on Eddie’s thighs, and pressed him harder into the wall, Eddie’s legs automatically wrapping around him. His mind went completely blank, hyper focused on how this man’s tongue, now dancing against his own in his mouth, tasted like whiskey and lime, how the stubble on his face rubbed roughly against Eddie’s face and sent pleasure waves down his body that he hadn’t felt before. He couldn’t remember having ever gotten hard so quickly in his life, feeling the man’s erection against his own between their legs, grinding against each other.

His hair – holy fuck _his hair –_ was so lush, which it had no business being with how much of a disaster it looked. It was a little sweaty, but Eddie paid no mind as he slid his fingers into it and tugged tightly to press this man’s face into his own. He felt a moan vibrate out of the man’s throat, and he pressed himself harder into Eddie, kneading Eddie’s ass under his fingertips, forcing him to gasp at the sensation, briefly breaking the kiss before their tongue’s were entwined again, and Eddie moaned back into his mouth.

There wasn’t enough time to process how quickly he was approaching his orgasm, barely able to register the pull in his belly before the sensation hit and he squeezed his thighs tightly around this stranger, feeling himself spill into his own pants as the man rubbed into him. His moans dyed down to little whimpers in his throat as his mind came to again, trying to process what had just happened, pushing the man’s chest back and breaking their kiss apart.

“Did – did you just – ”

“No, I – I didn’t do anything, I – I need to leave,” Eddie stammered, his face reddening as he shoved the stranger off of him and letting himself drop roughly to the ground.

“Hey, man, it’s OK,” the comedian said softly, watching Eddie curiously.

Eddie was scrubbing his hands raw at the sink, gargling soapy water in his throat and spitting it out, trying not to catch his own gaze in the mirror. In his peripherals, he caught the man adjusting himself in his pants and fixing his glasses, which had become even more lopsided.

“Well, uh, I guess you haven’t done that before,” he said awkwardly, staring at the back of Eddie’s head.

“Of course not,” Eddie snapped, still scrubbing his hands. “I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking.”

Eddie briefly looked up and saw the man raise his eyebrows. “Yeah, I guess I should’ve taken you kissing me back and humping me as a no.”

“Fuck off. I wasn’t – I didn’t – ”

“Relax, man. It’s fine. I thought you were giving me the signal.”

“The _what_?”

“The signal to follow you into the bathroom and… you know what, forget it,” he added with a shrug. “This never happened, OK? I don’t even know your name. No harm, no foul. I’ll head out; you’ll never see me again. Just, as a general rule for these kinds of things, wait about thirty seconds before following me out.”

Eddie kept his eyes down at his reddening, raw hands as he heard the man unlock the door behind him, waiting to hear the little snap as the door closed before finally turning the faucet off. Who the fuck did that guy think he was, just rubbing himself over Eddie like that? He had no right, no right at all to assume Eddie was – that Eddie was –

He quickly jammed some paper towels down his pants to wipe away the wetness down there, choosing to worry about a proper clean up at home in the privacy of his bathroom. He shoved them down into the garbage as far as they’d go and stepped out of the bathroom, looking around at the bar to see if anyone was watching him. No one seemed to pay him any attention as he clumsily made his way around all the high-top tables and chairs. Eddie absently looked around until his eyes locked on the comedian from the bathroom, talking to someone at the bar. He watched as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, laughing at some joke Eddie couldn’t hear, seemingly acting as if nothing happened. So Eddie looked away and tried to do the same. He’d never see him again, anyway.

The breeze from outside seemed to cool the heat on Eddie’s cheeks as he paused to take a breath on the sidewalk. Nothing had happened. He would never speak about this to anyone, because nothing had happened. He was going to go home, take his nightly meds with his mother as he fed her dinner every night, keep her company until it was bedtime, and then go to sleep. He was going to wake up and go to work and plan his wedding with his _female_ fiancé like a good man. Maybe he’d take a shower tonight, too, since he had been in the grimy basement bar with Chris all night. Yeah, that was a good idea. He’d take a shower.

So he did. Eddie stood under the hot water, letting it scald his skin a little and wash away thoughts that were trying to resurface in his brain, thoughts that didn’t deserve to exist. The soap was aromatic enough to distract him as he lathered around, letting it fog up his brain. Something about it was familiar, and recent, and he wondered if he had used something with a similar smell at some point today. Then he realized it was close to the soap Eddie had used at the bathroom in the bar.

That bathroom… dark and dirty, nothing Eddie wanted to think about right now, nothing like Eddie at all. But it wasn’t the bathroom that Eddie was thinking about; it was what happened in that bathroom.

No. Nothing happened. Nothing. Happened.

Except it did, and Eddie couldn’t deny it now as his dick hardened at the fresh memory of that stranger pressing him roughly into the stall, their tongues sliding together in each other’s mouths, the feel of another man’s cock against his own –

“ _Fuuuck,”_ Eddie moaned, briefly touching his dick in some poor attempt of calming it down. He kept rubbing, jerking his foreskin back and forth over his tip, closing his eyes tight as he pressed his forehead against the tile in front of him, trying to ground him until he came just as quickly as he had earlier that evening in the arms of another man, watching his cum drip down the tile below him towards the bathtub floor.

What… the actual fuck… was wrong with him?

 _What is wrong with me_? Eddie thought every time he was on the phone with Myra, wishing desperately for her to shut the fuck up so he could stop thinking about her and think about another man and touch himself. _What is wrong with me_? Eddie thought every night after, as he cleaned cum off of himself or the shower wall again and again and again after jerking off to the brief memory from the bar. _What is wrong with me_? Eddie thought as he bothered his friend until he could remember the name of that one comedian from the bar that night.

 _What is wrong with me_? Eddie thought at the end of the next week, as he sat alone back at the bar, that same damn bar, knowing his fiancé and mother were at his home thinking he was at work, sipping on dark rum as he watched Richie Tozier stepping off the stage, ordering himself another whiskey before locking eyes with Eddie and freezing in his tracks.

Eddie kicked back the last drop of his liquor, firmly placing the glass down on the bar, only taking his eyes off Richie to look back at the bathroom door and meet his eyes again with a meaningful gaze. Richie nodded ever so slightly, a small smirk playing on his lips, and Eddie jumped off his bar stool, breaking his stare again as he made his way to the bathroom, knowing full well that Richie would be right behind him.

_What is wrong with me?_


	2. The Night They Forgot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's feelings continue to escalate after daring to meet the stranger again and makes some daring decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 came out quite quickly! I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, but that might change if I reread it again. Any relevant TW are already tagged.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos for those who left them, and I hope you enjoy!

If Eddie racked his brain, he could remember aspects of his first kiss. He could not remember her name or even anything about what she looked like. But he could remember how he felt. Even out of context, just thinking about it made him riled up, even almost tearful, and he couldn’t understand why. Maybe his mother had caught him. Maybe he had his heart broken. Maybe he’d never really know.

Sometimes, though, if Eddie thought about it hard enough he could taste the kiss on his tongue; cigarettes and butterscotch.

He wondered who he would’ve kissed who smoked. His mother would never have allowed such a thing.

Not that she would approve of what Eddie was doing right now, with his ass lifted up on a public restroom’s sink counter with a strange man tucked between his legs and his tongue down Eddie’s throat.

One thing that Eddie could say about his first kiss; he knew it had meant something. That was a feeling he had deep down in his heart. And despite how dirty and unorthodox it was of him now to be making out with some stranger in a bar bathroom, he felt like this meant something, too. Whatever it was, he didn’t know. But it meant _something_.

“I have never hooked up with someone that came back for seconds,” that stranger, Richie, was mouthing into Eddie’s neck, almost amused. His hands were on Eddie’s waist and the finger tips riding up beneath the hem of Eddie’s shirt were hot on Eddie’s flesh.

“Wh-what are you gonna do to me?” Eddie stammered, his voice high-pitched and raspy.

“I wanna make you come again,” Richie whispered with his teeth against Eddie’s earlobe, sending a shiver down his spine against the cold marble beneath him. “The noises you made when you came were so fucking hot.”

“Th-they were?”

“Mmm,” Richie hummed, letting his hands run up and down Eddie’s outer thighs. He leaned back, staring down at Eddie to goddamn intensely, Eddie wanted to shrink into nothingness, and yet he couldn’t look away. “You are so fucking gorgeous.”

“I – I am?”

Richie chuckled at that and for some reason it made Eddie relax. Richie reached up and stroked his cheek almost tenderly. “Adorable. So fucking adorable. What do _you_ want?”

In all his years, Eddie had never felt more… comfortable under someone’s touch, felt more _willing_. Something was stirring in him he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before.

“What – what you said. Make me come. Please.” The last word almost sounded broken and pleading, but Richie just kept looking at him so fondly it made Eddie’s muscles feel like jelly.

“How?” he whispered.

“However you want.” His voice was so firm it almost startled him. He was putting his body in this stranger’s hands – literally – and he didn’t want to hold back.

“Careful, tiger,” Richie grinned, pressing his thumbs into Eddie’s inner thighs, causing Eddie to squirm and feel his erection press painfully against his jeans. “That could be dangerous if you let me do _anything_ I want to you.”

“Please,” Eddie said again, reaching up to cling onto Richie’s shirt. “Please touch me. I need this so badly.”

Richie’s mouth was on his again, rough and wet, and Eddie was already moaning into him, needy and desperate, fisting Richie’s shirt. Eddie had never ached so badly for this in his life, eagerly lifting his ass to let Richie roughly pull down his jeans. Eddie gasped when he realized Richie had pulled his boxers down with them in one fluid motion, watching as his dick sprung out from the waistband and was left out in the open, leaving him completely exposed. If Richie hadn’t been lodged between his legs, he would’ve squeezed them together and hid himself. He was damn sure he was blushing all the way down to his chest, but Richie didn’t seem to notice. His head had ducked down to start kissing at Eddie’s thighs, not even paying mind to how Eddie’s dick might’ve felt grazing his neck as he did so.

“I’ve gotta make this fast, baby,” Richie said, his breath hot on Eddie’s skin.

Eddie was eagerly waiting for him to maybe put his mouth on Eddie, his mouth agape as he stared incredulously down at one of the most erotic moments of his life. He wasn’t even paying attention to Richie’s hand as it snaked up his chest and slid two fingers into Eddie’s mouth. Yet somehow, his body automatically sucked down on them hungrily, not minding the salty taste of them, and Richie moaned at the sensation, quickly pulling them out to bring his hand back down. Just as Eddie leaned back completely, pressing his head back against the mirror, he felt Richie’s wet, hot fingers press against his hole. His body jolted at the sensation and Richie looked up at him.

“This OK?”

“Y-yes,” Eddie gasped, trying to relax back down. “Keep – keep going, please.”

“How can I say no to that?” Richie grinned and pressed his two fingers in, forcing Eddie to gasp.

It wasn’t completely foreign to him. He had done this to himself a few times, many years ago. He lost interest very quickly, not quite hating it, but not really seeing the point either. But Eddie hadn’t been _this_ deep before, not the place where Richie’s long fingers were pushing into, making him squirm beneath the larger man. He felt them navigate quickly and deliberately until he crooked his fingers into something, _something_ that felt electrical and intense that made Eddie feel like he was about to pee.

“ _Shit, fuck, shit_ ,” Eddie muttered, clutching at his dick.

“Shh, hey, you’re ok,” Richie chuckled knowingly, using his other hand to gently take Eddie’s wrist to remove his death grip off of his dick. “Does it feel good now?”

“Yeah, fuck, it – yeah,” Eddie whined, starting to feel it, this slow wave rolling through his body that was just – Jesus, just so fucking good as Richie was rubbing into it. Even with the slight sting of the stretching, it was fantastic. What kind of sorcery was this? Where had this feeling been his whole life?

“God, you’re so tight. You feel so good. You are so goddamn sexy.” Richie’s hand let go of Eddie’s wrist and wrapped around Eddie’s cock to stroke it to the rhythm of his other fingers pumping up into Eddie, and Eddie slapped his hand over his mouth to stop the hysterical whining that involuntarily escaped his throat as his head pressed roughly back into the mirror. Richie seemed to know that Eddie was not just reacting to the physical sensations but the praise he was giving him and kept running his mouth. “Even your cock is so gorgeous. Fuck baby, I wish I could take you home with me and play with you like this all day. I wanna hear how loud you can get. You’d look so fucking beautiful coming on my bed like this.”

Eddie reached his other hand out for anything, literally anything to grip onto to ground himself, pulling tightly at the sleeve of Richie’s arm that was stroking his cock. Richie sensed what he was doing and moved both his hands purposefully to a matched, hard rhythm until Eddie felt fireworks go off in his brain, watching his own cum splatter across his thighs and stomach as the pleasure rolled through him until he started shaking. The guttural noises from his throat were so rough he knew he would feel it in his throat later, but he locked eyes with Richie above him as his orgasm died down and saw the look on Richie’s face and just thought… _beautiful_.

Not that Eddie expected a cuddle on the sink after or anything, but it was very abrupt when Richie pulled away quickly, forcing a yelp out of Eddie as Richie pulled out some paper towels to wipe off his hands. He was still laying there, pants and boxers around his ankles and cum drying on his skin. Richie pulled out a large bunch of paper towels and handed them over to Eddie to clean himself up.

“Thank you,” Eddie said roughly. “Do you – do you want me to…?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Richie said absently, adjusting his crotch. “Pleasure was all mine. Maybe next time,” he added with a wink.

“I want that,” Eddie said, forcing Richie to freeze. “I want to see you again.”

“You… really mean that?” Richie said curiously.

Eddie nodded fervently. “Somewhere else, but yes. Please. I want to see you again. It can be somewhere private.”

“We don’t have to,” Richie said, almost sadly. “You don’t owe me anything, man. This never happened. I don’t even know – ”

“You know my name,” Eddie spoke firmly, not even sure why he did so.

He watched Richie’s brow furrow, looking at Eddie with a contemplative expression. “Eddie. Your name is Eddie.” It sounded like a question as he said it, and Eddie knew why he was so confused, because he was sure they had never introduced themselves before. But Eddie just smiled up at him, hoping it served some comfort.

Part of Eddie thought maybe Richie would stay for a minute longer, but he didn’t. He reached his hand up, as if holding an invisible camera, making a clicking noise with his tongue as he stared down at Eddie before widening his grin. “Just saving the mental image,” he said, winking before hurrying out of the bathroom, leaving Eddie confused and alone and still covered in his own mess.

Maybe he didn’t really want to see Eddie again, he thought, as he hopped off the counter, wobbly on his feet as he locked the door to clean himself privately. Sure, he had seemed quite interested, but they were in the middle of a lewd act not moments ago. Maybe this was just his thing; hit it and quit it. Except he didn’t quit it after the first time… and he didn’t exactly hit it either. Hell, Eddie was sure that he didn’t even get off properly either of those times. But maybe that was his thing, too, like how some people just love giving pleasure and it turns them on in return.

Eddie froze as he turned and locked eyes with his own reflection. His cheeks were still flushed and his hair was an utter disaster. He tucked his shirt in, making sure all the buttons were, in fact, buttoned, and attempted to sort himself out enough to leave the bathroom with dignity. Except, he had just had another man ramming his fingers up his ass while his fiancé was at home helping take care of his ill mother, so whatever dignity was left was probably not deserved.

There was a part of him that felt guilty, but more importantly, and far more terrifying, part of him, _most_ of him felt… deserving. No one in his life had ever called him those things before, especially not while he was naked. Try hard as he might, he couldn’t remember the last time Myra had given him a true compliment, let alone about his looks. But Richie had made him feel so _adored_. That in itself was equal parts sweet and sexy and even just moments after the event, Eddie felt himself blushing furiously at Richie’s words in his head. In the span of those few minutes, Richie had called him hot, sexy, gorgeous, and adorable, and he said it all with such earnestness. It could’ve been the heat of the moment or he was playing off of how Eddie was reacting to such praise, but the look in his eyes felt like he meant it. It made Eddie’s heart swell with… something.

When the bathroom door opened and Eddie was met with the view of the bar again, he felt his stomach flip unpleasantly. Audience members and patrons laughed enthusiastically at the woman telling jokes on stage, and Richie was talking to the bartender excitedly, completely unfazed by what had just occurred between the two of them. It physically hurt, feeling somewhat rejected, as Eddie slowly made his way out, possibly to truly never see Richie again. Because why should he risk showing his face at this bar every week, to be seen by Heather on a day she was working and god knows who else, slowly raising the suspicions of his future wife. Eddie knew he couldn’t do that. He tucked his tail between his legs, looking down at his feet as he shuffled them out, trying to attract no attention to himself.

“Hey, Eddie!”

Eddie looked up, his heart spastically fluttering in his chest as Richie Tozier jogged over to him. “H-hey?”

“Almost forgot to give this to you,” he said, handing Eddie a small business card. “Best car detailer in Manhattan, hands down. Just tell them Tozier sent ya, OK buddy?”

He slapped a hand to Eddie’s back with another wink, turning back to the bar to nurse his next whiskey. Eddie stared at him for a moment before coming to, pocketing the card in his pocket as he went back outside. He stepped out into the night, walking down the sidewalk a bit before tucking himself into the brick of the building, pulling out the business card to take a closer look at it.

It… really was a car detailer. What the hell did this mean? Was it some sort of gag? Did Richie work part-time at this place? Eddie didn’t have to question any further when he flipped the card around and smiled widely at Richie’s sloppy handwriting beneath what seemed to be his phone number.

_Keep me on your to-do list, gorgeous_

Eddie giggled and suppressed it into a shaky sigh, taking his phone out to put Richie’s number in, first name only, nothing conspicuous. He made to toss the business card in the trash, pausing briefly to debate how risky it would be to just… keep it. That wouldn’t be very wise, though; definitely not. So he took one last mental image of the little note and promptly chucked it, smiling so widely that his cheeks hurt the rest of the walk home.

Sonia gave him an earful the second he came home. Myra gave him another when he called her after his shower. Neither of them managed to dull the heat in Eddie’s chest or the tingly feeling in his head that made his brain feel like mush. He laid in bed later, all the lights out, faintly able to hear the television on downstairs even though his mom had probably fallen asleep. It didn’t bother him as it normally would. Instead, he smiled fondly at the name he had programmed into his phone; Richie.

Just seeing the name, knowing he possessed a way to reach his man, made Eddie feel queasy in the most pleasant way possible. There was definitely something wrong with that. If there was something Eddie needed to get out of his system… fine, that was fine. But this was utterly insane what he was doing. This wasn’t right. If he had just done it the first time, when he was taken off guard, well, that was one thing. But he went back and he wanted _more_. Why he wanted it from this man, he didn’t know entirely, but he knew it had something to do with that damn boy in the hammock. It had to mean something. And Richie… he knew him.

Fuck it. Eddie was going to text him right now. He was not fucking around and he was not playing games.

Eddie opened a new message, but paused, trying to think of what to say. He had to make sure Richie knew it was him, for sure, considering how careful Richie was about making sure he and Eddie had not been caught together at Free Spirits. Ten minutes went by of Eddie typing, backspacing, then typing again, and editing, before finally he settled on something simple and straightforward.

**Eddie**

_Hey, it’s Eddie. Just wanted to level the playing field. So now you have my number. Also, this is me making the first move, so. Ball is in you court._

Yeah, that was fine. Maybe. Eddie hated it more and more as he read it, so he snapped his phone shut and put in on his nightstand, trying not to think about it. The second he laid it down, his phone chimed. Eddie reached for it again so quickly he accidentally knocked it off, cursing quietly as he lifted himself out of bed to pick it off from the floor. He took a deep breath to steady himself, clicking the side of the phone to set it to a quiet vibrate before opening the phone back up.

**Richie**

_Wow, not abiding by the 3 day rule. Bold move. I like it._

_So where does a fella like you find yourself at 10pm on a Friday night?_

Eddie took a moment to process this and wonder how truthful he wanted to be. This Richie guy was probably finishing up at the bar and heading out to a club or some sort of party. Hell, he could be the type of man to snort cocaine off a stripper’s ass and do belly shots. Comedians did that sort of thing, right? Normally, this would make Eddie feel all sorts of icky, but even if Richie _was_ the kind of person to do those things, it somehow didn’t bother him to know that. But would he be as reciprocating and understanding of Eddie being in his pajamas in bed this early on a weekend?

**Eddie**

_I’m actually uptown at a club about to do a line off a bartenders ass crack, thought you could join me_

**Richie**

_Should’ve taken you for one of those wild Wall Street guys_

_I’ve never had the pleasure, myself_

_If I were a younger man, I might just take you up on that offer_

_Wait, you’re not serious right?_

_You’re pulling my leg and crocheting a quilt in front of the discovery channel_

**Eddie**

_You’ve really never done cocaine?_

_I thought that was a staple for you stand up guys_

**Richie**

_Nah man, Chris Farley hit me too hard_

_I ain’t about that life_

_I just get shitfaced on legal whiskey 6 days a week like a normal American man_

**Eddie**

_Fair enough_

**Richie**

_Suspiciously ignoring my quilt question_

**Eddie**

_I’m not crocheting a quilt in front of the tv_

_I’m tucked in bed like a good, wholesome American boy_

**Richie**

_A good wholesome boy that wants to suck this monster cock?_

Oh boy, there it is. Eddie’s heartbeat picked up again, feeling his right leg start bouncing with his nerves. He reached over to his nightstand for his pill bottles, using the cell phone’s light to read the labels so he could find his anxiety medicine. He popped a Valium in and sat back, holding his chest as though his heart might just burst right out if he wasn’t holding it in tight. Then his phone vibrated again before he could answer.

**Richie**

_I’m totally kidding dude…_

_Sorry, I’ve never done this before_

_With a guy_

_Like… kept talking after_

_My Trashmouth says stupid shit when I’m nervous_

_Lol_

_Shut up, Trashmouth_.

Holy shit. So Richie was the child from his memory… but Eddie still had no idea what his meant or how to bring it up delicately. Richie knew it, too, whether consciously or not. Eddie had never told him his name, but he damn well knew it. It was somewhere in the recesses of his mind, just like that memory was to Eddie. What was he supposed to do with this information?

**Eddie**

_Can I see you tomorrow_

**Richie**

_Wait really_

**Eddie**

_Yeah really_

_I want to see you_

_Maybe have a conversation that doesn’t end in me jizzing on myself_

**Richie**

_Damn, will that be a deal breaker?_

_Jk_

_Yeah I mean I would_

_Love to see you_

_Actually_

_I should be home in the afternoon_

_Make you lunch?_

_Promise I’m not a serial killer_

**Eddie**

_Yeah, saying you’re not a serial killer doesn’t make it convincing_

**Richie**

_Pinky swear?_

**Eddie**

_Fine, but I must warn you I’m a very loud screamer_

_Your neighbors will know if you try to murder me_

**Richie**

_You just got my dick hard on the subway, thanks for that_

**Eddie**

_Hows 1?_

**Richie**

_Perfect :)_

Eddie stared at the address Richie sent him, realizing he would have to take a train to Brooklyn. That was more than fine. It was great, in fact. Eddie didn’t know anyone in Brooklyn. No one would notice him going to Richie’s. All he had to really worry about was dealing with his mother in the morning. Then he would be with Richie. Alone. At his house.

Their conversation was so… normal. Definitely not the kind Eddie would have expected after a hook-up. Of course, Eddie had never just hooked up with anyone before. Maybe this was normal. Maybe this is how some perfectly good relationships start.

What exactly kind of relationship was Eddie trying to gain from this? He had a fiancé; a fiancé that loved him and cared about him and took care of him. She was always there to help with his mother, even if both of them threw a fit over his inability to be there all the time. She was going out of her way to make their wedding day special.

But was she going to put that same effort into their relationship in general? Eddie certainly didn’t seem to be doing enough. When they were introduced, Eddie didn’t expect things to go this far. At the time, he thought he was just doing his mom a favor and going out with “this nice girl from the church.” She hadn’t been so bad then. They enjoyed a nice movie together the night they met and spent an afternoon together listening to Billy Joel in Eddie’s apartment while he made her dinner on their second date. She had a pretty face and was… sweet. It was months before Eddie started spotting the red flags and similarities between her and Myra, but he figured that’s what happened with all couples. Women married their fathers and men married their mothers.

He should’ve taken into consideration how debilitating it felt to be around his mother. Especially down the line when he had to sacrifice his privacy and bring his mother back into his personal space and let her live with him. He had already proposed to Myra – although was it really a proposal? It was more like his mother and Myra’s parents telling him to do it until he caved in. Then his mother got too ill to take care of herself, and it made no sense for Eddie to go back and forth to his teenage home in Queens. He asked Sonia to sell the place and move in with him, but she wasn’t letting him so much as look at the money she had gotten from the house. It wasn’t meant to be for the wedding, but for her to pay whatever her medical insurance wouldn’t cover to take care of her and then eventually – a baby. Myra insisted she didn’t want a big family, just ‘one respectable child’ and his mother agreed.

Now with Sonia in his house, and Myra taking over Eddie’s life as part of her ‘wifely duties,’ he was starting to feel trapped, just as he felt as a young man living with his mother before he was able to get his own place. The walls were closing in around him while Myra slowly took over all aspects of his life; coming to all of his doctor’s appointments to help speak for him, keeping track of how Eddie spent his money, always making sure Eddie spent as much as his time home as possible for his own safety. She obviously cared about him; that’s why she was doing all of that. She loved him.

But when Eddie wondered how much he really loved her back, how she had a tendency to put him down and chip away at his self-esteem as if to keep him in his place, to make sure he knew he’d never be with anyone that loved him the way she did, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly. Afraid to dwell on it too much, he got up to wash an Ambien down with some NyQuil to induce some sleep, checking his phone one last time to think of more pleasant things before he finally drifted off dreaming of that goofy boy in the hammock.

When morning came, Eddie got up to take a jog. It was one of the few times he felt in complete control of himself, when he was running. He was up before his mother, turning the television off before putting his headphones in, tucking his iPod in his pocket and let the cool morning breeze wake him up.

Eddie definitely was not a sporty type growing up. He was damn sure not on any sports teams in school and he hated going to the gym. He was made fun of a lot for being scrawny and small, but he always mentally noted that he was hard to catch by bullies and the couple of muggers he encountered. So one morning his freshman year of college, he decided to go for a run. And it… was amazing. It was stupidly amazing, just letting his feet carry him wherever he wanted, but it was one of the few freedoms he felt he had in his life. After a few mornings goofing off and running to the park, he wanted to take it more seriously. He started going to his campus gym – not a lot, mind, but enough to start toning himself out.

Back then he had to invest in runner’s shorts with these big ass pockets, because all he had was his portable CD player, and he would shove it in his pocket while he ran and would get mildly frustrated as the songs periodically skipped while the CD bounced around in the player hitting against his thigh. Eventually he got some cassettes and a Walkman, which seemed to work a lot better, until the iPod came out and changed his life. It fit almost a thousand songs on the little thing, which was wild. Sure, he had to eventually get Myra one so she’d stop whining about how selfish he was about not sharing it, and it was frustrating as hell to explain to her how to use iTunes, but it was worth it.

Eddie came back home and showered, putting on just a shirt and jeans for now to make his mother breakfast. He laid it all out on their trays for the living room, carefully taking out both of their line-up of morning meds to take together, as they did every morning.

“Are you seeing Myra today?” Sonia asked after gulping down about 12 pills.

“No, she’s meeting her friends for brunch,” Eddie replied cheerfully, taking a bite of his turkey bacon. “That reminds me; I have a client early this afternoon, so I’m gonna call Ethel over for a bit.”

“ _Ethel_?” His mother sneered.

“Fine, maybe not Ethel. But if she’s the only nurse available, we have to make do for today, alright, Ma?”

Eddie let his mother bitch about this for a good half hour while he cleaned up the kitchen. When he started vacuuming the living room when she was still mid-rant, she switched her argument to something else that Eddie ignored. He wasn’t trying to make her miserable, but she was always miserable, and he needed some time off. The home health agency said they would send someone over around noon, which was perfect timing. To add a cherry on top, Eddie called a florist while he got ready in his room and had a couple bouquets sent, one to Myra at her house and the other to his mother while he’d be out. You know, just because he was a good son and fiancé.

Except he knew, really, it was because he was a terrible person and he wanted his mom and fiancé to think otherwise. Oh well.

Eddie remained thankful that he kept suits back at the office, because he was able to leave in jeans and a simple button-up without any suspicion. There weren’t many occasions that he had to go out to Brooklyn, probably none without a limo and a client in tow in recent years. It felt strange taking the subway there, and even stranger to walk and navigate the streets to find Richie’s apartment. As if someone he knew could jump out of the corner somewhere and surprise him, Eddie look a look around before running up the stoop to the entrance of Richie’s building. It didn’t have much security; he was able to just walk in and take the elevator up to Richie’s. His nerves didn’t get the best of him until he was standing in front of the apartment door.

Maybe he should’ve texted Richie first. Richie could’ve been just as nervous as Eddie, and giving him a fair warning would’ve probably been polite. He had texted him when he left Manhattan, so he pulled his phone out to let him know he was outside, calling this time to make sure Richie wouldn’t be surprised.

“You’re not lost are you?”

“Oh – no. I just – I just wanted to let you know I was at the building.”

“Oh, great!” Richie laughed nervously. “Here, give me a minute, I’ll meet you – ”

Eddie jumped as the apartment door swung open, a shocked looking Richie there with his phone out.

“ – meet you outside. Or not.” Richie snapped his phone shut, smiling fondly down at Eddie. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Eddie replied sheepishly, putting his own phone away. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s OK. Come in, I’m just finishing up some fajitas.”

Oh right. Richie was going to make him lunch. How… sweet.

Eddie stepped in, politely taking his shoes off as Richie closed and locked the door behind him before attending the stove. It was a very small place. The kitchen took up the entranceway, and it was about the size of the hallway of Eddie’s second floor. Beyond that, Eddie could see it was a studio apartment. The bed was set up with the short headboard against the back of the couch in an attempt to split the space up into two definable areas. It was cozy though, and Eddie’s mouth was watering at the smell of spices, peppers and onion in a cast iron skillet Richie had on the stovetop.

“Were you just going to leave that unattended while you went to fetch me outside?”

“It’s electric,” Richie shrugged. “Nothing would’ve caught fire.”

Eddie wanted to argue, but watching the other man _cook_ for him, for Eddie, was so endearing. He leaned back against the counter, smiling fondly at the way Richie looked just concentrating on something. No one had ever cooked for Eddie before, let alone a stranger.

“So, uh… come here often?”

“To – to my house?” Richie chuckled, glancing back at Eddie with an amused expression. “Here I thought we were past awkward flirting and going straight to wifey shit.”

Eddie felt his stomach drop as he gripped the counter top behind him. Now was not the time. Now was definitely _not_ the time, but Eddie was a goddamn idiot, so he blurted, “Actually I – I’m engaged.”

Whatever joy or humor that was on Richie’s face a moment ago died immediately. He blinked over at Eddie a few times, otherwise frozen.

“Oh. I see. Is… uh, is she, like… your beard?”

“My _what_?” Eddie asked, confused.

Richie laughed awkwardly. “You know, like… a woman kind enough to act as girlfriend or wife for a guy so no one knows he’s gay.”

“I’m not gay!” Eddie snapped angrily. Shit. This was already not going well. Eddie managed to ruin this entire day in a matter of minutes, because he was an asshole.

“Right,” Richie said slowly, turning back to the stove. “Well, I guess I can’t judge, since I’m not gay either, but… I don’t usually go around getting finger-banged when I’m seeing someone, so…”

“Hey, fuck off,” Eddie bit, taking a step forward. “You came onto me, I had – I had no time to react to that.”

“Both times?” Richie countered, his eyebrow cocked as he sautéed some meat.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Eddie huffed, throwing his hands up and knowing he was being completely unreasonable. “Look, man, I had… I had a moment, but it’s out of my system and I – I was just meeting up with you to be, like, polite or whatever – ”

Richie turned off the burner, the snap of the dial echoing loudly in the small space. Before Eddie could process it, Richie had shoved him back against the counter, towering over him with anger in his eyes.

“Did you come all the way over here just to bitch at me while I make you lunch and try to convince me you’re straight? Because I gotta tell ya, sweetheart, I ain’t buying it.”

There could have been a list of things for Eddie to say at this moment to counter back and make his point clear. Pulling Richie down by the collar and kissing him probably wasn’t on that list. Yet that’s exactly what he did, and Richie didn’t hesitate to kiss him back despite his apparent anger or maybe _because_ of his anger since he was kissing back so fiercely. The way he was kissing Eddie back it felt like he was trying to consume him whole, licking into his mouth and teething at Eddie’s bottom lip. He pressed Eddie harder back against the counter, and Eddie took more initiative and reached down to cup Richie roughly between the legs.

It was the first time he ever had his hands on another man like this and it was – something, all right. And judging by the moan that escaped the back of his throat as he felt how hard and big Richie was, he sure as hell liked it, too.

Richie peeled their lips apart, reaching around to grip the back of Eddie’s hair tightly to pull his head back, forcing a small yelp out of him as Richie leaned down and whispered roughly in his ear.

“Your little lady know how much you love touching another man’s cock, sweetheart?”

Fuck. Eddie was done for. All arguments in favor of his supposed straightness were lost for good now. His body practically melted against Richie’s voice and he whined pathetically. He could feel Richie’s grin against the soft skin under his ear before he started nipping his skin and everything he was doing was already putting him in a frenzy. He didn’t want this to end like it did last night or the week before. He wanted some more control this time and he wanted Richie to feel as good as he made him feel. Or at least, as good as Eddie could make him with the zero experience he had.

No baby steps. Time to cannonball in.

“I want to suck you off,” Eddie said, his voice far more cracked and strangled than confident. But it seemed to do the trick because Richie breathed out a shaky “ _fuuuck_ ” in response against his neck.

Eddie took this as a firm ‘yes,’ so he fumbled with Richie’s zipper and the button on his jeans, his hands shaking with nerves so badly that he was wishing he had taken an extra Valium on his way over, the one he took clearly not being enough to calm him through this. Richie’s hand let go of his hair and slid up to the top of Eddie’s head to lightly push him down, and Eddie gracelessly fell to his knees, feeling excited at the slightly forceful gesture. His hands slid to Richie’s thighs while Richie pulled his cock out and then – well, there it was, and Eddie could feel his eyes widen at the first dick that has ever been in front of his face before. It helped him feel more confident that Richie’s hand was still petting through his hair softly.

“You ever do this before?” he asked sincerely from above Eddie.

Eddie looked up at Richie through his lashes and whispered, “No.”

Richie exhaled sharply through his lips. “Jesus. Ok, just – take it easy. Go slow. Just, uh, do what you like. I mean, you’ve gotten one before, right?”

“Yes, I’ve gotten a blow job before,” Eddie huffed defensively. Not many, especially not from Myra who thought they were _icky_ , but that wasn’t a conversation he was trying to have right now.

Eddie took a deep breath, swallowing and licking his lips before focusing on the task at hand and just... diving right in.

Just the way Richie hissed above him when he took the tip into his mouth made Eddie’s own dick jump in his pants. It wasn’t that bad, the actual dick sucking. He supposed it tasted like sweat, the taste of wettening skin and salt. There was no way he was going to be able to take the whole thing in his mouth based on how far down he already felt the tip pressing into his throat when it was only halfway in, not with his gag reflex. So he did what Richie asked, taking is slow and easy. That seemed to be enough, because Richie was muttering expletives above him, and he let his hand work the rest of it.

If there wasn’t a dick stretching his lips out right now, and his cheeks weren’t hollowed out around it tightly, Eddie probably would’ve been smiling with how pleased he was with himself at how Richie sounded. This definitely topped yesterday as the most erotic moment in Eddie’s life, absolutely never having this down as something he ever thought he’d do before. Maybe it was always deep down somewhere he couldn’t access, because Richie was sure liking it, and _Eddie_ was sure liking it and despite his own dick not even being touched it was driving him wild.

“Fuck, fuck, can I – can I come on you?” Richie sputtered above him.

And fuck, that turned Eddie on too, because he pulled off with a wet pop, leaning his head back to completely expose his face. “Uh huh.”

“Jesus,” Richie breathed, taking his hand off the counter behind Eddie to jerk himself off, and taking the hand that was running through Eddie’s hair to hold his head steady and pull it back just a bit so more of Eddie’s neck was exposed. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, you know that? Fuck, you are so goddamn sexy.”

For some reason, Eddie opened his mouth at let his tongue flop out over his bottom lip, probably because he had seen people do it in porn, and probably because it turned Eddie on to see it and he figured Richie would like it to. The reaction from above him was almost immediate, seeing Richie gasp before letting out a sharp moan and tightened his grip in Eddie’s hair as he started coming. Eddie flinched slightly and let his eyelids flutter, but thankfully only felt the hot cum on his cheeks and dripping down his tongue and chin and neck. And, Jesus, it was fucking _hot_ and _sexy_ in a way Eddie did not think possible, but he didn’t have any time to think about it before he was lifted back up to the kitchen counter.

Then suddenly Richie was undoing Eddie’s belt, and his button, and then his zipper, and in a fluid motion had Eddie’s cock out and in his own mouth. Eddie felt close to bursting already, feeling his knees pull up to his chest from the intensity of it, feeling Richie’s large hands tightly wound around his thighs as he enthusiastically sucked Eddie off, his mouth hot and wet and soft.

“ _Fuck – fuck,_ Richie I’m gonna come already – ” Eddie stammered, digging his fingers in Richie’s hair, his stupidly soft hair, to guide him off, but Richie somehow sucked down further and harder to finish Eddie off. And they weren’t in the bar bathroom this time, so Eddie let himself moan out loudly as he felt himself spill down Richie’s throat until he was practically gasping for air. He threw his head back harshly, hitting it against a cabinet and hissing as Richie simultaneously pulled off and exposed his wet flesh to the cold air.

This wasn’t exactly the plan, Eddie thought as he tucked himself back into his pants, watching Richie take a step back and grab a rag. Eddie almost forgot about all of the cum on his face and neck until Richie stepped forward, having wet the rag under the sink, and started gently cleaning Eddie off. Eddie ran a hand through his hair to make sure it was dry and semen free, which it was. He looked up at Richie as he tucked a finger under Eddie’s chin, taking a look to make sure he got everything, admiring how tender he was being now.

“We shouldn’t do this again,” Richie said suddenly, his face earnest.

“Why?” Eddie asked stupidly.

Richie shook his head, stepping back to lean against the counter across from the one Eddie sat on. “I can’t do this. I’m not a home wrecker, man. This was… so shitty of me to do.”

Guilt bubbled up in Eddie’s body like hot wax, and he looked down shamefully at his lap. Sure, he should’ve thought about how much of a piece of shit he was being to Myra, but he was being a piece of shit to Richie, too. Neither of those was OK. All of this because some stupid memory that Eddie was somehow relating Richie to. Eddie looked up, ready to open his mouth to apologize until he saw Richie lighting a cigarette.

“Richie?” Eddie croaked.

Richie took a drag, breathing out some smoke from his nose as he sighed. “Yeah?”

“You know me. You knew my name before I told you what it was.”

Richie’s brow furrowed, but he didn’t respond. He just looked at Eddie curiously, as if waiting for Eddie to further explain himself, unsure if what Eddie was saying was true. So Eddie decided to take another leap of faith.

“Richie, kiss me.”

“Eddie…”

“Richie, please,” Eddie pleaded, hopping off the counter and stepping closer to the other man. “Please, just – just one time, I need you to kiss me. Just once more, please.”

A long moment passed as Richie looked down at Eddie, letting his cigarette burn to ashes in his finger tips. Then, very slowly, Richie stepped forward, taking Eddie’s face in both of his large hands and kissed him and Eddie tasted the fresh cigarette on the tip of his tongue –

_Eddie shoved the larger boy off of him by the chest._

_“What the hell are you doing?”_

_Richie stood in front of him – not quite a child but not quite an adult yet. He was a boy of sixteen, gangly as hell, in that too-skinny way that teen boys sometimes looked, his body awkward and skin blemished. But his glasses still slid down his nose, lopsided, and his hair looked as it always did, a hot mess on his head. His eyes, though – his eyes looked desperate and hurt._

_“I just – I don’t – ”_

_“Why did you fucking kiss me? What the hell is wrong with you?”_

_They stood in the clubhouse, the only light coming from the open hatch from above. Richie composed himself, taking a step back to sit in the middle of the hammock and take a drag of his cigarette. “I just thought I was doing you a favor, dude. Relax.”_

_“A favor?” Eddie cried. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”_

_Richie grinned up at him. “I just figured with your little crush on me, I’d just do you a solid and offer it up as a parting gift.”_

_Eddie stared at him incredulously, feeling all of his insides flare up. “You think I have a fucking crush on you? Thanks, but no thanks, Rich. I’m not some fucking faggot, despite what the rest of the school might think.”_

_He tried – god, Eddie really did try not to notice the pain and resentment in Richie’s eyes before his face dropped and he stared down at his feet._

_“Whatever, dude. Forget about it. I was just goofing off. I was just being a dick.”_

_“Yeah, you usually are,” Eddie bit, turning so he didn’t have to look at Richie or risk Richie seeing his eyes water. “I mean, Jesus, Richie… you take things too fucking far sometimes.”_

_“Yeah, well just drop it, Eds. At least now you don’t have to lie when you say you’ve kissed someone before. As soon as you leave this shit town, you’ll probably forget about it. Then you’ll forget about me, just like Bev and Bill and Ben and – and Stan.”_

_“I’m not – I’m not gonna forget about you,” Eddie said, eyeing Richie from the side as he took another drag of his cigarette._

_“We’ll see,” Richie said darkly. “Say hi to your mom for me before you go, Eds.”_

_“You’re not going to see me off tomorrow?”_

_“Don’t really see a point.” Richie shrugged, but the way Eddie’s heart crushed at the simple gesture, he might as well have screamed at him._

_“Fine, Richie. Maybe it’s better that way. I know I didn’t give you much warning about New York, but you’ve been acting like such an asshole to me lately for no reason. It’s not my fucking fault, OK? But, if that’s how you want to be, then… fuck it, maybe it’s better we don’t see each other again. Maybe that’ll give you some time to think about why the others don’t call you anymore, either, and why you don’t have any other friends left now.”_

_“Fuck you, Eddie,” Richie snapped, still not looking up as he clenched his fist around his cigarette. “Just fucking leave then. Have fun in Queens. Say hi to Stan for me.”_

_“Fuck you, too, Richie.”_

_With that, Eddie went up the ladder to leave, choosing to ignore the sob of the boy he loved echoing beneath him as he closed the hatch shut._

It all came rushing back and hit Eddie like a ton of bricks. Before he realized it, he was clinging to Richie’s shirt, sobbing into it, letting Richie ease him down onto the floor. He let Richie adjust them so Eddie was in his lap with his long arms wrapped around him and caressing his back and arm soothingly. As Eddie cried into his chest, it slowly dawned on him that he was speaking, apologizing to Richie over and over again, and Richie was speaking, too, whispering back that it was OK. Did he know? Did Richie feel that impact, too? Eddie needed him to, needed Richie to understand.

Richie’s grip loosened as he felt Eddie lift his head up, looking up at Richie and seeing the _knowing_ in his tearful eyes behind those lopsided glasses of his.

“Rich?” Eddie whispered.

Richie smiled, reaching up to rub his thumb on Eddie’s cheek and wipe a solid tear away.

“Hey, Eds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, shit. What they gonna do now?


	3. The Night They Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After more than 10 years apart, Eddie has a heart to heart with the one he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hi.

The sunlight broke through the curtains, creating a thin, hot line on top of the bed sheets where Eddie plopped himself down to feel the rays beating down on his skin. His backpack was tossed unceremoniously into the closet, where he’d probably leave it untouched for weeks. This was it; his last day at Derry High School was over. Never again would he have to endure being shoved into the thin lockers until Richie or a teacher heard him calling for help, or get pummeled by the football team under the bleachers for talking back after being called a faggot, or a queer, or fruit, or gayboy, or cock jockey, or flamer or…

Gee, homophobes really do spend a lot of time thinking up words for something they supposedly hate so much.

There was just one small thing; Eddie was the only one that knew. Not that he had a lot of friends left, anyway. Beverly went to Portland before their 8th grade year and never called again after that. Ben followed soon after with his family to the Midwest before they even finished their middle school, but he moved around a lot, so maybe they never should have expected him to keep in touch. But when Stan had left freshman year to move to New York, and Bill left the summer after with his family to North Carolina, it seemed like they were plagued with some sort of curse. You’d think after knowing a guy since you were 3 years old would give him mind to at least let you know that his flight landed OK and how shitty the new house was.

But neither of them called, and none of the remaining Loser’s knew how to reach out to them. Eddie knew how much it hurt not to hear from Bill, _his_ Big Bill, the big brother he never had and oldest friend in the world. So it must have stung just as badly for Richie to not hear from Stanley at all. Mike hung out with them on weekends, but continued homeschooling to keep up with his family’s farm, leaving Richie and Eddie to fend for themselves against cruel teachers, bullying classmates, and the stale sense of impending doom that came with secretly knowing an evil space demon from another dimension was possibly sleeping beneath the ground.

It had been a full year without the rest of their original fearsome foursome, but Mike was always inviting and eager to see both of them, and Richie Tozier was sure enough company for even the loneliest of lads. Eddie probably relied on Richie too much for comfort, especially as his mother became increasingly overbearing and strict as Eddie got older, at times inflicting physical violence to keep him in line when his behavior seemed ‘threatening,’ which was usually just him questioning something she demanded of him. He wasn’t a little kid anymore, but he was still so much smaller than her and she made sure as hell he didn’t step a toe out of line just because he was getting closer to adulthood. So many nights, Eddie would help hoist Richie up his windowsill and Richie would simply keep Eddie company until Eddie fell asleep. He’d wake up tucked in, but cold in Richie’s absence and wish that he had at least gotten to say goodbye. It somehow hurt every night he didn’t.

 _Speak of the devil_ , Eddie thought as he heard the light tapping on his window. Richie had followed him home and hid on the side of the house while Eddie went inside. They usually waited until it was dark to do this, but he knew the drill and waited patiently for the near half hour Sonia bombarded Eddie with questions, until Eddie flipped the light switch on and off twice to signal he was in the clear. Now Richie had shimmied his way up the drain pipe and awaited Eddie to help him in. His stupid-ass grin was already on his face when Eddie went to the window to help him in, the joy on his face draining quickly when he was met with Eddie’s melancholic demeanor.

“Damn, Eds,” Richie huffed, plopping himself down on the bed where Eddie had just been a moment ago. “Mrs. K drain you that quickly, huh?”

This was no time to beat around the bush. After weeks of debating between keeping Richie ignorantly happy in their last couple months together or saving him from a last minute blow, Eddie finally decided on the latter. The truth was what Richie deserved.

“I gotta tell you something,” Eddie said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Richie.

“Uh oh; is she sending you to math camp for the summer? Did she reveal it’s also part of our secret plan to get you out of the house so we can be unbothered making sweet, sweet love – ”

“Beep beep. Please, Rich,” Eddie sighed. “Not now.”

He must’ve heard it in Eddie’s voice, because Richie sat up and softened his voice, sounding much more earnest. “What’s up, Eds?” He was still a goofball, but his heart was always in the right place. He got better at showing it as he got older.

The words hadn’t even come out of his mouth before Eddie realized he was tearing up. Richie quietly scooted closer, allowing their legs and arms to touch. It almost made Eddie feel worse, knowing how little time they would have to be together like this.

“We – I mean, my mom and me, we’re… moving to New York.”

Silence had never lain so heavily in the air between them than before this moment. In fact, Eddie could not even remember a single thing that Richie did not immediately have words to say about. Yet now, they both sat uncomfortably still as Eddie’s tears began to fall down his cheeks. A good minute went by before Richie finally spoke again.

“When?”

Eddie gulped down all the saliva that was building in his throat from crying. “Next month. Ma wants to be there before August because I have to take these, like, admission tests for school. The schools there are so weird. You have to be accepted, like a college or something, and the regular public schools my mom says are shit and doesn’t trust them.”

“You’re too good for them, anyway,” Richie said, making Eddie look up at him. “You’re too good for Derry. It’s – it’s good that you’re finally getting out. You better kick that aptitude test’s ass. What’s the school for?”

“It’s, uh, a STEM school.”

“Then you’ll definitely get it,” Richie said, smiling encouragingly. “You’re too fucking smart not to, Mr. Valedictorian.” There was something odd about his facial expression that Eddie could not define. Richie sounded happy for him, but his face was… worrying. He had not once encouraged any of their other friends to leave so enthusiastically.

“Richie, I don’t want to leave.”

“Why the hell not? This place is a shithole. You have an opportunity to get the fuck out and be somewhere actually worth living in.” He almost sounded angry at Eddie, and it made him uncomfortable. Richie seemed to sense this and he put an arm around Eddie’s shoulder. “Look, we’ll talk every day after you leave, OK? You know damn well Mags and Wentworth wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to let me see you, either. I’m sure we can work out a plan for you to play hooky and scale the Eiffel Tower with us or something on a visit.”

“The Ei – you mean the Empire State Building?”

“Whatever; that big metal thing.”

Eddie chuckled, feeling some strange sense of relief. “You’re… awfully calm about this.”

“Well, I’m not happy about it. But hey, maybe you can scope out some hot comedy clubs for me when I move down there with you.”

At those words, Eddie felt elated and it made him cry even more as he let out a small chuckle. “Oh god, can you imagine us getting a place together? We’d drive each other insane.”

For a second, Eddie could’ve sworn that Richie’s cheeks tinted pink, but he supposed it was from his laughter.

“No, dude, let’s do it! We’ve got two years left, right? Let’s save up and get a place together, it’ll be awesome! There’s no way in hell I’m letting you live with Sonia any longer than you have to. We both know you can’t cook for shit – ”

“I can cook, asshole,” Eddie scoffed, lightly shoving Richie. “I don’t have the freedom you do, to just do whatever the fuck I want in my kitchen. Your food is great when you’re not setting anything on fire.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Whatever, man. We both know that no matter how good a job I do cleaning, it won’t be enough for you. So you’re gonna be our little apartment cleaning maid to tidy up for when I bring all the sexy ladies over.”

“From where, from under the bridges at the parks? I’ve yet to see any of these ‘sexy ladies’ you’re always bragging about, Rich.” Eddie was teasing at that, but part of him hoped even the smallest bit that it meant something deeper. He loved catching Richie blush when he was called out on, but deep down he knew it was only because he was likely embarrassingly as lonely as Eddie, and not because… other reasons.

“You’re such a fucking brat,” Richie huffed, pushing Eddie over and pinning him down to the bed.

Eddie braced for Richie to wrestle him or pinch him or even tickle him, giggling red-faced up at the other boy as he hovered over him on the bed. But he didn’t do any of that. He just… stared. Stared at him while his hands had Eddie’s wrists pinned over his head and straddled him. His expression was almost calculating, like he was figuring something out beyond Eddie’s ability to understand. It made Eddie almost uncomfortable, feeling his laughter die down, like Richie was scanning him for a reaction. So like he always did when he was uncomfortable and worried Richie could read his mind, he deflected.

“Dude, stop being such a queer and get off of me,” Eddie laughed awkwardly.

“Sorry,” Richie blurted. He immediately let go of Eddie’s wrists and rolled off to the side, leaning against the wall. His cheeks were red, but Eddie assumed it was because most boys don’t want to be thought of as being gay, whether they were or not. It was just… embarrassing. And Eddie kind of felt bad for saying it, but it’s not like Richie _actually_ liked guys or anything. “I wasn’t – I was just thinking how much it’s going to suck being alone in school now.”

“Maybe you’ll finally get your damn grades up,” Eddie offered, sitting up and rubbing his arm awkwardly where Richie had been holding it.

“Yeah. Derry better watch out. They’re not gonna know what hit them when I spring up out of nowhere without any distractions and graduate with a 4.0.”

“Yeah, you wish, Richie.” Eddie couldn’t help but smile, even if the moment had turned awkward. But the worst, he had thought, was over. They spent the night forgetting about that small moment and talked about how they were going to plan a vacation for Richie to come see the tree at Rockefeller Center for Christmas. Just like many nights before, Richie quietly snacked as he waited for Eddie to eat his bland dinner, until they were able to play cards and make jokes until Eddie eventually fell asleep, only to wake up moved more comfortably under the covers.

Even with the truth out there, it was only a shred of relief to Eddie, knowing that this move would snuff out any possibility of revealing a more uncomfortable one. Eddie definitely could not reveal the devastating truth that he was hopelessly and shamefully head over heels for Richie. On many occasion, Eddie found himself unreasonably annoyed at Richie, seemingly bothered by something incredibly stupid Richie had said, or something self-indulgent he had done, or some stupid shit Richie had gotten them into. With the move getting closer, it only seemed to get worse instead of better, stretching beyond just joking and turning into actual rage at Richie’s expense, straining the friendship they were trying to hold onto. It wasn’t fair to take something out on Richie that he didn’t even know or cause, but Eddie couldn’t help himself. Everything about the situation made him angry; at himself, at Richie, at the world. Before that summer, Richie at least took it in stride until their arguing simmered down to playful banter. Eddie could pretend easily with Richie, at least.

But the reality was that Eddie was equally pained and enraptured by Richie’s existence, the feelings worsening as his time in Derry came for an end, knowing that the best case scenario of the truth being revealed would be that Richie would just find it _funny_ , that he might make it into a huge joke or play-flirt with him more intentionally without realizing the cruelty of it all. And that’s exactly what happened, Eddie thought. As their fighting got worse, and Richie’s ‘jokes’ became more vicious than lighthearted, Richie had somehow figured it out and in a last-ditch effort of making himself laugh at Eddie’s expense, Richie had _kissed_ Eddie and made a cruel joke of it. The only option Eddie saw was to be angry at the boy that broke his heart and break it back; making sure Richie knew he was being left alone, just as alone as Eddie felt.

Who knew that heartache could haunt them even when it was forgotten.

Some part of Eddie worried that Richie would slip away again, vanish beneath him like a stale forgotten memory, so he kept his face buried in the soft crook of Richie’s neck while they sat, just breathing him in. The scent was so reminiscent of when they were teenagers; faintly of cigarettes, convenience store cologne, and somehow resinous, as if he had just been out hiking in the pines. It was a wonder that he managed to smell like that living in the city, but maybe he spent his days off in the wilderness to get away from the concrete and crowds. Right now, he seemed to be thinking the same thing as Eddie, his face buried into Eddie’s hair, which Eddie knew smelled like vanilla and honey shampoo, which he had used for as long as he could remember. They sat on the floor like this for some time as they both recollected, with Eddie sat with his knees up into his chest between Richie’s legs, both of which were wrapped around Eddie to hold him in place.

“I can’t believe I left you like that,” Eddie whispered, tightening his grip into Richie’s shirt. “I was such an asshole.”

“Don’t,” Richie warned before Eddie could get more upset. “Don’t do that to yourself, Eds. I was just as shitty, playing it off like it was a joke and it didn’t matter to me. We were kids. We were scared.”

“I should’ve seen you before I left. But I was just so goddamn angry, I didn’t want you to feel like I cared enough.”

“I figured as much when you guys left earlier than you said.”

“You – you came?”

“Yeah, I remember vaguely… I rode my bike over last minute, but… you had already gone.”

“I loved you,” Eddie uttered without thinking, but he was so confident in his revelation. He felt Richie loosen his grip to let him lift his head up and look directly up at him. “I loved you so fucking much. I think – I think I still do. It feels like it never went away, like it just…”

“Like it was just left on pause,” Richie finished, smiling a little. “I feel like I just got hit by a freight train that I’ve watched coming since I first saw you again last week. Maybe this is what that ‘love at first sight’ bullshit really is. I suppose ‘love at seeing again for the first time in over a decade’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.”

“I suppose not,” Eddie sighed, wanting to rest his head back down on Richie’s chest, wanting to live in this moment for eternity, just existing here like this. “Shit, I wish I could take that whole day back.”

“Would that really do either of us any good? Because for whatever fucking reason, we couldn’t remember jack shit. My parents moved to Boston like just over ten years ago, right when I graduated high school, and I cannot for the life of me remember where they were before that. They don’t even talk about it. I remember that I went to _a high school_ , vaguely, and other little important things, but I can’t tell what’s keeping them all together. It’s like anything else before then is just… gone. Like, I can’t even remember where the fuck we grew up, can you?”

No, he couldn’t. Vaguely, he was able to recall after some gentle probing from some stranger in the back of his limo, but besides Richie himself, Eddie couldn’t remember much at all.

“We lived in Maine. We had… some kind of bunker or something we went into. Like a – like a clubhouse or something. There were a bunch of comic books and movie posters and a hammock.”

“Oh yeah,” Richie said slowly, his face breaking out into a wide grin. “I remember that. You used to shove your stupid feet in my face when I wouldn’t get up. You were such a little brat.”

“I think I just wanted an excuse to touch you,” Eddie admitted with a small laugh. “I couldn’t admit that I liked when you got all handsy, so I’d just find a reason to fight with you.”

Richie’s grin became more sinister as he looked down at Eddie. “Yeah, it’s no wonder you grew up to be such a little fucking freak, then. Look at how handsy you’ve let me be now.”

The sudden and very real embarrassment hit Eddie hard, the realization that this was bonafide trashmouth, childhood best friend _Richie fucking Tozier_ was sinking in. His blush was so fiercely making itself aware that Eddie was starting to sweat, gently trying to push Richie off of him. “Oh god, oh fucking Jesus – ”

“Hey,” Richie teased, gripping Eddie around the middle and pushing him down to the floor. “Don’t try to act all fucking shy about this now. What happened to begging me to finger fuck you in the bathroom? God, I can’t wait to see what kind of shit you like in bed.”

He was hovering over Eddie now, towering like a giant fucking table on all fours around him. When the fuck did he stop growing, like 25?

“Richie, this is so much more embarrassing now…”

“ _Why_? Weirder than if I was a stranger?” Richie laughed.

“Yes, because we fucking shared fruit roll ups in grade school, for fucks sake. This is fucking _weird._ ”

“I call bullshit,” Richie said, pulling Eddie’s arms up to pin them over his head. “You and I both know this is fucking amazing. Granted, OK, I don’t know what the fuck happened to my face or body and I’m sorry about that, but fucking _look at you_. I knew you were the cutest kid on the playground, but you somehow managed to grow up and be the most beautiful human person I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“ _Stooop_ ,” Eddie whined pathetically, blushing deeper. “You’re being dramatic. I’m not – ”

“Yes, you are,” Richie interrupted, so firmly that Eddie’s eyes grew wide. “I’m done being a tease about it.” Richie spoke so goddamn sincerely now, it was… breathtaking.

“You’re – you’re beautiful, too, you know.”

“Gee, thanks.” Richie beamed down at him and it seemed to melt all of Eddie’s insides to a warm, gooey puddle in his belly. Richie could smile so brightly it was like a little sun rose and set upon his face with his very emotions. “Let’s go to Boston.”

“Boston? Fuck no, Richie.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have lived in New York long enough to have enough sense to hate the Red Sox and I’ll end up punching somebody if I go there. You may have been the Trashmouth, but I have chronic anger that erupts when I least expect it.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “We can get married in Boston.”

Eddie blinked up at him. “Wait, what?”

“Massachusetts recognizes same-sex marriage. It might be the only place right now, but we could actually fucking do it, you know. There’s just… one small problem,” he added with a sigh, letting go of Eddie’s wrists and sitting up. “You are… engaged. Fuck.”

Right. Fuck.

They both sat up, leaning back against Richie’s bottom cabinets on the floor. Neither said anything for a moment, but Eddie somehow found the courage to reach over and tuck his hand under Richie’s much larger one, letting their fingers intertwine. It was a small gesture, but it felt so damn good and comforting.

“I can’t marry her,” he said finally. “Even if I didn’t meet you again, I shouldn’t be doing this to myself.”

“What’s the problem?” Richie asked sincerely.

“Well,” Eddie drawled slowly before taking a deep breath. Here it goes. “For one thing, I am super fucking gay.”

Richie’s body shook slightly before he burst out laughing, unable to contain it. Eddie smiled back at him, appreciating the irony of it all. He was awfully beautiful when he laughed, too.

“That will definitely put a damper on the honeymoon, I bet,” Richie finally said as he wiped a tear away, his laughter dying down. “I mean, if I were Brad Pitt or something, I’d say maybe you were confused, but if you’re attracted to a skinny-fat, dorky ape like me, there’s no way it’s just a fluke.”

“Probably not. But I meant it when I said, you know… that I find you attractive.”

“I believe the word you used was beautiful,” Richie teased.

“That and I just really don’t like having sex with women,” Eddie admitted, finally coming to his senses and speaking a truth he never realized he knew. “I wish I did. Life would be so much easier.”

“I can attest to that. There’s no way I’d get as many gigs as I do if all my jokes were about dudes.”

Eddie turned his head and looked at Richie curiously. “When I first came over… you said you weren’t gay.”

To Eddie’s surprise, Richie looked rather thoughtful. “No, actually, I’m not. It’s weird, because I always felt like I might have been, like, just a confused gay struggling with my feelings and shit. I knew my parents wouldn’t care or anything, but it was still hard to accept. But I just don’t think I had a preference. I’ve just kind of just liked people in general.” He shrugged. “Nothing else really mattered if I liked them. Obviously, I didn’t tell anyone, lest I be labeled a fag or something. I figured I would just look and not touch with dudes and just date women, but… something always drew me back in.” He turned to look at Eddie again. “I think I was looking for someone I thought I lost.”

“That is so goddamn sappy,” Eddie teased, despite feeling a sense of admiration for Richie’s honesty.

“I can’t think of any other explanation to why every dude I’ve been with has been a short-tempered, tiny, germophobic nerd. Although _none_ of them had an ass and abs like that,” he added, letting his eyes wander over Eddie’s body.

“Cut it out,” said Eddie sheepishly.

“Do you work out?”

“I mean, I – I usually go running every morning.”

Richie closed his eyes and groaned as if something was paining him. “Jesus Christ. Please tell me you wear those little runner’s shorts.”

“Dude, stop – ”

“Eds, you don’t know how badly I’ve needed this,” Richie whined, reaching over to take Eddie’s other hand. “I think I have been searching for those sexy little booty shorts my whole life.”

“Fuck off, Dick,” Eddie laughed, letting his head rest down on Richie’s shoulder. “There are more important things to focus on.”

“I beg to differ.”

“My fiancé wouldn’t.”

Richie sighed. “Fine. What’s the damage?”

“Well, pretty much all the vendors have a down payment already. We’ve officially missed the mark for any kind of refund from the venue. Myra pretty much is just focusing on fine details right now to make sure it’s perfect.”

“I think you’re missing some quite important detail.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you love her?”

“No,” Eddie said without hesitation. “I don’t think I ever did. I think being with her was just… comfortable. Which is fucking stupid, because I usually can’t stand being around her. But it was familiar. She’s a lot like my mom.”

“‘Yang chas Solo chone Wookie!’” Richie blurted in a too-damn-good Jabba the Hutt impression, laughing at his own joke.

“Ha ha, asshole. Yeah, she’s still a great big fat person. Fucking hilarious.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Richie wheezed, trying to stop his laughter. He kissed Eddie gently on the top of his head, which Eddie _supposed_ made him feel better. “I couldn’t help myself. It just came to me. God, I totally forgot about your mom.”

“ _How_? All you did was made jokes about fucking her.”

“Only because I was too shy to say I wanted to rail her son.”

“Ok, ok,” Eddie said, turning to hide his face into Richie’s shoulder.

“Sorry, I know, there are more pressing matters.”

Eddie sighed, trying to enjoy Richie’s scent and presence, but feeling a dull ache in his chest. He had felt it before, but never really understood what it had meant. Longing. Loneliness. Grieving over a life that never was? As he began to speak he started feeling his throat tighten and burn. “Rich, what am I gonna do?”

He hated how pathetic his voice sounded, like that of a child. Here he sat, a near 30 year old man on the verge of tears. As if he could read his mind, Richie reached an arm around and squeezed Eddie into him soothingly. More than ten years later, he was still Eddie’s security blanket.

“Eds, you have every right to be upset. We grew up repressed and scared of what might happen if people knew… You spent your whole life seeing what could happen in the worst circumstances. It’s OK to be scared. You don’t have to be, you know… _out_ , if you don’t want to be. But you can’t be with someone who makes you unhappy. Whatever it is you need, I’ll be here, OK?”

Eddie sniffled as his tears fell silently on Richie’s shoulder. “It’s so dangerous how much I trust you. Like, we’re crazy right? People don’t… do this.”

“Maybe, but there’s a lot we’re still missing. There’s a lot coming back to me just sitting here with you, but thinking about everything outside of just us is making me… sick.” Richie paused for a moment, stirring in place like he wasn’t sure if he should say what he was going to next. “You know, I threw up when I got home that first night. And then again a little bit when I got home last night.”

“Really?” Eddie asked, frowning.

“Yeah, your body just really disgusts me.”

Eddie lifted his head up dramatically and scowled at Richie, who laughed apologetically.

“I’m sorry, shit, I do this. I say stupid shit to ease the tension. Sometimes people punch me after.”

“I’m about to.”

“Sorry,” Richie said again, rubbing Eddie’s arm affectionately until Eddie relaxed against him again. “But if we’re being serious… there’s something seriously not right about us, man. I don’t know what we went through, but it… it terrifies me a bit. Just trying to figure out what happened. I think it’s no wonder why we’re both probably super fucked up and repressed.”

Eddie leaned his head back over Richie’s arm and against the cabinet behind them. Growing up with his mother had certainly caused many… issues, Eddie would admit. But there was something else there, too, lurking under his skin like a dormant wound waiting to fester.

“Maybe that’s what you can do for me.”

“What’s that? What do you need?” Richie asked eagerly. He seemed so ready to punch god in the face for Eddie already. It was both endearing and terrifying being loved so fiercely.

“Let me deal with Myra. I need to do that on my own. I’ll handle all the wedding stuff and deal with that nightmare, but… maybe you can do some research. Try to dig around and figure out more about where we’re from, you know? At least find the town or something. Can you ask your parents?”

“I can try. I’ll try elsewhere first. Mags will be annoyed I’m bothering her and Wentworth on her birthday cruise, but I’ll see if I can catch up with them.”

A great surge of affection surged through Eddie hearing those names and he couldn’t help but smile warmly. Brief images of a kitchen, standing next to a younger Richie in front of a stove, with a kind-faced woman excitably pulling out cookies, receiving tender hugs from her at the threshold of the door, a tall dark-haired man with a wide grin laughing at faces and voices Richie was making, both of them kneeling down with Eddie on carpeted floor while he cried and begged not to go home yet. He had loved those people at one point in his life. Nothing but joy filled his heart when he thought of them. Whatever Richie was afraid of back in their hometown, from whatever happened in their childhood, surely a family like his could trump that.

“Tell them I say hi?” Eddie asked softly, crying still, but mostly now from the new nostalgic emotions erupting in him.

“Nah, I’ll let you do that yourself,” said Richie. “Next time you come over. How does that sound?”

Eddie smiled. “That sounds… great.” He had paused briefly, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket. Tempted not to look out of fear that it was Myra, he hesitated before pulling it out. “Shit. It’s my boss. Can you give me a minute?”

Richie nodded, removing his arm from Eddie’s shoulders.

“Hey, Theo.”

“Eddie, hey! I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“Not really,” Eddie said a little gloomily, eyeing Richie. “What’s going on?”

“First, don’t hate me. I know you’re off today, but Hector called out last minute and I’ve got just about everyone but Kaci on the road right now, and she’s in actual, _literal_ Guam right now – ”

“Theo, Theo, relax!” Eddie interrupted, Theo’s voice getting frantic and upset. “Don’t worry about it, man, I gotchu. I just gotta make sure I get my mom set up with someone to be home, but I’ll be out.”

“Oh thank god,” Theo sighed. “I’m already driving Natalie Portman tonight, so that – shit, thanks Eddie, this is a relief.”

Eddie did not miss Richie staring at him, mouth agape, while he got the details for his drive for tonight. He hung up with Theo and sighed, knowing already what Richie was going to ask.

“I’m sorry Eddie, but what is it exactly that you do?”

“It’s a limousine service,” said Eddie, snapping his phone shut.

“And your boss is driving Padme Amidala?”

“Yeah, the New York Star Wars premier is tonight,” Eddie said, unable to stop his smirk.

Richie’s head sprung like he had just been warped into another dimension, looking completely flabbergasted. “Your boss is going to the fucking _Star Wars_ premier? Fucking Star Wars Eddie?!”

“He’s not _going_ ; he’s just driving people there.”

“He’s not just driving _people_ , he’s driving the Queen of fucking Naboo, future mother of Luke and Leia Skywalker, and how are you taking this lightly?”

Eddie rolled his eyes as he stood using Richie’s shoulder’s to push himself up. His legs were a little wobbly from being on the floor and he watched Richie get up with a little unease. Awkwardness snuck itself between them as they stood in Richie’s tiny kitchen, cold fajita fixings left forgotten on the stove.

“So you, uh, gonna get going?” Richie finally asked. “I didn’t even get a chance to properly give you lunch…”

“I know,” Eddie sighed sadly. “But my mom will freak out if I have to leave her with a nurse all day _and_ all night. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

Concern swept over Richie’s face. “Your mom needs a nurse?”

“Only if I can’t be home,” Eddie muttered, not really wanting to get into that all right now, but also kind of wanting to tell Richie absolutely everything about his life at the same time. Unfortunately, it would have to wait. “I’m going to see you soon, Rich. Just promise you’ll wait?”

To his relief, Richie reached his long arms out and pulled Eddie into a loving embrace, and Eddie immediately sunk into it, allowing his ear to fall onto the spot over Richie’s heart, listening to it beat fiercely. “I’ll be right here, Eds.”

“I’m sorry this has to be so – abrupt.”

“Small adjustments first,” Richie chuckled, letting Eddie pull back to look at each other. “But I think we should cool off until you, you know… settle things at the home first.”

“Cool off?” Eddie frowned, feeling his heart beat just a little faster. “Like, not talk until after I…?”

To his surprise, Richie laughed harder and ruffled Eddie’s hair. “No, not like that. I just meant the sex stuff you little freak.”

“Oh – right, OK,” Eddie mumbled, prying Richie’s arms off of him. He let him go, still standing there with his arms folded and a wide grin on his face.

“I’ll try to see what I can find out today without bugging my parents. Unless I have to, cause I don’t really mind bothering them either way. You wanna call me tonight after you’re done?”

“Yeah. Yeah, OK,” Eddie said brightly, smiling again. “That’s – yeah, that would be great. I’ll talk to you tonight.”

Richie just smiled while he watched Eddie awkwardly back up to get his shoes on to leave. “I’ll see soon, Spaghetti Man.”

For whatever reason, Eddie seemed to lose all his grace while Richie watched him; he stumbled over while trying to put his shoes on and pulled the door into his own face trying to swing it open too enthusiastically as he left, leaving Richie chuckling at him before he closed the door. Face beet red and embarrassed as all hell, it was still one of the cutest sounds he’d ever heard.

Dealing with his mother wasn’t so terrible. Her insurance covered up to 12 hours a day for a home health aide, even though she consistently guilted Eddie into spending a lot of that time taking care of her himself, or having Myra do it. The nurse stayed with him in the afternoon, which allowed him to spend ‘quality’ time with Sonia, whatever the fuck that meant, because she was still berating him about pointless shit for several hours. It helped that Richie was texted him every so often, pulling Eddie’s lips into a smile each time. Eventually it came time to leave, and she didn’t put up too much of a fight.

Two limos had been pulled out for Eddie and someone else to take out, but he still had to go up to the offices to see who he was taking and change his clothes. When he got into the schedule room, Chris was already there looking at two different itinerary’s.

“You want the bachelorette party or the charity benefit?”

“Oh god,” Eddie groaned. “The charity, please. I can’t deal with a bunch of desperate single women cry over their friend getting married.”

“Good call, champ,” Chris said, sliding the itinerary over the Eddie. “I’m sure Myra wouldn’t like it very much if you spent all night with 5 girls hanging on you calling you cute all night.”

“Like that would’ve happened anyway,” Eddie grumbled, opening his locker to get his jacket. He looked over at Chris and saw him adjusting his tie, wondering what Chris would think if he knew. Chris was one of the few people he had left he would consider a friend. After college, Eddie had lost touch with many of his classmates and it was hard to stay close to anyone he didn’t work with. Technically, he’d known Chris longer than he had known Myra.

Being with Richie wouldn’t be as simple as just leaving Myra. It would really mean _being_ with Richie and risking people knowing that. It wasn’t enough to just not be with Myra. Eddie wanted to commit; he wanted to do that for Richie, and for himself. They both deserved it. It would make life a hell of a lot harder, for sure. It would be risking a lot for both of them. But, Myra might be one of the hardest steps. Maybe he should take a small one first.

“Hey Chris?” Eddie said, his voice faltering a little.

“What’s up?”

Eddie took a deep breath, wondering how he could turn this into a joke if it goes sour. “I’m gay.”

Eddie braced himself, but Chris did… absolutely nothing. He continued to look unfazed as he fixed the buttons on his shirt, simply nodding.

“Oh. All right. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“It – I’m sorry, what?” Eddie asked incredulously.

Chris shrugged. “I couldn’t really think of a non-gay reason for you checking my ass out.”

OK, that was a fair point. “Right, uh… sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Chris said sincerely. “I’ve got a great ass.”

“You’re a humble man, Chris,” said Eddie, continuing to stare in disbelief.

“Does anyone else know?”

Eddie shook his head. “Just one person. He’s… he’s waiting for me to break up with Myra.”

“Yikes,” said Chris, finally turning to face Eddie. “That’s gonna be a bitch.”

“Tell me about it.”

Chris trilled his lips and nodded. “Well, if you need any assistance, let me know. Maybe Heather has some advice. I am really good at getting women to despise me and never wanting to speak to me again, though, so I _might_ be able to help.”

“Heh, thanks. But I think I’m going to have to find my own voice for this.” He paused, looking at Chris curiously and feeling almost in awe at how… well, nonchalant Chris was about the bomb Eddie had just dropped. It wasn’t a big deal to Chris at all, which in turn meant a whole lot to Eddie. “Thank you. For, you know, just… being so chill about this, Chris.”

“Don’t mention it, man.”

He wanted to say more before they parted, to fill Chris in on this secret childhood love, but Eddie remembered that Richie and Heather might know each other quite well. They had not discussed who knew Richie was out, and he, too, seemed keen to keep it quiet for the time being. So maybe that could be a conversation for another day, when Richie was OK with it. It wouldn’t be fair to out Richie, and Richie was sure going to be patient with Eddie. Eddie had to offer that same patience back.

The GPS was set in the limo already, so all Eddie had to do was take a deep breath and get into work mode. He tossed his tote bag into the center console for when he needed it, but had already taken something to relax before heading to work. His phone chimed in his pocket, forcing him to smile again; he had already set up a unique tone for when Richie texted him, eager to keep his eyes off of any texts from Myra just while he was working. It was annoying enough trying to talk her out of a 3-hour phone conversation before he had gone into work. He didn’t need that kind of anxiety right now. But Richie had texted him, which was now bringing him small bursts of joy.

Or so he thought.

The first text was one word. The text that followed was a simple sentence, completely ordinary from an outsider’s perspective. But Eddie knew, from that one word alone, without any other context, that it was utterly and completely horrifying. His palms immediately started to sweat and caused his phone to slip out of his hand into his lap as Eddie started hyperventilating, reaching around the limo like a lost, crazy person who couldn’t remember what the fuck a center console was, or where it was in the car, reaching all over the dashboard and the steering wheel in a strange frenzy of panic. His hands finally found it on his side, pulling out his tote bag and grabbing something and shoving several of them into his mouth to swallow them down dryly. He couldn’t fucking _breathe_. Why couldn’t he breathe? He patted around his pockets, looking for _something_ , what the fuck did he need? He needed – he needed his inhaler –

But since when does he use an inhaler?

Something was wrong. Eddie was sick, he was physically _ill_. Was he going to have a heart attack? It sure felt like it, the damn thing was about the burst out of his fucking chest like in Alien.

“Fuck, Jesus, fuck,” Eddie muttered, finally gripping the steering wheel to keep himself steady. He felt like he could slip out of this limo and drop right into space, endlessly falling and drifting if he didn’t hang onto something this instant. His breathing was ragged and unsteady. God knows how long he sat there just staring in front of him, head pounding and chest hurting. When he finally let go of his grip on the steering wheel to look at his phone again, his hands were shaky.

Looking at it again didn’t help. This was unreal. The memories could not find their way to the surface, but the fear, that primal and visceral fear of something revolting, of something _evil_ came flooding back in a harsh and shocking wave.

Because of that word. That one goddamn _name_.

**Richie**

_Derry._

_We grew up in Derry, Maine._


	4. The Night Eddie Did Some Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A simple chapter reflecting on Eddie's thoughts breaking through his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, for such a long time not posting, this sure is a short chapter compared to the rest. I do apologize. But I'm in a bit of a rut and I didn't want to leave it hanging, so a little update into what's going on in Eddie's silly little noggin right now.

Two minutes into the drive, Eddie knew he should have gotten himself under more control before he took his pills. It wasn’t more than he’s taken at once before, but definitely not before _driving_ , and definitely not before driving a _client_. Streetlights and taillights looked like starbursts in Eddie’s vision, things moving fluidly and dreamlike as he drove. At least he wasn’t nervous or panicking anymore. Except now, he had to extra attentive while he did something that usually came to him with such ease, something that he could probably do with his eyes closed. Which he would never actually do, of course, but this was the first time he felt uncomfortable driving in his whole life.

Just before driving off, he messaged Richie again to let him know they’d talk later. He wished he had asked Richie how he was feeling, because he did care and he had a feeling Richie was not taking it well either, whatever the hell this even was. Trying to think about Richie was impossible now as he was driving three assholes to their charity gala, three old women that each reminded Eddie of Cruella de Vil, all in what was probably real fur, blabbering on about their new lines, while a young assistant kept monitoring a BlackBerry quietly and poured them drinks from the mini bar. One of them had had the audacity to pinch his cheeks when he had opened the door for them, and he was too out of it to say anything.

“Is everything OK up there, young man?” one of the screeched at him from the back when he slammed on the breaks too hard.

“S-sorry, ma’am,” Eddie stammered. “Dog ran out in the road.”

He didn’t hear what she mumbled to her colleagues, but Eddie was more than happy when he had dropped them off, wishing them well until he would see them again upon his return to pick them up. The drugs needed to wear off so he could drive again, but there was still a deep internal panic about how he would feel once they did, those faded, old memories scratching the surface of his brain. He took the limo out of the way off somewhere he could be unbothered. He wanted to text Richie again, seek out his comfort, which was insane. They had met three times in a week since over a decade ago, but Richie had been right when he said their feelings had just ‘unpaused.’ Out of nowhere, Richie mattered so much to him already; he was… everything that mattered. Unfortunately, that included this monstrous secret between the two of them that neither of them could remember. All of it centered around this… _Derry._

The phone was ringing _again_ when Eddie finally pulled it out of his pocket. Myra had been calling, as Eddie figured she would be, but it had been more than _thirty fucking times_. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of picking up until _he_ was ready. So he sent it to voicemail, not worrying about the consequences of her being sent there after a single ring and immediately called Richie. His buoy in the endless sea Eddie lost himself in; he anchor holding him in place when he felt he might drift off.

Except he didn’t fucking answer him. Eddie shouldn’t have been upset over that; Richie didn’t think he’d be available for a few hours and was probably keeping himself occupied. Maybe he had a gig somewhere. Eddie hardly knew anything about the man Richie Tozier had become, despite his deep and unearthed feelings for him. This didn’t keep him from clinging onto the idea of Richie like a lifeline. He checked the text from Richie again, letting the uncomfortable feelings wash over him again.

Derry… Derry… _Derry…_

_“I am so fucking sick of Derry, man,” Richie was saying, kicking his foot into the bathroom wall as Eddie disinfected a large gash on his cheek._

_“Hold fucking still, Rich,” Eddie hissed, lightly pushing Richie’s leg back down as he stood between Richie’s knees where he sat on the toilet. “Maybe if you’d stop running your fucking mouth, this shit wouldn’t keep happening.”_

_“Bullshit. It’s been getting worse because our numbers are down, Eds. Now that it’s just us at the school I just have enough sense to let them know I ain’t taking shit.”_

_“You call this sense?” Eddie scowled at him. “Your ribs might be broken, asshole. Your parents are gonna lose it. It wouldn’t have been that bad if you just let it fucking go.”_

_“It doesn’t make you angry? What they said to you?”_

_“There’s nothing new with them saying shit like that to me. You weren’t doing me any favors by snapping back.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because!” Eddie snapped, dropping his hands to fists at his side, inexplicable anger dripping through his veins. “Because I’m not – I’m not what they say I am, so I’m going to fucking ignore it, Richie. It doesn’t matter if they call me a faggot or anything, because I’m not one, so I’m not going to let it bother me, or they’ll think it’s fucking true.”_

_“That’s like saying you agree with them,” Richie said, glaring up at Eddie. “They’re not just saying that you’re gay, they’re saying there’s something wrong with it, and that’s fucked up. We should care.”_

_“Why, Richie? It’s not my fucking problem. Now can you hold still and let me clean you up, or do you want to keep going off about shit?”_

_Richie still seemed angry, and Eddie understood where he was coming from, despite his cowardliness not to actually do something about it because, well, he_ was _gay and it would be a disaster if the town found out. Had maybe Mike or any of their old friends been there and been made fun of for something like that, Eddie might’ve opened his mouth. Mike still had to deal with these small town racists, but he radiated such calmness and kindness, burying down any contempt he must feel for the people here. Eddie could never understand how he did it, managing to have a smile on his face any time he saw the two of them still and spend a day in town. Maybe he was just happy he still had friends that cared about him. Maybe that was all that mattered to him. But Eddie knew he’d never understand what it was like to feel a prejudice that was literally seen at skin-value. It hurt to know there was not much he could do to help, even if Mike always encouraged him that it wouldn’t be worth trying in such a cursed place._

_To his surprise, Richie did stay quiet while Eddie cleaned him up, save for the little grunts and small gasps that escaped his lips as Eddie worked on him. The bruises on his face from where the fists had pummeled into him were becoming prominent and dark against his pale skin. Eddie pushed Richie back to lean against the porcelain so he wasn’t hunched over, giving Eddie a better angle to lift Richie’s shirt and check the damage there, too. He kneeled down and winced as he saw the dark blotches there on the pale skin and gingerly touched Richie’s bruised flesh._

_“Fuck! Easy, Eds!”_

_“They might be fucking broken,” Eddie sighed. In any other circumstance, he would have relished seeing Richie’s shirt off, and he certainly was extremely aware of his presence kneeling between Richie’s legs, but he had to pay mind that Richie was watching him and he could feel his cheeks blush until he pulled Richie’s shirt back down._

_“Totally worth it,” Richie grinned stupidly._

_“Do tell me how?”_

_“They would’ve gone after us anyway, Eds. C’mon; you know that. At least now, you’re not hurt, too.”_

_Eddie knew the blush deepened on his face. “Richie, please don’t risk getting your bones broken for me. That’s so stupid.”_

_“What, like you’ve never done anything that stupid for me before,” Richie said, no, whispered to Eddie in a strange and… affectionate tone, reaching an arm out to gently brush his fingers along Eddie’s forearm, immediately sending goosebumps up his skin. They traced the scar there, thin but jagged and rough from where bone had pierced into it not once, but twice before…_

Whatever those two times Eddie had broken his arm, he wouldn’t remember right now, as Eddie was pulled roughly from his thoughts when his phone finally rang again. It was still silent, but the small vibration in his hand startled him, taking him by so much surprise that he answered it immediately.

“Hello?”

“ _Eddie!_ Why haven’t you been answering me?”

“ _What_ Myra? What could you possibly want that warrants thirty phone calls?” He didn’t mean to snap at her, or maybe he did, but he flinched at his own hostility and already heard her crying on the other line. His mood was getting more irritable as his meds wore off.

“I haven’t heard from you all day, Eddie. That is _not_ fair. How am I supposed to know if you’re ok if you don’t tell me – ”

“What are you talking about?” Eddie snapped. “I texted you what time I was working. We weren’t supposed to see each other today. I sent you flowers.”

“Yes, I got the flowers,” she scoffed. “And you seemed to forget to tell them to leave out yellow flowers, Eddie. I can’t stand yellow. It makes me sick, I had to throw them away.”

Rage flared up in Eddie’s chest. As of last week, he had no right to be angry at anything she did. He was now a cheater, officially on one of the lowest ranks of relationship behavior. But damn it all, if she would just stop being such a garbage person, because every small thing was making him furious, and despite his medication his anxiety was bubbling up in his gut again as his anger rose.

“Why? Why can’t you ever be grateful for any small thing I do, Myra? I mean, Jesus, I’ve never so much – ”

“Eddie – ”

“No, stop! Can you please just let me talk? You never let me fucking talk, Jesus.”

“How can I be grateful?” Myra cried anyway. “It’s a good thing I haven’t put you in charge in anything for this wedding, Eddie. You clearly never pay attention to me! You’re so dense, you can’t even remember that I can’t stand the color yellow, which I’ve told you countless times. I don’t know how you remember to breathe sometimes Eddie, you can be so brainless. Theo is just using you to get you to do more work, I don’t understand how you even think Theo is going to trust you with something like a business – ”

“Stop,” Eddie muttered, gripping the steering wheel in front of him and gritting his teeth. “Don’t do that, Myra. I am more than capable – ”

“How many times do Sonia and I have to explain to you that you can’t, Eddie? You’re only going to kill yourself if you keep working like this and trying to please Theo. You need to be home with your mother, with _me_. The stress is going to make you sick again.”

“ _You_ make me fucking sick,” Eddie snapped before he could stop himself. “You are making me sick, the both of you.”

“How can you say that?” Her voice was strained, clearly from her crying, and it made Eddie’s stomach twist. “If we’re going to be married and you love me, you wouldn’t – ”

“I don’t.”

The words came out so suddenly and quietly, it was surprising that Myra heard him at all, but she froze in speech as if Eddie had just shouted at her. He let the silence stew between them while he steadied his breathing until Myra began to speak again.

“Eddie, I don’t think I heard you correctly,” she whispered.

“I said I don’t love you, Myra. I’m going to go. I’m going to turn my phone off and you can just think about that. I’ll talk to you later.”

Before she could get a chance to call Eddie back after he snapped his phone shut, he turned it off, unsure if he would be cutting off Richie or even Theo in the process. He didn’t feel like he should talk to either of them right now, anyway, because now he felt like complete and total shit. He should not have been _that_ shitty to her, so hostile, but everything was kind of hitting him at once now. His brain would still not shut up and try to force upsetting emotions to the surface, so he dug through his tote again to see if there was anything but the Valium he could take, realizing he was going to be running out of it soon. Luckily, he had a couple milligrams of klonapin left, taking those down before shoving the empty bottle back in his bag to calm down. Already a little fucked up from everything else, his brain started feeling like cotton while he sat there letting the time pass him by hazily. Normally Eddie could find an excuse to do something to kill the time, but he just couldn’t bring himself to be active as he waited to pick the clients up again.

When it comes time to get going, Eddie feels exhausted and just wants to go home already. He wants to curl up under his sheets in bed and press his ear into his phone so Richie can talk him to sleep. Those were pleasant memories, at least, thinking of Richie sitting in his old bed with him and just being a voice to soothe him until he drifted off. Sometimes, he would even sing, Eddie thinks…

_“You want a lullaby, Eddie my love?”_

_Eddie sighed deeply into his pillow, unable to open his tired eyes this late on a school night. “I’m not a child, dipshit. Besides, my mom will hear you.”_

_The brief silence that followed made it seem as though Richie might’ve listened to him, feeling his body move heavily in the bed around Eddie until some part of Richie was pressing into Eddie’s side. He didn’t mind it, feeling the warmth of Richie’s body next to him. In fact, he preferred it on him than… well, not on him. Even in his exhaustion, he very consciously stopped himself from snuggling closer to his friend like he wanted, and then he felt something soft on his head, realizing that Richie had started stroking his hair._

_“_ Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

I’m tired and I

I want to go to bed _”_

_Richie was… actually fucking singing to him. Not in the way he usually did, all loud and obnoxious with a broken voice, but soft and gentle and actually really beautifully. He might’ve had one of those voices that only sounded right singing quietly, but it was simultaneously giving Eddie goosebumps and settling the butterflies Eddie felt in his stomach._

_“_ Don’t feel bad for me

I want you to know

Deep in the cell of my heart

I will feel so glad to go… _”_

_Eddie stayed silent and just let his thoughts be consumed by the lyrics until they formed into dreams in his head. Dreams of him and Richie together in a way that would be unfathomable in the real world that were sure enough to put a small smile on his face as he slept. He wouldn’t let Richie know that, though._

There were those good memories in there, too. As dreadful as the rest were, the ones that were harshly protruding through his mind space and leaked fear and refused to present themselves clearly, the good ones were resurfacing, too. All of the good ones seemed to feature Richie, no matter how silly or ridiculous they were. Others, too, were coming out of hiding, but they were not as demanding, featuring mostly blank faceless bodies and muffled voices Eddie couldn’t understand. The whole picture wasn’t clear, as pieces of the puzzle were clearly still missing.

What were the odds that memories would be stirred before Eddie even got to see Richie again? They started because of that architect. Eddie wondered how much trouble he would get into, how goddamn weird it would be if he reached out to this gentleman and tried to reconnect. What was his name again? Mr. Handsome… no, no. _Ben._ Ben Hanscom. And with Richie there in the foreground, an image of that other boy in the clubhouse came with it more clearly…

_“Nice of you to show up, Mr. Handsome.” A younger Richie was grinning as he sprawled out on the hammock._

_“Don’t – don’t call me that,” Ben stammered, turning beet-red, turning to look up at the open hatch above him as if someone else might pop up there._

_“Oh, sorry. I forgot that name was reserved for my cutie-patootie Eddie love.” He turned to Eddie and winked._

_Eddie rolled his eyes, trying to will himself not to blush. “Shut up, Trashmouth.”_

_“Seriously,” Ben muttered._

_“Relax, Haystack,” Richie scoffed, rolling his eyes in turn and flipping through an X-Men comic. “Your lady love isn’t going to scamper down the hatch and hear anything. She’s too busy packing. So no one to be embarrassed around, buddy.”_

_“I didn’t know that,” Ben said softly, rubbing his arm awkwardly as he sat on a bean bag. “Did she –I mean, did she call you?”_

_“No, I stopped by her place on the way over to snag a cigarette.” Richie shrugged. “She kind of forgot about us all hanging. Probably too busy right now.”_

_“Oh,” Ben said, looking down at his feet._

_“Don’t worry, Ben,” Eddie said encouragingly, rubbing Ben’s shoulder. “We’ll make her last week so good she might actually_ miss _Derry.”_

_“Ha!” Richie exclaimed humorlessly without looking up. “Like that’s going to fucking happen. No one misses Derry. No one leaves Derry and comes back. I sure as hell won’t.”_

_“Even if we’re still here?” Eddie asked, trying not to sound desperate._

_“Well, of course I’d come back if you’re still here, Eds. Your mom’s pussy would be aching for my dick to come back – ”_

_“Can you shut the fuck up about fucking my mother?!” Eddie screeched, diving into the hammock to start pushing Richie off of it. Ben couldn’t help but chuckle as they fought until they settled into their usual positions, legs semi-curled up together and Eddie occasionally kicking Richie or shoving his foot in his face when he wasn’t talking to him or removed his hand from Eddie’s leg as they waited for their other friends to arrive._

Yeah, those were cute memories. Eddie wasn’t sure he if wanted more or less of those, because the more he remembered of the good stuff, the more his hands shook and his fingers drummed against the steering wheel of the limo and a creeping, dark feeling settled more comfortably under his skin. Maybe Eddie didn’t want to remember those things and just try to build a relationship with Richie off of what they had now. Except, what they had now was an anthology of repressed memories they shared together filled with both love and terror; it was no wonder they felt so strongly for each other despite the years that had passed. No amount of time with Myra would have evoked such emotion from him.

Myra… that was going to be a nightmare to deal with later. She would probably be with his mother, both bitching about him until he came home like they sometimes did when Eddie did something they deemed reckless. This time he was in some serious shit. How was he going to do this? The best possible way would probably be to just rip the band-aid clean off. The more he thought about it, the more he waited for the moment to come as he picked up and drove these insane drunk women in his limo back to their hotel, the more sick he was getting.

Nothing about their relationship made Eddie feel good. He hated himself for allowing her to think they were closer than they were and allowing her to sink her nails into him. They were both the bad guy here. She manipulated him constantly into feeling guilty and victimizing herself so he’d take care of her when she wanted, yet always makes him feel like he wasn’t man enough to take care of himself without her help. Eddie never particularly felt that good about himself or how he looked, but she somehow made him feel like he’d never be able to deserve anyone better, romantic or otherwise. _You’re too thin Eddie. Keep your shirt on at the pool, you’ll only embarrass yourself. You need to get lifts for your shoes, Eddie. No one will take you seriously if they’re always looking down on you Eddie_.

That’s what she always did, wasn’t it? Look down on him. Make him feel like garbage. She sure found a way to keep him drifting further away from his friends so he had to rely on her for company, too. Which Eddie felt he should partially blame himself for, for letting that happen, but she still made it her mission to see it through.

Eddie might have been at a tipping point where he might not have even gave a fuck. They didn’t share friends. Hell, her parents hated him, he didn’t doubt that. Financially, he’d recover, especially considering how much he had been able to save over the years. But his elastic was wearing thin and Richie had triggered a raw energy for him to keep pulling at it. Eddie had a horrible habit of living extremely meticulously and then blowing up and doing something drastic or impulsive when he wore too thin. Perhaps this might be a good time to blow up one of his Eddie bombs; it might be necessary to rip off the Myra leech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: Asleep by The Smiths


	5. The Night Eddie Stayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie finally confronts Myra; the aftermath isn't quite what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much thanks to everyone commenting and leaving kudos. And all you anon subscribers, I see you and I appreciate you <3
> 
> We're getting into the meat of the story and I'm so excited to get to certain parts. I hope everyone enjoys.

Sometimes even the wealthiest of driven clients wouldn’t leave a tip for the driver. Normally, he might be a little pissy about that, but Eddie was sure that between his spaced out appearance and panicky behavior, that the ladies he had driven were quite unsettled by him. The young woman that was with them seemed apologetic and offered Eddie a warm smile upon their departure. Her demeanor was sincere and it gave Eddie a strange sense of calm to hear her speak. She was sharing that she had nothing to give him, but he didn’t care. He wanted to go home, kick Myra the fuck out of his house and never deal with her again. He very stubbornly wanted this over in a pinch, not wanting to allow this discomfort another day. Tonight was the night.

At least the more he thought about Myra and breaking up with her, the less his thoughts were consumed by Derry. They were still there, lurking in the recesses of his brain, but there they would have to stay until he said otherwise. He didn’t turn his phone on. He said nothing to anyone when he turned in the keys at the garage and signed the limo back in. This was going to be a hop, skip and a jump into Richie Tozier’s arms, a place he wanted to stay forever; hell, he’d die there if he had the choice.

A surprising calm washed over Eddie when he approached his home and the front door. This was definitely going to be hell, but it seemed like he didn’t really care all that much about running through it. He knew Myra was in there, having seen her car parked along the street. His mother would be in her bed there, too, and possibly the nurse unless Myra and Sonia had dismissed her. None of that mattered. Honestly, if he could break up with Myra in front of them both it would save him some extra time talking about it later. Sure, it was inconsiderate, but when did she ever consider his feelings about anything?

“ _Eddie!_ ” Myra screeched immediately upon him entering the house. She was standing there at the foyer at the base of the stairs before the entrance to the living room. “Why did you turn your phone off? Do you have any idea how worried I was? After all those nasty things you said?”

“Myra,” Eddie said so calmly it unsettled him a little. It was like some strange, callous ghost possessed him. “They weren’t nasty. I told you how I was feeling. I don’t care if you don’t like it because it’s the truth. Don’t interrupt me,” he said more firmly as she opened her mouth to speak again. Her mouth snapped shut immediately, her eyes tearing up. “I can’t marry you, and I won’t. Tell everyone I was an asshole about it, I don’t care. I’ll deal with all the vendors and cancel everything. Just walk out of here and we’ll be done with it.”

Myra stared at him incredulously, tears streaming down her face that, yeah, made Eddie still feel guilty and twisted his stomach to bits, but a strange sort of strength was keeping him together. “Eddie, I… why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m gay.”

Myra staggered back as if Eddie had just took a swing at her. He supposed it still hurt, hearing something like that. But he knew the devastating and hard truth would be the only way he could break this cleanly, and he knew she would never tell anyone because it would be too embarrassing for her. It was certainly terrifying for him.

“You don’t – no, you’re not. You can’t be.”

Eddie sighed deeply. “I am and I have been. And I’m in love with someone, Myra. I’m sorry. I am really sorry that I put both of us through this.” As the words spilled from his mouth, he realized their sincerity and felt his eyes start to burn. Perhaps it was for that reason that Myra didn’t scream back at him or put up a fight. Whether it was because Eddie genuinely looked broken (even if it was because of the life he wasted and not because he was breaking her heart) or because she couldn’t be bothered to fret over a grown man who looked like he might cry. Maybe she was disgusted; embarrassed; both. Whatever the case may be, she collected her purse in quiet tears.

“This isn’t over, Eddie,” she whispered when she was next to the door.

“We can still… talk. Clear up some things, set everything straight. But you and I… we are over, Myra.”

The discomfort was maddening as they stared at each other for what seemed like years before she charged out the front door and slammed it shut behind her. She’d be back, for sure. She would probably blow up his phone after giving him a few days to ‘cool off’ and try to figure out what the fuck just happened here. Everything about it was confusing and sudden, but for right now, to Eddie at least… he was free. And already a smile was growing on his face because he was thinking of Richie again and feeling his arms around him and he knew this was the right decision, because in the long run everybody would be happier. Or, so he thought, until he strode into the living room to see the devastated look on his mother’s face, and the utter disgust painted on her nurse, Ethel.

“Hey, Ma,” Eddie said awkwardly, fidgeting around and not knowing what to do with his hands before settling on leaning against the entryway.

His mother’s expression did not change. “Why would you tell Myra something like that, Eddie?”

Eddie pursed his lips, feeling the inside of his mouth drying rapidly. “Well, uh, because it’s – it’s the truth. I’m gay. I like guys. A guy – a man. I – there’s a man that I want to be with. Because I’m gay.”

Sonia blinked rapidly as Eddie stammered at her, her face reddening by the second. Ethel literally turned her nose up at Eddie and he wanted to smack her for it and tell her that his mother _hated_ her, but apparently they were uniting on their mutual hatred on what Eddie was to them; something they deemed _wrong_.

“What the _hell_ would make you think something like that, Eddie? What kind of people have you been hanging around with, this – this _man_ you’re talking about?”

“He’s somebody I used to know. I’m in love with him.” Eddie hated himself for how more fearful of that he sounded than proud in this moment coming out to her.

“That’s _disgusting_ ,” she spat savagely. “You can’t mean that. No son of mine is queer, Eddie.”

“Then you have no son,” Eddie bit back. “I can’t even believe I’m hearing this – no, actually I can. You can’t appreciate any basic thing about me as a person, I don’t know why I would expect you to accept this.”

“And I won’t,” Sonia muttered firmly, her teeth gritted. “Get out.”

“Get – _what_? Go where? This is _my house_.”

“That you _rent_. You don’t own anything. Not that anyone would sell anything to you now,” she huffed. “What do you think your landlord is going to think when I tell him? Think Mr. Morez will be so kind to keep you in his pristine home?”

The color from Eddie’s face drained thinking about his landlord, a slightly unbalanced and very conservative man who did crazy shit like kick out tenants for continuing to live together after their legal _divorce_. Unwed couples unwelcome. Married couples or single occupancy only, except in the rare circumstances like Eddie’s, when his mother had to live with him.

“You wouldn’t,” he mumbled.

“Try me,” Sonia said smugly.

“You need someone to take care of you, Ma,” Eddie said pathetically, almost desperately.

“I will stay,” Ethel announced from the couch.

Eddie reeled his head back in disbelief, staring at her incredulously. “You don’t get paid to stay.”

“I’ll pay her,” said Sonia. “In fact, any extra time she wants to work, I’ll pay her extra for.”

“You’re going to use all the house money for _that_?” Eddie cried. “Just to kick me out?”

“Until you come to your senses, Eddie.”

Fine. _Fine_. No better way to test his and Richie’s relationship, right? _Hey buddy, I’m going to be living with you now, thanks_ , Eddie thought as he powered up the stairs to get a suitcase and some necessities. His body was still in that strange sense of calm, but he was queasy and lightheaded; although that might have been from his medicine wearing off.

“Fuck shit,” Eddie muttered once he threw his suitcase on the bed, wondering what the fuck was going to happen now. “‘ _Yeah, Chris, let’s go to the comedy club, just have a few laughs, then I’ll hook up with the fucking stand-up comic and throw away everything in my life ha ha fucking ha_.’”

Hopefully this would all be worth it. Hopefully.

Medications and clothes he piled into the luggage took up most of the space. He was trying to be quick about it, but he felt like he needed _everything_ , just like when he’d go on weekend trips and would bring over a week worth of things _just in case_. His packing was messy and uncharacteristic of him, but he couldn’t be in this house longer than necessary.

Eddie wondered if his mother would’ve done something like this when he was younger, when he couldn’t live on his own. Probably. She’d either kick him out to live on the streets or send him somewhere to get _fixed_. He’d heard her talking about those kinds of places before. She might’ve deemed it necessary. He wouldn’t be surprised if she even brought it up in the near future, Eddie getting some _therapy._ She had done some fucked up things like that in the past; made Eddie sick as punishment, tried to get Eddie circumcised when he was way too old because his father refused to let her when he was still alive, taught Eddie strange ‘lessons’ in his teenage year by bolting his bedroom door and keeping meals from him sometimes. Perhaps in her old age and poor health, she was through fighting like that and just wanted it out of her sight.

Eddie quickly ransacked a drawer in the bathroom full of his mother’s medications, overfills that weren’t ready to be open. He took her Percocet, Xanax, and found some old bottles with his own name on them that he must’ve jammed in here by accident. He left his Lipitor and took a bottle that still had some klonopin in them, and carried all the bottles to his suitcase and shoved them in with the rest of his shit. It was time to make shit happen. He’d been dealing with his mother for 29 years, fixing the situation with her can wait. Now was time to get back to Richie.

When he read Richie’s address last night, he never figured he’d be trudging there in the rain with a suitcase. He doesn’t think he’s been to Brooklyn at night before and he’s glad for his natural navigation skills when he’s looking for Richie’s apartment. It’s not until he sees the building that he remembers his phone has been off still. He stopped at the stoop under the awning to get out of the drizzle and pulled it out of his pocket to turn it on to see a few texts from Richie, asking if he was OK and to call him once he was done; so he did.

“Hey!” came Richie’s voice after a ring. “Everything OK?”

“Hey, Rich,” Eddie sighed in relief, feeling immediately calmer hearing his voice. “Uh, it’s – it’s done. I did it. I ended it with Myra.”

“Whoa,” said Richie. “Shit. How are you doing?”

“Can I stay over?” Eddie blurted, beating around the bush. “I just really want to be with you right now. I know it’s kind of sudden…”

“What? Are you serious? Eds, you can fucking throw all my shit out and move in and make that place yours and I wouldn’t bat an eye.”

Eddie’s lips pulled up into a wide smile. “Well, I might take you up on that offer. I’m actually outside…”

“Oh,” Richie said, sounding a bit distressed. “Shit, I’m not home. But it’s OK, uh, I hid a spare key you can use.”

“Please tell me it’s not under your welcome mat,” Eddie said, standing up to allow himself inside.

“No, no, I’m not an idiot. It’s actually one floor down from me, stuck up behind a wall lamp to the left of the elevator.”

“Got it. You’re sure this is OK?”

“Absolutely, Eddie my love,” he said, sending an affectionate warmth through Eddie’s chest. “Make yourself at home and I’ll be there in an hour. Be safe.”

Richie hung up immediately, which was rather odd, but Eddie brushed it off, thinking Richie was just trying to get out of what he was doing as soon as possible. He felt a little bad, but couldn’t help but feel an internal little squee in delight of upcoming domestic bliss with his childhood love. As a teen, there was nothing that would’ve made Eddie happier than picturing this scenario, staying with Richie in his bed in a _loving_ , romantic embrace, but it was admittedly still a little embarrassing and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was just a hard thing to accept, but he was also very aware that Richie had made a point to burn the image of naked Eddie covered in cum into his memory before he realized exactly who Eddie was, and _that_ was still playing in Eddie’s brain, which was equally sexy as it was daunting.

The key was exactly where Richie said it was. Eddie got into the apartment, squeezing his large suitcase through the tiny kitchen, which was a bit of a mess, so Eddie stopped to clean it up. The first thing Eddie wanted to do was shower now, so he pulled his suitcase around to the other side of the bed in the living area, away from view of anyone that was just walking in so he could explain to Richie what happened more properly.

There wasn’t a bathtub, which wasn’t surprising in the slightest. It was a wonder how Richie didn’t feel claustrophobic in the little stand-in shower, but Eddie found it cozy enough. He had his own wash and hair products, but he couldn’t help himself from smelling all of Richie’s products, the aroma of Richie’s scent and the steam of hot water immediately getting Eddie flushed. Would it be weird if he got off in Richie’s shower while waiting for him? What the fuck ever at this point.

Eddie kept Richie’s shampoo bottle under his nose, breathing it in slowly while he jerked himself off and thought about all the ways Richie had touched him already. And then his brain wondered how he _would_ touch him and how they’d – how they’d have sex. In that moment when Eddie’s brain was consumed by nothing but those primal urges, he realized he wanted Richie in a way he never thought about before, to feel him inside of him, fucking him. It was like the desires in Eddie’s brain had been hibernating and were finally awoken by Richie’s presence in his life again. Eddie thought about how slick his fingers were from all the soap and products and let go of his dick to slip his hand further down between his legs. He lifted his right leg up for a better angle as he slipped a finger in, then two and tried to mimic the way Richie had pleasured him just last night, going in deep enough to find that little spot Richie managed to find so easily…

 _Oh_. There it is.

Eddie felt his throat open up, letting little moans and whines escape him in the privacy of the shower, pushing his fingers in deeper, trying to imagine what it would be like with Richie’s cock in there instead. He had to put the shampoo bottle down, so he took one last inhale before promptly dropping it on the floor to keep jerking himself off while he fingered into his prostate. _Why the fuck haven’t I been coming like this my entire adult life_? Eddie couldn’t help but think after he came, his head thrown back and toes curled in the small puddles of shower water on the tile.

Probably best not to tell Richie about this right away.

After he dried himself off and shamelessly put on Richie’s bathrobe, feeling much more relaxed than he thought humanly possible, Eddie felt himself looking around Richie’s apartment. There was no order to the place in any form, all the furniture mix-matched. Even his book shelf, which was quite large for the small space, was full of DVD’s and CD’s and books in seemingly random order until Eddie took a closer look. Richie seemed to have organized it by genre, cramming all of his horror on the same shelves at Eddie’s eye-level, but besides that didn’t put any more thought into it. Nothing was alphabetized, books and DVD’s all stood together sporadically, and CD’s of music Richie somehow thought organized into the horror category (like The Misfits and Blue Oyster Cult) were stacked at the tops of them messily. Eddie did have to admire that Richie had very eclectic tastes, seeming to just buy just about anything he could read or watch or listen to and cram it on the shelf. Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes seeing The Notebook and The Thing next to each other with all the horror.

A strange noise came from behind Eddie, and he turned and startled to see a cat standing on the coffee table staring at him. She looked out of place compared to the rest of the apartment; she had a small, very pretty face and a slick and beautiful coat, almost all black except for some speckled orange, like freckles scattered around her fur. Even her eyes were orange, bright and curious as they stared at Eddie until she let out a single meow at him. Eddie cautiously stretched a hand out, letting her sniff him, feeling her whiskers tickle his knuckles before she head-butt his hand affectionately. _Aw_.

She was wearing a red collar, and Eddie stroked down her face before taking the tag to read the name: Mina.

“You wanna lay down with me while we wait for Richie, Mina?”

Mina meowed softly in response and Eddie smiled, taking that as a yes. Feeling a little weird about going through the rest of the apartment, Eddie took a random book from the horror shelf and sat back on the couch, a large and bright red puffy three-seater. The couch was a little battered and worn, but it was comfy as hell. Mina immediately hopped onto Eddie’s stomach and settled down, curling up and purring as he started stroking her. It helped keep him relaxed, but he couldn’t help but feel anxious again as he read Richie’s book, realizing a grisly horror novel was not the best thing for him in his mindset.

Mina didn’t seem to mind when Eddie got up, but he did feel awful and took about five minutes just willing himself to make her move from the comfy warm spot on his stomach. It was then, when he was taking a pill to relax him when the front door opened.

“I practically ran here,” Richie panted as he closed the door behind him. His hair was a little damp, his glasses sprinkled with rain drops.

Yeah. Everything had been totally worth it.

Eddie dropped the pill bottle on the bed and practically jumped over it, running over to Richie and tackling him into a hug, not minding the wet clothes pressing against him. Richie reciprocated immediately, squeezing him tight.

“God, seeing your little body swim in my big bathrobe is doing things to me, Eds,” Richie chuckled into Eddie’s hair.

Eddie pulled back and looked up at Richie seriously. “So do things to me.”

Richie blinked down at him. “What?”

“I’m all yours now. Do the things you’re thinking to me.”

God, he could feel Richie’s heart practically somersault in his chest under Eddie’s palm. Richie reached a hand up to cup Eddie’s cheek more tenderly than Eddie expected.

“I didn’t say it back yesterday. I didn’t – It didn’t feel right to say it when you were still with her. Then I thought about saying it when you called, but it didn’t feel right on the phone, either.” Richie took a deep breath. “I love you, Eds. I always have; always will.”

“I love you, too, Rich,” Eddie breathed.

Richie leaned down and kissed him, sweet and slow like honey dripping across his lips. Eddie’s body melted into it and Richie held all of his weight up with the hands around Eddie’s back. Their tongues moved smoothly and wet against each other and Eddie found his ands gravitating back into Richie’s hair to tug it. They moved their bodies around so Eddie’s back was against the kitchen counter, which at this point was becoming a signature for them. Except their slow, steady movements were interrupted by Richie gripping Eddie’s arms and twisting him around to bend him over slightly, and Eddie automatically pushed up so he was on his tippy-toes and his ass was pressing directly into Richie’s dick.

“Fuck, I want this so bad, Rich,” Eddie whined, curling his fingers on the counter, desperate to cling onto something but his fingertips slid smoothly against the granite.

Richie pressed his entire body against the length of Eddie’s back, reaching a hand around and sliding it into the open of the bathrobe. “I’m pretty sure I’ve been dreaming of this even when I couldn’t remember you,” he whispered, a small laugh ghosting against Eddie’s neck.

“Imagine if sixteen year old us could see us now?” Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Oh, sixteen year old me is already high-fiving me in my head.”

Richie’s hands were caressing Eddie’s chest until his fingers found one of Eddie’s nipples, pinching it between his fingers and twisting them around.

“ _Ah,_ ” Eddie hissed, pushing Richie’s hand back down his chest. “What are you doing?”

“Touching you,” Richie grinned against his ear. “Wassamatta? Sensitive nips?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, shit, people don’t just go around playing with them,” Eddie grumbled, feeling a little embarrassed. “I don’t think anyone’s ever touched them like – like that.”

Richie cocked his head to the side over Eddie’s shoulder so Eddie could see his face better, raising his eyebrows. “Seriously? Never?”

“N-no, why would – what’s the point?”

“Because it feels good?” Richie laughed, grinding his hips into Eddie’s backside. “Oh man, there’s probably a killer list of crazy shit I could do to you and drive you wild, and you have no idea…”

“Like… like what?” Eddie asked bashfully, the confidence he felt before wearing thin.

“Do you like your hair pulled?”

“I don’t know, I – I like pulling yours, I think.”

“What about getting spanked?”

“ _What_?” Eddie gasped, turning his face down to hide his burning cheeks. “I don’t – do you actually do that?”

Richie chuckled. “I’m going to say that’s a ‘no’ to being tied up and choked then, right?”

“Jesus, what the fuck, Richie?” Eddie asked, feeling slightly mortified, slightly curious, and a little bit flushed. “When do you find time to think about this shit?”

“I don’t know,” Richie mused, slowly kissing up Eddie’s neck. “Sometimes I get the ideas from porn. Or maybe someone did it to me while we’re fucking and I liked it so I did it with someone else.”

Eddie thought about how he had taken a few pointers from porn himself, so that was wasn’t too weird, but what the fuck kind of porn is Richie watching? What kind of people has he slept with?

“Richie, I… I’m not very experienced in that crazy stuff. I mean, it’s pretty much just been vanilla sex for 8 years.”

“Just 8?” Richie asked, amused. Eddie turned and smacked him lightly on the chest.

“Screw you, asshole. High school and college were rough for me. Not all of us are blessed with your confidence.”

“Confidence?” Richie laughed, tickling Eddie’s ear. “You think I’m confident? That’s cute, Eds.”

“Well, you’re brave enough to be with who you want to be with,” Eddie said quietly, turning away again shamefully.

“Listen,” Richie said softly, rubbing Eddie’s sides affectionately from behind him. “It’s not easy, I know that. I mean, hell, that’s why every guy I’ve been with before has been some sketchy hook-up until… you know, now.”

“I want – I really want to be with you,” Eddie breathed out, feeling his hips back up into Richie and feeling the hardness there in Richie’s jeans. He felt Richie’s breath hitched as he gripped Eddie tightly around the waist and pressed his cock right back into Eddie.

“Fuck, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.” His breath was ragged and almost unbelieving of what Eddie was saying. “Heh, I just hope I live up to whatever expectations you have, because I can’t make any promises.”

Eddie let out a chuckle. “Well, that won’t be hard. I don’t have any expectations or anything else to compare it to, so…”

A small gasp escaped him as Richie roughly turned him around to face him, his face looking down at Eddie sternly. “You’ve never done this before? I thought you were just saying that ‘cause you were embarrassed.”

“Well, no, not – not with another guy. You’re the only guy I’ve – I’ve ever done anything with.”

Richie let go of him, taking a step back to look Eddie over. Eddie was suddenly all nerves, wanting to curl into himself into nothingness under Richie’s calculating gaze.

“We should slow down,” Richie whispered. “I don’t – I don’t want to rush into this like this, not if… I mean, I’ve imagined our first time together since I knew what sex even was. If we were both young and doing this for the first time together that would be different, but I don’t want to rush into something you don’t know what you’re getting into.”

“Rich, I want to do this,” Eddie said softly. “I want you to – what’s the word… top? Whatever it is that means for you to fuck me,” he added, making both of them blush. “I promise, I really do.”

“I know, love,” said Richie, reaching forward again to caress Eddie’s cheek. “But take it from someone who rushed his first time bottoming just because I was eager to do it for someone: you need to be ready or it could be really upsetting. I’m not promising fireworks or anything, but I at least want to make sure it’s as comfortable for you as possible. We don’t need to rush, OK?”

A sharp pang reached Eddie’s chest as he stared up at Richie. “Did it hurt? Were you OK after?”

“Honestly, it was… not great. Let’s leave it at that. Not all guys really give a shit how they’re making you feel if you’re not actively speaking up for yourself. You promise you’ll be honest with me when we do stuff, right?”

“I promise.” Eddie knew it wasn’t a good idea to ask, especially when Richie had just been so sincere with him, but he blurted it out anyway. “How many have you slept with?”

“Mmm… like ten, I think.”

 _Oh wow._ “Oh wow,” Eddie said aloud, stupidly. “How many of those were guys?”

“Oh, those were the guys. You meant, like, people in general? I don’t know, like… forty something I guess? I don’t exactly keep count. I think I topped for like half the guys and, you know, all the women, so, I _hopefully_ have an idea of what I’m doing,” he added with an awkward chuckle.

“F-f-forty? Jesus.” This shouldn’t be as upsetting to Eddie as it was, but his chest immediately constricted and yanked all the air from Eddie’s chest. His hands shook and he pulled away from Richie to run back over to the bed and pick up his pill bottle again, dry swallowing another pill.

Richie’s concerned voice broke through the steady drumming of Eddie’s pulse in his ears.

“Eds, how many of those have you taken?”

“I’m having, like, a fucking panic attack, Richie,” Eddie gasped out angrily. “Can you not act like my fucking _mother_ and make it worse?”

“Hey, easy,” Richie said softly, looking a bit frightened as he was reaching out to Eddie.

Eddie desperately wanted Richie to touch him and comfort him, but he still stepped back when Richie reached out for him and felt his eyes sting at he hurt look on Richie’s face as he did so.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, throat all wet from beginning to cry. Jesus, he was a mess.

“Don’t be sorry,” Richie said gently, holding his hands up in surrender. He sat down on his bed, keeping his eyes on Eddie. “I promise I’ve been safe. I’ve gotten tested a bunch and have been before you and I got together. I also know there aren’t any little Richie’s running around.

“H-how do you know that?”

“Because I shoot blanks,” Richie said absently. “Tried selling my sperm once in college but I got as many shots as a stormtrooper.” He looked over Eddie curiously. “You know that doesn’t matter to me, right? How many people you’ve slept with?”

“Two,” Eddie said tearfully. “I’ve slept with _two_ women, and maybe three if you count the prostitute I accidentally lost my virginity to as a prank from my friends.”

“I’m really sorry that happened,” Richie said sincerely, and Eddie was very appreciative that he wasn’t making a joke about it. “Experience doesn’t – well, it shouldn’t matter with the right person. It’s not like you need enough EXP to get the big boss battle or anything. Everyone is different anyway. I’m just… I’m just so happy I get to be around you now; nothing else matters.”

“Really?” Eddie whispered softly, looking up at Richie.

“Of course. If we both lost our dicks in a freak accident tomorrow, I’d still be happy to cuddle you for the rest of our lives.”

“That… that is a very weird thing to say, Rich,” Eddie chuckled, moving to sit down next to Richie. Richie’s shoulder moved awkwardly, as if he was about to put his arm around Eddie and changed his mind based on Eddie’s previous reaction. So Eddie took Richie’s arm and pulled it around his shoulder and leaned into Richie’s chest. “I’m sorry I reacted like that. I shouldn’t be jealous or anything.”

“You’ve always been dramatic, so it’s OK. I am curious about the suitcase though…”

“Oh. Shit,” Eddie muttered. “Yeah, uh… I mean, you did say I could live here, right?”

Richie reached his hand under Eddie’s chin and tilted his head up to look at him. “What happened?”

“My mom overheard. She… she doesn’t want me staying there with her until I… come to my senses.”

“Come to your senses and marry a woman you don’t love?”

Eddie swallowed. “Come to my senses and stop being gay.”

Richie’s eyes grew wide, his mouth dropping open in surprise. “You… you came _out_?”

Eddie nodded. “She didn’t take it very well.”

He didn’t expect Richie to squeeze him so tightly, holding onto him like Eddie had just survived some more dramatic ordeal, but he appreciated in nonetheless. But he really didn’t expect the next words that came out of Richie’s mouth and made Eddie’s eyes tear up more.

“I’m so proud of you, Eddie.”

They sat there like that for some time, minutes ticking by slowly as Eddie quietly cried into Richie’s chest and they just held each other. Only Mina’s meow brought them back to reality and Eddie couldn’t help but smile at Richie as he picked her up to give her attention she was begging for, cradling her like a baby.

“I didn’t expect you to be a cat person.”

Richie shrugged. “I just love animals. I had a hamster and a lizard at one point and they both died – from old age, I promise. They don’t mind a cat, which is good, because I couldn’t give Mina up after finding her in the trash with her siblings, they had all starved. The building sent a warning letter about my dog though, so I had to give him up to a friend that lives upstate. I visit him sometimes. His name is Thor. He’s a giant doofus Rottweiler with three legs and one eye and he’s the best dog ever.”

“I’d like to meet him,” Eddie beamed. “Let me guess: Mina Harker from Dracula?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” Richie grinned.

“You still love horror and comics,” Eddie sighed, getting up to get the book on the couch he had been reading before. “Not a surprise. I tried reading this one but it was making me anxious.”

“Well, that book is terrible.”

“You have, like, four books from this guy.”

Richie leaned over to read the name and laughed. “Oh, yeah. William Denbrough. I always get drawn to his books for some reason and I keep buying them. And then I read them and remember, oh yeah, he fucking sucks. They start out good, but the endings are shit.”

Still, Eddie felt drawn to it, too, so he set it down on his suitcase to try reading it again another time. Richie was getting Mina some water while Eddie sat back down on the bed, checking the messages on his phone. Surprisingly, Myra had not messaged him since leaving the house. About an hour ago, Chris asked if he could come in the next day.

**Chris**

_Hey, some lady named Lydia said she left something in the limo?_

_You didn’t sign out the limo number so I don’t know where the fuck it was_

_Can you just swing by the place around 9 tomorrow to find it so she can pick it up?_

_I gotta go home_

“Hey, do you want to swing by my work with me tomorrow and get some breakfast in Manhattan?” Eddie asked Richie. He felt Richie’s weight on the bed, Richie leaning over to kiss Eddie’s cheek.

“Sure thing, my love.”

Eddie smiled, knowing he’d never get tired of that.

**Eddie**

_Hey, sorry man. Yeah I’ll swing by and check for her._

**Chris**

_Thanks bro_

_Any progress with the Myra situation?_

Eddie turned and saw Richie cozying into bed, wearing nothing but a shirt and boxers now as he slid under the covers.

**Eddie**

_No more Myra situation. I’ll tell you about it when I see you._

“I take it you’ve never had a sleep over with a guy before then?” Richie asked, petting Mina on the other side of the bed.

Eddie shook his head, but stood up and pulled the drawstring of the robe, letting it fall to the floor and quickly sliding his bare naked body under the covers next to a shocked-looking Richie.

“What? You’ve seen me naked twice now.”

“Y-yeah, I – I guess so,” Richie stammered, tucking his arm under Eddie’s neck to pull him into his chest. “Just don’t think I’m ever going to get used to how fucking hot you are.”

“This is OK?” Eddie asked softly, closing his eyes and feeling his lashes flutter shut against Richie’s shirt.

“This is perfect,” Richie sighed pleasantly.

“I love you, Richie.”

“I love you, too Eds.”

It felt so… safe right here, just curled up into Richie. So… simple, but so perfect. He let his arm drape around Richie’s waist, squeezing his side once to tuck himself in further, breathing all of Richie in, and enjoying the feeling of their legs tangling together. Eddie tried to focus on it all as he drifted to sleep, wanting to keep this pleasant feeling floating through his dreams. Something was interrupting them, small images that were trying to settle there from the book he had picked up from that William Denbrough, and somehow being close to Richie was making them more vivid. So they came then in his dreams, intruding and demanding; cold dreams of lost boys trudging through the dark, through tunnels so endless and deep beneath the earth, something evil there haunting them. When he woke up, he felt like he had had these dreams before and had long forgotten them, buried them deep somewhere inside, because they scared him more than they likely should. But at least now when he woke, he could lie back into the arms of his long lost love. At least in Richie’s arms, Eddie was safe. The tunnels were just a nightmare.


	6. The Night They Came Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring the beginnings of Eddie and Richie's relationship, starting anew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you for stopping by and leaving thoughts, kudos, and subscribing! It means a lot.  
> So if you take notice, I have definitely outlined this fic and it will be 10 chapters. I knew where this was going, but I wasn't sure how long it would take to get there, but as we're now over the hump, I've got a good idea how this will all work out!
> 
> For some extra context, if it wasn't explicit or you're too lazy to google when Star Wars Ep 3 came out, the fic started in mid May in 2005 :)
> 
> I will add these to the tags, but just as an extra tw for content: there will be non-explicit diaglogue regarding thoughts of non-con relationships/hook-ups (hard to explain without context). 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you all enjoy!

“When’s your birthday?”

“November.”

“November 2nd!” Richie exclaimed, snapping his fingers. “I remember that. Wait, are you younger or older than me?”

“Older, I think,” Eddie smiled, leaning his head back on the window of the rattling subway train. “I’ll be 30 this year. Yours was in March?”

“Yup,” said Richie. “March 7th. Just turned 29. Pisces and Scorpio go together, right?”

“Oh god,” Eddie groaned. “Please don’t tell me you put stake in that.”

“Nah; just having fun. What’s your favorite color?”

“Red. You?”

“I think yellow.”

Eddie actually guffawed at that, remembering his conversation with Myra yesterday, when she had thrown out his flowers because he forgot she hated yellow. Richie raised an eyebrow at him.

“Not a fan?”

“No, I like yellow,” Eddie laughed. “It’s very… happy.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Richie smiled back at him. “Red is a very good color on you, though. I think you used to wear it a lot.”

“I still do for that reason. Favorite food?”

“Sushi. Or maybe tacos.”

“I’ve never had sushi,” said Eddie. “Maybe you can show me a good place.”

“I would love to pop your sushi cherry, Eds,” Richie winked.

“Dude,” Eddie muttered, blushing even though he knew no one was close enough to hear them.

Richie nudged Eddie’s knee with his own. “Relax. We’re fine. What’s your favorite ice cream?”

“Hmm. Coffee. Or mint, but without the chocolate chips.”

“Without the chips?” Richie laughed, looking at him strangely. “That’s fucked up. Where do you even get that?”

“Cold Stone. I usually get it in a milkshake. It’s really refreshing.”

Richie shook his head. “That’s gross. You don’t eat ice cream because it’s _refreshing_ ; you eat it to be a fat ass. You could’ve said something good like moose tracks or chocolate chip cookie dough, and you go with fucking chocolate-free mint.”

“I’m sorry, but which one of us actually has abs and which one of us has a fucking pouch?” Eddie teased, poking Richie in the belly.

“Hey, I’m sensitive about that,” Richie fake pouted with a twinkle in his eye, rubbing his belly.

“I bet you think your dad-bod is real sexy, don’t you?” Eddie grinned, because it was funny, and also because he actually _did_ think Richie was sexy just the way he was.

“Actually, I think you could call it a… father figure.”

“Oh… my god. Oh my god, Richie.”

They both sat there giggling moronically and probably making other passengers uncomfortable. Eddie did learn on the ride to his work that Richie _did_ go hiking some day’s upstate when he visited his dog, but he was a real priss about it every time he went, always whining about ticks and mosquitoes. He worked at a radio station when he wasn’t doing stand-up. Apparently, he was allergic to eggs, so he bought pastries from a vegan baker in his neighborhood, even though he ate meat. Richie had a sister whom Eddie could vaguely remember. She was getting a PhD in Baltimore. Her name was Penelope. They used to call her Penny until high school when she started going by Nel. Sometimes Richie called her “Lopy” or “Pee” just to be an asshole. For some reason, Eddie really preferred any of those nick names to Penny. Something about it just didn’t sit right.

There was something worrying Eddie from the far recesses of his mind while talking to Richie, but he couldn’t quite reach it. He felt like it was something so important, so recent, and so intrusive. Whatever it was, he hoped it stayed buried.

Eddie was getting calls from Myra all morning. A few numbers from Westchester had tried calling him as well, so he had a feeling she had said something to the wedding venue or their vendors, possibly trying to make sure everything was secure in case Eddie had already tried to cancel things. He could see Richie’s concern each time he checked his phone.

“Did you want to try and see her today?” he asked Eddie softly. “Or maybe just give her a call?”

“Of course I don’t _want_ to. But I might need to call her again. I don’t know. This shit isn’t going to be as easy as it felt yesterday.”

“Well, I’ll be here,” Richie assured, gently pressing his knee against Eddie’s. “Whatever you need.”

“Thanks,” said Eddie, wishing he had the confidence to rest his head onto Richie’s shoulder. He appreciated the smallest touch of their legs pressed together and pushed back with his knee more firmly. He wanted to grab Richie’s hand that rested on his lap and place it on his own, but it would be too brave a gesture in public. He wasn’t quite there yet.

“There aren’t a lot of limos in here,” Richie was saying in their garage while Eddie rummaged through the back of the car he took out yesterday.

“A lot more out in the day as the weather gets warmer,” said Eddie, finding a small clutch bag that he was sure belonged to one of the older women he drove yesterday. He opened it up to check the ID and climbed out to lead Richie up to the office.

“Any chance we could fool around in one of these someday?” Richie grinned from over the top of the car as Eddie walked around.

“Shh!” Eddie hushed, whacking Richie on the arm. “There are, like, cameras and shit in here, dude.”

“Oh, even better. Could I get a copy of the tape after I bend you over one of these hoods?”

“Jesus Christ,” Eddie muttered, trying to cover his blush. “Can we please bring this to the poor girl upstairs?”

Richie continued to tease him while they went up to the office, where not Lydia, but the young assistant was patiently waiting for them. Eddie smacked Richie in the stomach to shut him up when she caught his eye just as Richie was making another lewd suggestion.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, ma’am,” Eddie apologized as he handed her the small bag. As she took it, the sleeve of her jacket pulled up slightly and Eddie could’ve sworn he saw a small bruise on her wrist, but tried not to believe that that’s what it really was.

“No problem,” she said, smiling warmly. “That’s more time I don’t have to be around Lydia, so I’m quite OK with that.”

“You look familiar,” Richie piped up. “Did you go to BMCC? I feel like I’ve seen you before.”

“Pratt,” she said.

“Right – no, yeah – sorry, you definitely don’t look like the community college kind of gal; my bad.”

For some reason, she laughed at that, brushing her red hair behind her ear. “Now that’s funny. The other students at Pratt couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t serving burgers at a McDonalds.” She pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Either of you have a light?”

“Sure,” Richie said, pulling his lighter and his own cigarettes out. “Here, I’ll smoke with you. You wanna come, Eds?”

“No, I’ll wait here,” said Eddie, trying his best not to look disgusted. “I just gotta check on something. I’ll see you back in a minute.”

“Thanks again, Eddie,” the woman said. Her smile was very infectious and warm, and Eddie couldn’t help but feel some sort of attraction to her in a way he didn’t recognize. He watched them both go outside, sitting himself down at one of the desks with no real task in mind except to go over his own thoughts.

Eventually, Eddie would have to deal with the vendors, but that wouldn’t be too bad. He’d lose his deposits and all the payments from his venue, but at this point it was worth it. It would’ve been a bigger waste if he had ended up marrying Myra. Eddie drummed his fingers on the desk while wondering how he’d contact Myra again, what point he’d even try to make except the conversation he’d already had with her. He wondered if she and his mother would still be speaking, sharing their mutual disgust in his actions.

Did he even want to keep a relationship with his mother after this? If she’d cut him out of her life just from falling in love with someone, she didn’t deserve his affections. He hoped he’d be strong enough to allow himself to cut that toxicity out of his life, too.

“Eddie!”

Eddie jumped, looking up at where the shout came from, seeing Myra herself standing there as if pulled from his very thoughts.

“Jesus, Myra – how the fuck did you know I was here?”

“You weren’t home,” she said simply. “Why aren’t you with your mother?”

“None of your business,” Eddie retorted. He didn’t get up from his seat as she stomped towards him at the desk. “Why are you here? You should’ve taken more time to think about what I said last night.”

“I don’t need time, Eddie. Because I know that you are one of two things: either delusional or sick. We just have to figure out which one of those that is so we can fix it.”

Eddie leaned forward, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes; a headache was incoming already. “Myra… neither of those is true. I’m sorry that this hurts, but I also don’t owe you an explanation to why I don’t love you, regardless.”

“You don’t _owe_ me?” she screeched, slamming a hand down on the desk between them, forcing Eddie to look up at her. “You owe me _everything_ , Eddie!”

“Hardly,” he muttered. “I took two years from you. You probably took ten years off my life with all the stress you gave me.”

“Why are you being so _cruel_?” Myra cried, tears filling her eyes.

“I’m being truthful, Myra. It only sounds cruel because I’m not tiptoeing around your feelings anymore. I can’t. Otherwise, it’s… it’s too cruel to _me_ , don’t you get that?”

Myra pursed her lips and pulled her hand back, looking down on him coldly. “There’s something wrong with you. You _are_ sick. But we can get you better, Eddie – ”

“I know I’m sick,” Eddie admitted sadly. “There’s a lot wrong with me, but being gay isn’t one of them, and there’s nothing you can do to help me, Myra. I’m not someone you can fix or take care of.”

The utter confusion on her face was almost comical, her head tilting to the side like a dog hearing a whistle. As if on cue, the door behind her opened, Richie and the redheaded woman returning from their brief smoke break. Myra turned to stare at them both with scrutinizing eyes.

“Uh oh,” said Richie.

“Eddie, who is this?” Myra asked, turning back to Eddie with her finger jabbed in Richie’s direction. She damn well knew who the fuck that was, based on the way her eyelid switched.

“That – that’s my – that’s Richie,” Eddie stammered awkwardly. “Please Myra. Not now. I asked you to take time.”

Myra’s mouth hung open for a moment, snapping shut again as she looked at Eddie aghast. “ _Him_? This is who you’re choosing to – to do god knows what with?”

“Hey lady!” The woman shouted from next to Richie. “I think he just asked you to fuck off!’”

“Excuse me?” Myra spat at her. “Who the hell do you think _you_ are?”

“I don’t know, but you seem to be being a huge dick right now,” the woman said back. Eddie couldn’t help but admire her fierceness.

“Myra, here,” Eddie interjected, finally getting up. “Let me walk you outside.”

“Don’t come near me!” she shouted at him. “I don’t know where all of this came from, Eddie. But it’s not just me you have to think about; you’re going to break your mother’s heart!”

“That doesn’t have to be your problem,” Eddie offered.

Myra huffed. “We’ll see.” She made a point to shoulder the young woman on her way out, and Eddie stood there in disbelief.

“Wow,” the redhead said. “What a homophobic chode.”

“I’ll say,” Richie muttered before turning to Eddie. “You OK?”

“I’m fine,” said Eddie. “Thank you for that,” he nodded to the redhead. “You didn’t have to say anything.”

“I always say something when someone’s acting like that,” she said, smiling. “Sorry if I was being intrusive.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Eddie smiled back at her.

“Well, thanks again,” she said, holding up the clutch bag. “And thanks for the light,” she added, patting Richie on the shoulder. “It was nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Beverly,” Richie said, waving to her goodbye. “Catch you around sometime, I hope. 97.1 if you want a good laugh!”

She smiled at Eddie again before leaving and not a second more passed before Richie was at Eddie’s side again, wrapping his arms around him.

“You sure you’re OK?”

“I am now,” Eddie sighed into Richie’s chest, squeezing him back. God, what a wonderful place it was in Richie’s arms. “Can we go back to your place?”

“Already? I thought you wanted to get breakfast?”

“Oh, right. Yeah; we can do that. Then home; preferably spending the rest of the day in bed?” he offered, looking up at Richie shyly. He was met with a wide, mischievous grin.

“I think we deserve that,” said Richie, kissing Eddie softly on the tip of his nose. “I think that’s the perfect way to spend my day off before working tomorrow.”

“You mean it? You’d be OK with… doing that?”

“Well, I’m not making promises, but we’ll see. No worst case scenarios; we either have sex or fool around and cuddle. I have to warn you, I’m a _huge_ cuddle slut.”

“That sounds perfect,” Eddie smiled at him.

High school crush butterflies invaded Eddie’s stomach for the remainder of their time out, now that the prospect of sex was almost imminent. Eddie was all nerves, attempting to sneak his anxiety medicine down with a mimosa.

“Dude, how much medicine do you take?” Richie asked, forcing Eddie to choke a little and drop the little pill on the ground before he could push it past his lips.

“Just – just when I need it,” Eddie tried to deflect, picking the pill up. “I have morning meds, night meds, and then some that I just take when I need to.”

Richie did not stop looking concerned. “What do you need them for?”

Eddie put his glass down and started poking his pancakes with his fork absentmindedly. “I get, like, anxious and stuff, that’s all.”

“It’s OK to be anxious, Eds. Have you talked to your doctor about what to do to stop taking so many pills?”

“No,” Eddie mumbled.

“I still have to take Concerta,” Richie said. “Apparently you don’t really grow out of ADHD.”

“Hey, so do I!”

Richie chuckled, but there wasn’t much humor behind it. “Isn’t one of the side effects, like, panic? I mean, I’m not a doctor or anything, but you should probably be on something else…”

“Oh… well, I guess,” Eddie muttered. “It’s not that big of a deal, Rich.”

“How about this,” Richie said, gently moving Eddie’s drink out of the way, sneaking a hand over Eddie’s. “Can you try not taking it today and maybe, I don’t know, talking to me about how you’re feeling?”

“It’s not good to stop taking it like that,” Eddie said urgently. “I could get like seizures or a fever or something…”

“Ok, ok,” Richie said, offering his hands up in surrender. “What if you just took, like, half a pill? Then try not taking it the rest of the day?”

“Yeah, ok. That sounds fair.”

They talked about maybe finding Eddie a new doctor and going over his medicine with them. Then he did as Richie suggested by taking just half a pill and tried to remind himself that maybe he didn’t need to take more. After all, this was Richie; he’d never harm him or make him uncomfortable, not on purpose at least. There wasn’t anything to be scared of with him, so there was no reason to be as nervous as he was. Yet all the way back to their home his leg bounced up and down so fast it was practically vibrating until Richie subtly snuck a hand onto Eddie’s knee.

That helped.

Or at least it did until Eddie found himself on his back on Richie’s bed with Richie’s hands all over him. He was trying to focus on that, just how it felt to be underneath Richie and let his brain be consumed by the warmth of his fingertips tracing up his shirt. But even lying down, he felt dizzy, like the bed was shifting beneath his back, which was sweating more than it should have been, even under these circumstances. His own hands were trembling in Richie’s hair, and maybe Richie thought it as just simple nerves until this hand ghosted over Eddie’s chest and found his heartbeat there, pulling away quickly once he realized how erratic those beats were in his chest.

“Eddie, are you ok?” he asked, voice dripping with concern.

This isn’t Myra. This is Richie. You promised, Eddie.

“No,” Eddie admitted with a small whimper. “I don’t – I don’t go this long without my meds, Rich.”

Richie sighed heavily, removing himself from over Eddie and leaning back against the headboard. “Go head,” he said, waving his arm towards the suitcase. “Take what you need.”

“Th-thank you,” Eddie breathed, rolling over and reaching into the bag to grab his pill bottle. He had forgotten about the half pill that was still in his pocket until he already took a whole one instead. His chest still felt tight, but the immediate placebo effect had already done its job, allowing Eddie to relax a little, taking deep breaths. He turned to offer Richie a smile, but did not find one in return, instead feeling the seeds of guilt burying in his belly.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Richie.”

“It’s ok,” Richie said softly. “Why don’t we cool off? Take a seat on the couch and watch a movie?”

“I’ll be better in a minute!” Eddie urged. Richie just smiled sadly at him.

“I don’t feel comfortable being with you when you’re drugged up, Eds.”

Eddie’s stomach tensed, feeling queasy and hot. “I’m not drugged up, Rich, it’s just – it’s anxiety.”

“I know,” Richie whispered, patting the bed next to him. “Why don’t you come over here and talk to me about it?”

Eddie hesitated, feeling that creeping paranoia that came with sharing uncomfortable things about him. He never did so with Myra or his mother, and really they were both a big cause of those uncomfortable, painful things. But he allowed himself to scoot over on the bed, lie next to Richie, and allow Richie’s arm to slide around his waist to hold him close against him. Eddie started playing with the buttons on Richie’s shirt to keep his fingers from fidgeting.

“I think I’m sick,” Eddie whispered.

“What do you mean?” Richie asked sincerely.

“Like… I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Like, mentally. But it’s making me feel like I’m always sick. Sometimes it feels like something is scratching at my insides and I have to snuff it out, so I think of all these things that could be wrong instead and I just… I don’t know, mask it I guess. I just try to keep it quiet.”

“Is that why you started taking the drugs?”

“Yes,” Eddie admitted willfully. “It wasn’t so bad at first. They just helped calm me down until the stress got worse. When I took more, my brain would get all… fuzzy and like… I’d get all confused and sleepy, but it was nice, like I was living somewhere outside of my own head, away from all the stuff making me upset. Sometimes if I take enough it feels like my brains in a warm whirlpool trying to flush out all the bad stuff, but there’s nothing to unplug it and let it drain out so it just surfaces right back up. So I take more. Or sometimes I just use it to sleep. It helps a lot with that.”

“You know, Eds, that sounds kind of like…”

“I know what it sounds like. But it’s not… it’s not like that, I can stop.”

“You just said you couldn’t.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Eddie said defensively.

“I’m not judging you Eddie,” Richie said softly, squeezing Eddie once around the waist and rubbing his hand up and down affectionately. “I just want to understand. I don’t want to force you to do anything, either.”

“But you won’t be with me,” Eddie whispered, feeling his voice break as his eyes stung with tears. He felt his head move up and down steadily on Richie’s chest as he sighed beneath him.

“I just meant literally, physically. I _am_ with you. You literally just gave up your life for me. And I… must admit I’d do the same, as crazy as it sounds for having just realized who you were, like, two days ago.”

“Well, spoiler alert; I’m a fucking basket case.”

“So am I. But we can work on that; together.”

Eddie lifted his head up, not completely, but enough to bury his face in the crook of Richie’s neck, trying to get addicted to his scent. He always seemed to have one, an addiction, some sort of vice. At least he couldn’t overdose on affection, despite anything his mom or Myra would’ve tried to convince him.

“What’s the old saying? Learn to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else?”

“I call bullshit,” Richie huffed. “Broken people still deserve love. We can love each other and still try to heal.”

“Myra tried to heal me. So did my mother. But that’s not true,” Eddie said, furrowing his brow. “They tried to _fix_ me. They didn’t care that I was whole, as long as they could put the pieces together where they wanted.”

“I promise I won’t try to do that to you, Eds.”

“I know you won’t, Rich.”

They laid there talking for hours, talking until Eddie’s tight and tired nerves unraveled and sank like jelly, open and honest about dark things inside of him that he had hid from every other living person. Richie offered that same sincerity in return, revealing parts of himself that Eddie did not imagine lay dormant behind his crude jokes and guile.

“You feel like… a predator?” Eddie whispered back to Richie as they lay on their sides together, stroking the collarbone peaking from under his shirt.

“I know it sounds weird,” Richie confessed. “But I always get this sick feeling when I’m with someone, like they don’t really want to be with me. Like, even with consent, I somehow tricked them into the situation or they’re afraid of me and can’t say no. I’ve never forced anyone to be with me or anything like that, but I always feel like no one would want to be with me unless I made them, so it never made sense in my head for anyone to _willingly_ be with me. Hell, I don’t even want to be with me,” Richie laughed humorlessly.

“Don’t say that, Rich,” Eddie tried, but he knew all too well what that feeling was like.

“The real sick thing is that I kept… doing it. It’s fucked up, because for years after I ended my last real relationship I would never be with someone unless they made the first move, like I thought you were doing at Free Spirits. But I still feel like a monster just for being with someone, and I don’t stop myself. I can’t; because otherwise I’d be alone. It’s like a werewolf that turns under the moon and cries at the corpses when he changes back in the morning. Except instead of a werewolf it’s just me having sex with people and then crying over a bowl of cereal the next morning because I feel like shit. I’ve always kind of been afraid of the idea of werewolves.”

“What cereal did you cry over after our first night at your bar?”

“Fruit loops,” Richie chuckled. “Seeing you panic after, it… well, it was pretty confirming of my fears. Maybe that’s why I threw up when I got home. But seeing you come back…” he raised a hand to stroke Eddie’s cheek gently with this thumb. “That was… almost even more concerning. No one’s ever come back before, not since I ended things with my last ex. I haven’t been with someone steady for years. You promise you’ll tell me if I’m ever making you uncomfortable, right?” he added suddenly.

“I will. But I don’t think – ”

“It doesn’t matter,” Richie said earnestly. “You can say no whenever you need to, Eds. Even if we’re already doing it and you don’t like it, tell me. Even if you’re just unsure about something just let me know.”

“Ok,” Eddie said, sensing a strange sort of caution from Richie. “What would you feel like when you were… you know… bottoming? Did that help at all?”

Richie’s face twisted in concentration as he thought. “You know, I don’t actually remember my first time. I think I was in high school, before all this memory stuff started happening. But I do remember how I felt… I was just… terrified, upset. I can’t remember anything else.”

Eddie hated that answer.

Neither of them had a real 9-5 kind of schedule, but the sporadic nature was almost freeing to Eddie, having all different times of day to be with Richie and spend much needed time to himself to get his life organized or even, dare he say it, _relax._ But no matter what, Richie was always there to be his cheerleader; never over-meddling or over stepping his boundaries, even though Eddie assured Richie that he didn’t have any with him. He did request that Richie try to cut back on smoking, even if it couldn’t be cold turkey.

On Monday morning Eddie decided to call his doctors before going into work. They agreed to help him taper off of the pills he was abusing and made an appointment to talk about the other medications to really figure out what he should and shouldn’t be taking. It was a simple enough conversation, and apparently not uncommon, which Eddie supposed made him feel a little better. He’d be off of the bad stuff in two days and he agreed to stop drinking for a while. When he came home from work, Richie had made him ‘Eddie’s Spaghetti’ (“God I fucking hate you.” “You love it, Eds.”) out of squash instead of real pasta, which they ate while watching a shitty old Godzilla movie that Richie loved and cuddled on the couch before Richie went into the radio station. Eddie had a hard time sleeping, but Mina helped a lot.

On Tuesday Eddie went up to Westchester with Richie to speak to all his vendors while Richie took Thor out for a hike with his friend. All of Eddie’s vendors confirmed his deposits were lost, but to his surprise the wedding venue told him that, although they could not refund him, he wasn’t obligated to pay the remainder of the fees owed. When he asked why, they made it clear that Myra had called them many times and they felt like they were doing “the least they could” to help him. That was very much appreciated. Eddie ignored every call from Myra that day and managed to settle every financial burden of the wedding by the time he met with Richie after and finally got to meet Thor, a super lovable and clumsy boy, before heading back home. Richie made tacos and joked about giving Eddie a congratulatory blow job until it very much was not a joke and Eddie was happily on the couch with his pants at his ankles and Richie between his legs.

The worst symptoms of Eddie’s withdrawal were on Wednesday, once he had completely stopped taking the medicine. He was being short with Richie and Theo and other coworkers he came across so he tried not to converse too much with anyone on the road while he drove them around. His anxiety was vibrating under his skin and crawling through him like a dozen centipedes. He answered one of Myra’s calls out of spite and yelled at her as all his agitation and irritability bubbled up to the surface and didn’t really feel bad about making her cry until he had texted Richie about it, because _of course_ Richie’s heart was soft enough to feel bad for Myra. Eddie at least got his apology out when he called her again before she told him to go fuck himself and hung up. Richie made him balsamic fig chicken.

The two of them were texting all day on Thursday, able to start having adult conversations, real ones about their future. Their finances, how they could start a life together, a real one. Eddie wasn’t sure if he could buy a house for a long time, but Richie was not very attached to where he lived now and wouldn’t mind looking for a place in Manhattan, somewhere they could both be and Richie could even get Thor back. Eddie tried to call his mom after work. After she refused to get on the phone, Eddie told Ethel that he’d come over anyway if she didn’t pick up. Reluctantly, she did.

“What do you want, Eddie?”

“Ma, can you please talk to me?” Eddie pleaded. “I don’t want to just end things like this.”

“Are you willing to get help?”

Eddie sighed and rubbed his temple. “I don’t need help. I need my mother to accept me.”

“I won’t accept something like that, Edward. It’s _sick_. You’ll bring AIDS into this house, when you _know_ how sick your mother is, how sick _you_ already have been.”

Eddie blinked as his eyes stung hot with tears. “So that’s it then?”

“Unless you’re going to come to your senses, Eddie.”

“You know what, Ma? I think I finally have.”

He hung up then, curling up on the couch by himself and allowing himself to cry while he waited for Richie to come home from the radio station and take him to go see Star Wars. It was strange that having Richie’s support, even in his absence, was able to help Eddie self-sooth while he sat alone in the apartment with Mina on his lap purring contently (she always seemed to know when he needed affection from her) and distracted himself with a William Denbrough book. As tempted as he was, he didn’t take any of his pills. In fact, he flushed whatever was left of them and tossed the bottles out. In a more stable life they might have been useful medications, but Eddie’s personality was far too addictive for such methods.

Watching the new Star Wars movie with Richie, with all its ups and downs, the cool fights and the dumb prequel nonsense, really transported Eddie back to a feeling of carefree adolescence. He couldn’t tell you the name of the place, but he felt like he was back at an old theater, sharing popcorn with Richie while he tried not to let their hands touch too much. Except tonight, Eddie let his hand stay in Richie’s in the darkness of the theater. Eddie quite enjoyed himself, even if Richie insisted the movie sucked.

“To be fair, at least it wasn’t as bad as Return of the Jedi.”

“What?” Eddie gasped. “You _don’t_ like Return of the Jedi? Are you insane?”

“Han Solo should’ve died in Empire, Eddie. They turned him into a pointless buffoon and ruined his character arc. I stand by that.”

Since Eddie had off on Friday, Richie offered to take him to his stand-up at Free Spirits and actually listen to his jokes while he hung out with Heather at the bar. There was something off about the way Richie told his jokes on stage. For the most part, they were quite funny, and the audience sure seemed to like them, but they didn’t seem quite like… Richie. It was hard to place a reason why until Eddie realized it was because they weren’t genuine. Richie was hiding behind some kind of façade to hide something that only Eddie seemed to know. So as funny as the jokes could’ve been, they mostly made Eddie sad.

Richie didn’t seem to mind Eddie’s excessive showers, figuring Eddie was still a bit of a germophobe and spent the time scrubbing himself raw. However, Eddie also found himself doing… other things in Richie’s shower. Since he and Richie had not been as intimate as Eddie was craving, he always ended up touching himself in Richie’s shower and was really starting to get the hang of figuring out his prostate. But on this night, after they returned from Free Spirits, as Eddie had shamelessly been fingering himself under the hot water, Richie had decided to come in and join him.

“Richie!” Eddie spat, feeling his face blush all the way down to his chest. “What the hell?”

“Holy shit,” Richie laughed. “Is _this_ why you take so long in the shower and waste all my hot water?”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie muttered bashfully. Richie didn’t seem all too upset, though, grinning at Eddie as he started to undress. “Are you coming in here? I can finish up, just give me a minute.”

“No, please stay,” Richie said, opening the glass door and stepping in next to Eddie under the steam. He was smiling down at him and Eddie didn’t feel so quite embarrassed anymore. “You want some help?”

Eddie smiled back up at him shyly. “Yes, please.”

Their kissing started off slow, but Eddie was so horny already that they quickly became frenzied, Eddie pulling Richie back so he was pressing him against the shower wall. Richie’s large hand wrapped around both of their cocks, stroking them together, which Eddie couldn’t believe he had never _thought_ of before, because it was so hot feeling them against each other like that. He let one of his legs slide out a bit and guided Richie’s other hand down between his legs, where he was already slick and open.

“Jesus sweetheart,” Richie gasped, feeling into Eddie’s hole easily, making Eddie whimper. “You’ve been getting yourself all worked up in here, huh?”

“I just keep thinking about you,” Eddie breathed. “I want you so bad Rich.”

“Here,” Richie said

He started sliding out just enough to take Eddie’s hand back and ease two of Eddie’s own fingers back into himself with two of Richie’s. Eddie gasped at the sensation inside of him, feeling their fingers gliding together and opening him up. Eddie knew that’s what Richie was doing, making sure he’d be ready for Richie’s cock without any discomfort or pain, because Richie wasn’t as focused on getting Eddie off right now as he was just feeling him and making sure it felt all right to stretch out.

“I gotta say,” Richie breathed into Eddie’s hair. “This is the sexiest way I’ve ever held someone’s hand.”

“Richie,” Eddie whined. “Can we – can we please…?”

“Of course, baby,” Richie said, pulling both of his hands up and grabbing Eddie’s waist to kiss him fiercely.

After they got out of the shower, Richie asked Eddie if he could be on top; he wanted to make sure Eddie was calling all the shots and only doing what felt comfortable. To make it easier, Richie sat up and leaned up against the headboard so Eddie could easily hold onto him. They were both still wet and slick from the shower, plus Richie had made sure to put on a condom and add extra lube to make Eddie’s first time as easy as possible. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when the tip of Richie’s cock slid in so goddamn easily that Eddie yelped. He didn’t yelp because it hurt or was uncomfortable, but because this was just _new_.

“Easy, Eds!” Richie said, grabbing Eddie’s hips to keep him from sliding down further and hurt himself.

“I’m ok!” Eddie gasped. “It’s just – it’s very different.”

“You don’t say?” Richie chuckled, relaxing a little once he realized Eddie was ok. “Go slow. Take your time.”

Eddie tried to do that, trying to balance himself there on Richie’s lap without falling over like an idiot, gripping Richie’s shoulder while he moved his body up and down. He was trying to go slow so he did not overwhelm himself, but he so desperately wanted to just bounce up and down roughly while Richie stared up at him like an enraptured artist watching his muse. His hands slide up and down Eddie’s back and their chests pressed together as Eddie leaned forward, and it felt like Richie was _everywhere_ , inside and out, all over his skin and so deep within him. He was consuming Richie whole and it felt so goddamn euphoric.

“Rich,” Eddie whimpered. “I wanna come. I wanna come on your cock, but I can’t – I can’t move the right way.”

“You want me to make you come, baby?” Richie uttered so smoothly it was like velvet in Eddie’s ears.

“ _Please_ ,” Eddie begged.

“Hold onto my shoulders,” Richie instructed, shifting his body up and pulling Eddie’s thighs closer. Eddie obeyed and wrapped his arms around Richie tight while Richie held Eddie up with an arm around his waist before starting to shift his hips up and down, fucking up into Eddie in a way Eddie couldn’t have accomplished himself yet.

All embarrassment left him as he stared back into Richie’s eyes, feeling Richie’s cock glide in and out of his body and pushing against that good, hot pressure that was building in Eddie’s belly. Eddie wasn’t even trying to quiet himself, whining and moaning at all the sensations running through him until he reached a hand up into Richie’s hair to ground himself as he finally felt his orgasm roll into him, only magnified by how Richie kept looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world as Eddie’s cock spilled onto their bellies.

His body collapsed into Richie, little whimpers still escaping him as Richie chased his orgasm and came shortly after, shuddering under Eddie’s weight. He squeezed Eddie tight and held him there firmly, just in case it was a dream that would disappear from his grasp.

Part of him wondered if he’d ever make anyone feel this good, but he doubts it. His skin was on fire, with pleasant tingles running up his spine as Richie stroked his back.

“That was… wow, Rich.”

Richie chuckled once under Eddie’s cheek on his shoulder. “Now you know why your mom was so addicted to my dick.”

Eddie groaned, lifting his head up and smacking Richie slightly on the chest. “What the hell, Richie? You’re ruining the moment.”

“I’m sorry,” Richie beamed up at him, reaching a hand up to thumb his chin. “I can’t help myself sometimes. I’m a clown.”

Eddie felt like Richie had managed to fuck all the energy out of him, lazily rolling over and content with just falling asleep immediately. He kept his eyes closed as Richie cleaned up, tossing out the condom and throwing a washcloth at Eddie on the bed to wipe all the wetness and lube out from between his legs and the cum from their bellies. They slept together, curled up and warm and in utter content.

As the days went on, and they went to work almost as usual, and ate dinner almost as usual, and met each other’s friends and acquaintances, Eddie couldn’t help but notice how ravenous he was becoming once the two of them were alone together. He practically demanded Richie do anything he desired to Eddie and open his mind to new things and managed to fuck on every surface of Richie’s apartment. Eddie had so many years to make up for and found himself asking Richie a lot, “What can we do next?” and “Can we do that again?” even while Richie panted in exhaustion next to him, completely spent. One of his favorites was reaching back to grab Richie’s cock while he spooned Eddie from behind, and letting Richie fuck him roughly like that while Richie pressed a hand over his mouth so they didn’t wake any neighbors… again.

One day he found himself at the back end of the bed. Richie had shackled Eddie’s wrists in harnesses on his thighs, keeping his arms pinned at his sides as he lay on his back with Richie fucking him from above. It was strangely liberating, not being able to do anything and trusting Richie to do whatever he wanted to him, and feeling such strong pleasure being thrust into him by Richie’s cock. Richie was letting him be loud, whimpering and moaning with each stroke of Richie’s hips pounding into him, the apartment echoing with the sound of their skin slapping together. Richie had just one request before they started, asking Eddie to let him know –

“Richie!” Eddie gasped, feeling his hair bouncing against his forehead. “I’m – _fuck_ – I’m getting close, I’m gonna come!”

Eddie yelped, not expecting Richie to scoot him further back until Eddie’s head hung back over the end of the bed, feeling all the blood rush to his brain. He felt Richie push his thighs forward, pressing his knees into his chest and getting deeper as he fucked him, one of his hands wrapping around Eddie’s legs to keep him steady while his other reached down and grabbed Eddie’s throat. Eddie’s fists balled up in the cuffs against his harness, pulling tightly trying to initially fight back the feeling of being choked as Richie’s fingers squeezed around him, speaking from somewhere above him, “Come for me baby, come for me Eds – ”

Suddenly those familiar rolling pleasure hit him, and just as his body relaxed with the orgasm and Richie let go, that pleasure rushed into his head like a tidal wave, crackling around his body like little fireworks. Lifting his head up again after that was like a second mini-orgasm as the blood rushed back down to his body, all ticklish and raw and he practically passed out.

This time, Richie didn’t just cuddle Eddie, but wrapped him up in a fleece blanket and scooped him up and carried him over to the couch. He had already brewed hot water for some tea and poured Eddie a mug to sip on while he sat on the sofa, leaning back against the arm rest with his legs stretched over Richie’s lap.

“Is there anything else you need?” Richie asked softly, stroking Eddie’s cheek.

“I don’t think so,” Eddie said hoarsely, taking a sip of his drink; green tea with lemon. “Thanks for all this.”

“You’re welcome, my little love.”

“Why are you being all… extra cuddly?”

“Well, it’s good to offer… after care after rough stuff like that. Keeps the oxytocin up, makes sure you’re feeling ok after what we did.”

“I really liked what we did. Why do I need after care?”

“It’s still important,” Richie shrugged, taking Eddie’s hand that wasn’t holding his tea. “I just want you to feel safe.”

“I always do with you,” Eddie smiled up at him before sitting forward and leaning his head down to snuggle closer to Richie.

This was perfect, just resting here curled up like this. Eddie still felt crushed by his mother’s resentment and was paranoid about what could turn up with Myra, should her rage awaken again, but he could no longer imagine anywhere safer and more wonderful than here with Richie, wrapped up in his arms.

There was just that small thing, that thing itching at the back of both of their minds, something lost that they had forgotten and found before losing it again. Even in the dark and forgotten parts of their mind, it taunted them and stretched for the surface. Neither of them paid mind to it, thinking that if it was as important as it felt, it would come up again. They hoped it wouldn’t, not wanting to burst their happy little bubble that they were making for themselves now. But that thing was written down on a notepad Richie had left somewhere at his desk, just waiting to be found again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we guess what that is? Hmm...


	7. The Night They Called Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After receiving disturbing news, Richie and Eddie begin to investigate parts of their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and welcome back! I loved seeing so many fresh names pop up and love all the comment's y'all leave. You're all too kind. I hope all you Loser's Club lovers enjoy this chapter!

Cold was at its worst when it started from the inside; it was bitter, biting, and fast, constricting ones insides like a starving boa. No storm amounted to the cold chill that grief swept through your bones. People could try all they might, but describing such a pain was beyond human expression; it was something you had to _feel_ to understand. One might not even know what they’re feeling, even as it crystallizes inside of them, a cold wound beginning to fester. Weeks before he could really process it, that wound began to settle inside of Eddie Kaspbrak.

“Mr. Kaspbrak? Are you still there?”

“Yes,” Eddie blurted out after a few seconds of silence. “You should definitely do that. Call her sister. I don’t… have any more interest in the matter. Thank you for your time.”

“Mr. Kasp – ?”

Eddie snapped his phone shut.

“Why are things cooked in wine so goddamn good?” Richie moaned as he bit into a meatball drenched in a Merlot sauce.

“I don’t know. It must be the sweetness.”

“What’s wrong?” Richie asked, sensing the sudden flatness in Eddie’s tone.

Eddie didn’t even realize Mina was trying to lick the food on the plate resting on his lap until Richie gently pushed her away off the couch.

“Nothing. Just, uh… my mom died last night.”

Eddie could practically feel Richie’s entire weight sink into the couch next to him, as if he had been holding himself lightly just a moment before.

“Jesus, Eddie, are you… are you ok?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie answered honestly. Richie placed his plate on the coffee table and moved Eddie’s off of his lap to place it besides his own, scooting close to him as Eddie spoke. “I honestly don’t know what or how to feel. I don’t really feel anything.”

“That’s ok,” Richie assured him immediately. “You don’t have to have an answer right now. Do you need anything? I can call my parents and cancel our trip.”

A moment of silence passed before Eddie spoke, because he knew there were things he needed to do, but he had no interest in cancelling their trip to Boston, utilizing time off of work he was originally going to allocate to his wedding with Myra. “No, don’t cancel anything. We’ll still go. I’ve wanted to see your parents again like crazy. But I should go back to the house. Get some of my stuff. My aunt Irene will probably deal with all of the… final arrangements and stuff. I don’t know if I’ll even want to go to the… to the funeral.” For the first time since he was likely a small child, Eddie got a cold chill at the memory of seeing his father in his casket, remembering the tears welling up in his eyes as his tiny fists clung to his mother’s pearl necklace. He wasn’t sure if he processed death well then, as he was barely six, but he knew it was the last time he would be seeing his father, and he did not look like he was sleeping. He looked, although Eddie could not think of a word at the time, simply _dead_. It haunted him for years. He’d never been to a funeral since.

“Sure, sweetheart,” Richie assured him soothingly.” We’ll visit your place tomorrow, first thing in the morning.”

Nothing had made Eddie happier in his life than this simple domestic bliss he found himself in these last few weeks. He loved that when it was too hot in the apartment to cuddle, Richie would still tangle their ankles together in the bed. He loved how the two of them could settle into silence and enjoy each other’s company just for the sake of company while they did various other things. He loved how homely Richie was, how it felt to be able to really laugh at Richie’s silly jokes without the burning need to hide his amusement or love for him. They really loved each other wholly and completely without either of them being less of themselves for the sake of the other. But he still felt the subtle hesitation from Richie when more permanent plans they had spoken about came close to a reality. So it didn’t surprise him when Richie was hyper-talkative with anxiety and nerves the entire way to Eddie’s home in Manhattan. Eddie found that he was brave enough now to rest a hand on Richie’s knee.

“Rich,” he said gently, interrupting Richie in the middle of a rant Eddie was only half-listening to. Richie’s mouth shut right away. “You know I don’t want to keep that place, right? I’d rather leave it behind and find a place of our own, some place not tainted with memories of my mom.”

This didn’t seem to calm Richie down whatsoever. “I’m sure you want a fresh start, Eds. I’m just not sure how much of it you’re really going to want with me.”

Eddie frowned up at him. “What the hell are you talking about Richie? What do you think we’ve been planning this whole time?”

Richie shrugged and gave Eddie a small, sad smile. “I don’t know. I’m just waiting for all the newness and childhood crush butterflies to wear out of you. I figured once you came to your senses and realized what you’d be getting out of this relationship you’d finally leave before it embarrassed you too much.”

“Wha – you really think I’d fucking leave you, Richie?”

He just shrugged again. “Everyone else has. And you did already, once.”

“Stop throwing a fucking self-pity party right now,” Eddie snapped, angrier than he intended, but he really was feeling pissed off. “There’s nothing about you that you should be ashamed of, Rich. I mean you’re still an idiot, obviously, or you wouldn’t have just said any of that shit.”

“Really brewing my confidence there, Eds.”

Eddie sighed, leaning his weight over to lean more into Richie and lowering his voice down. “You’re still the same big-hearted sap you were when we were younger, Richie. If anything, you’ve gotten better, if just a bit more jaded, which I can’t blame you for. But all the good stuff about you that I fell in love with just got stronger, and I can actually build a happy life with you. I mean, how much better could it get than being in love with my best friend?”

“Johnny Depp could swoop in here right now and declare his love for you.”

“Fine, I’ll settle for the second best scenario then,” said Eddie, a small laugh huffing from his nose.

He felt Richie’s head lean onto his and Richie’s weight pressing into his own more firmly. “I really hope I can live up to all that, Eds. You’re just so perfect to me I never feel like I can really live up to the potential of the Richie Tozier you see me as.”

“How the fuck am I perfect?” Eddie chuckled.

“Perfect _to me_ ,” Richie clarified. “I’m not saying you’re still not a bratty little pill popper with anger issues, but I still love every little thing about you. Plus, now that we’re really together you actually laugh at my jokes and get all cuddly with me and shit, which is a major bonus. I’m just here to cheer you on with whatever you need to be happier.”

“I guess that’s fair. You’re still a big-mouthed man child and I don’t think I’d change anything about that. You’re still as handsy and inappropriate as always and yet I… love it?”

“God, my parents are gonna love you,” Richie sighed.

It was still hard to think about seeing Richie’s parents again while dealing with these new circumstances. He didn’t want to ruin the good vibes by bringing up his mother’s demise, but it was sure to come up eventually considering it just happened. Though even in the pit of numbness Eddie had been sitting in, the excitement of seeing Maggie and Wentworth was still blossoming. It put a wide smile on Eddies face when Richie had called them to plan the trip out.

“I’m actually bringing someone with me,” Richie had said. “I’m seeing someone and we just started living together.”

And Eddie could hear Maggie on the other line saying, “Ooooh, what’s her name?”

“It’s uh... it’s a he, actually...”

“Oooh, what’s his name?” Maggie replied, not skipping a beat or faltering in enthusiasm.

“Do you remember Eddie Kaspbrak?”

“Eddie...? Eddie... EDDIE SPAGHETTI!” She screamed so loud, Richie had to pull the phone from his ear while she excitably gushed about all she remembered about the little hypochondriac that used to come over her house and raid the snack drawer with her son. She couldn’t be happier, she said. “You two just loved each other so much; it’s so good to hear you’ve found each other again honey. And if you guys are as hot and heavy as me and your dad still are – ”

“Mom, what the fuck?”

Immediate acceptance and love. Something so simple and beautiful, and something Eddie never thought he’d receive in his lifetime. Being loved so unconditionally was both intoxicating and terrifying. Knowing that Maggie had always sensed the thing between Richie and Eddie all along and never batted an eye, now that... that was breathtaking. She had always been so supportive of them both, Wentworth too, really, and thinking back it wasn’t hard to see now the subtle pushes she gave to let them know that whatever they were feeling was ok, all without forcing them out when they weren’t ready, because she knew the dangers it posed in their town.

At the doorsteps now, Eddie felt his hand hesitate trying to grip the key in his pocket, scared of what he might find in his place. The emergency responders had taken the bed out through the double doors, unable to properly remove Sonia and lift her into their own gurney in a timely manner after her heart attack began. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he opened the door, but he did so with caution, as if something was waiting in the corner to catch him off guard.

The strange thing was that it did catch him off guard, the nothingness that he faced. It was just his living room, the same intact living space absent of only his mother. Yet he felt like a stranger, like an intruder stepping into a space he did not belong. Maybe he really didn’t anymore.

Eddie sauntered to the couch and sat in its center, just soaking in the feeling of being here. Richie came over and knelt down, and Eddie absurdly thought he was about to go down on him or something, until Richie simply wrapped his arms around Eddie’s torso, snuggling between his legs there and burying his head into Eddies stomach. Maybe Richie was still afraid of touching the furniture for all the times Sonia had scolded him. But Eddie appreciated the affection of it, reaching around and hugging Richie’s head and planting a kiss at his hairline.

“I definitely don’t want to stay here,” Eddie said after a few minutes holding each other like this. “I have two more months on the lease, but I don’t care.”

“You don’t want to stay just to be close to work while we look for a place?”

“No,” Eddie said firmly. “It just feels too much like her.”

“You feeling ok?”

Eddie took a deep breath, as if self-assessing and wondering if he’d have a sudden epiphany or if he’d be struck by a strong emotion, but nothing changed. “Yeah. I’m ok. I think I just want a few clothes for now and... I don’t know, maybe we can go through some stuff quickly, but I don’t want to linger. I only might be able to take this place in small doses.”

“It’s a good thing you have the lease for a couple months then. Gives us time to go through everything before you can leave it for good. And I’ll help if you need. Would it be weird if we fucked in your bed while we were here?”

“Hmm, a little bit.”

Besides some more clothes, like Eddie had said, there wasn’t really much else Eddie needed. He did take his hair dryer, since Richie didn’t have one, and took some extra time to dump all the pills from the bathroom. Only Eddies Concerta stayed the same, otherwise he already had his non-addictive antidepressants and anxiety medications and didn’t need anything else from his old world here, so he dumped them all but the Tylenol, because he still got wicked terrible stress headaches.

When they were back in Richie’s apartment later on, Eddie felt strangely exhausted, as if he had just spent a whole day and evening out instead of just a couple of hours. He slumped over on the couch immediately, not even bothering to unpack any of the things he brought. All of his energy seemed to be drained.

“Maybe we should contact a lawyer,” Richie was saying from his desk, shuffling through some papers on the disorganized surface space around his laptop.

“Why do I need a lawyer?” Eddie mumbled into the couch cushions.

“Death is messy,” Richie said simply. “If there’s anything in your name that your aunt tries to fight you on…”

“I don’t want it. She can have whatever my mom left.”

“Well, let’s just say we get one as a precaution, yeah? I’m pretty sure I have…”

Eddie waited for Richie to finish saying whatever he was about to say before he trailed off. Just as he lifted his head to ask Richie what was wrong, Richie had bent over and retched a chunk of vomit into the trash can

“Holy shit, Richie, are you ok?!” Eddie exclaimed, getting up to run over to him.

Richie reached a hand out to keep Eddie back, which he was grateful for the second he smelled the puke and started gagging, glad he could not see it. Richie grabbed some Dunkin’ Donuts napkins that were on his desk to wipe his mouth. In his other hand was a little notepad with something written on it, but Eddie could not see what it said.

“Richie, are you feeling sick? I can get you something. I had to buy a shit ton of medicine for your cabinet since you barely had anything in there except toothpaste. What do you need? Pepto? Dramamine?”

“Eddie, fucking, just chill for a second,” Richie gasped, holding a finger up to ask for ‘a minute.’ “Fuck man, how the fuck…”

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked cautiously, his eyes darting back to the notepad Richie was clinging onto harshly.

“Eddie, I know you have a lot going on right now. But, can you remember one of our conversations from when we first met again? About where we grew up?”

It was there _somewhere_ itching at the back of Eddie’s mind, because they definitely had had this conversation before, but he only drew a blank. “No, not really.”

“Jesus,” Richie muttered. “Why the _fuck_ do we keep forgetting? Do you remember where you grew up, Eddie?”

Another blank. “No. New England somewhere? Somewhere near Boston?”

“That’s where my parents live, Eddie,” Richie said earnestly. “Where did we grow up before you moved to New York?”

Eddie hummed, feeling that ‘m” on the edge of his lips. But if it wasn’t Massachusetts, then it must’ve been –

“Maine, right?”

“Yes,” Richie sighed, relaxing a little, but still looking queasy. He looked back at the notepad. “To be more specific… we grew up in Derry, Maine.”

 _Derry_.

Shit.

“Oh,” Eddie breathed, feeling a wave of nausea overcoming him, his chest constricting, reaching on reflex into his pocket for something that wasn’t there. Then he remembered, he didn’t carry an inhaler; _not anymore_. He used to, though. In _Derry_.

“We keep forgetting,” Richie whispered, sitting down on his desk chair. “I don’t know why, but if we stop thinking about it long enough, it just… it just fucking disappears, man. I don’t understand. I feel like I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone and it’s freaking me the fuck out.”

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel like something I _should_ be remembering, Richie. I have memories of us, and that’s all I want from there, because everything else is making me feel sick.”

“Don’t you want to find out why? Isn’t the hypochondriac in you wondering what disease is causing all these symptoms?”

“If it’s a disease, I don’t want to go near it, Rich,” Eddie said firmly, backing up until he was able to sit back on the couch.

“How do we fix this, then?”

“Do we have to?”

They sat in silent contemplation for a few moments as they digested this feeling, Richie staring down at the little paper as if it would disappear the second he took his eyes off of it.

“We aren’t the only ones from there,” Richie said suddenly. “Do you remember that redhead that came by your office to pick up the purse?”

“Vaguely,” Eddie said, but the thought of that woman sent a strong emotion through him already, and he knew Richie was on to something.

“I thought she looked familiar. I think she must’ve been from there. We must’ve known her. Shit, what was her name? Valerie? Melanie? Beverly!” he exclaimed, snapping his fingers. “That was it!”

“Beverly Marsh,” Eddie said, unsure of how the name came from his mouth. “Yeah, we knew her.”

“Would it be weird if you looked up her number and gave her a call?”

“Probably. But even so, she came in from Chicago. She’s definitely not in New York a whole month later.”

“Shit,” Richie muttered, drumming his fingers on the desk. “Maybe she’d still want to talk to us? We can see if she’s just as clueless as we are. I remember asking my sister when we were talking about his last time, and she didn’t know shit about fuck.”

“There was someone else, too,” Eddie perked up, suddenly remembering. “I drove a guy in my limo about our age; he said he lived in Maine for a little bit. Ben something… Mr. Handsome…”

“Mr. Handsome? Is this someone I have to worry about?”

“No, it’s like a homonym or something. But not. It was like Eddie Spaghetti, but you called him Ben Handsome.”

“Huh. I can’t remember. Wait, uh… shit…”

“Hanscom!” they both said simultaneously.

“That’s right,” said Eddie. “Ben Hanscom. I feel like there’s more, like little fuzzy faceless people in my brain that I can’t name…”

The two of them sat trying to name these people in their heads, find placement of them in their lives back in Derry. Richie continued to stare at the notepad and Eddie gently stroked Mina on his lap, both trying to draw inspiration from people they had seen on the streets or maybe old memories they had together and shared with other people. Then, it was Richie who spoke first.

“Mike. We knew a Mike.”

 _Mike_ , thought Eddie. Gentle, caring, incredibly tenacious _Mike_. The face was becoming clearer as Eddie thought of him and it was bringing a bit of warmth to his chest.

“He was there until the end with me,” Richie continued, a small smile on his face. “When I graduated high school, I think he was all I had left when everyone else had gone.”

“Do you think he’d still be there? I mean… if we were to go back to Derry during our trip north…”

“He could be. Do you really want to go back there? Are you comfortable with that?”

“We can plan to go,” Eddie offered. “We could always change our minds later and head home. How far is it from your parents?”

He watched Richie open his laptop and waited for him to MapQuest the directions.

“Yikes,” said Richie. “It’ll be another three and a half to four hours. It’s pretty far north, up by Bangor. Boston is basically the halfway point. We’ll definitely need to rent the car for longer if we’re going to go up there.”

Richie looked over at Eddie for some confirmation, as though hoping Eddie would keep trying to talk him out of it like he did before. But Eddie was still thinking about his mother, and he was thinking about his dad a little too. He wondered if his dad was buried somewhere up there for Eddie to visit. A little trip down memory lane might do them some good and help Eddie with this grieving process that was obviously stunted.

So they decided to go.

But first, they would need to make a few phone calls.

The Tozier’s could wait; they hadn’t planned on shortening their visit to them, since it was just going to be a weekend trip anyway. But they let them know that they may stop by again on their way back from Maine, which Maggie and Wentworth were totally fine with. Nel would be visiting Boston with them and even said she might want to come to Derry, too, because she was just as weirded out by her lack of memories from the place.

Then, Eddie did some slightly inappropriate digging at some old records at work. There were no personal numbers, so he had to pull the contact information from Ben’s firm and Beverly’s fashion company. Richie agreed to try to reach out to Beverly, while Eddie would call Ben. After going through about five people and being transferred a bunch of times, Eddie finally got him.

“This is Ben, how can I help you?”

“Hi Ben!” Eddie said a little too enthusiastically, his voice all squeaky. Get your shit together Kaspbrak. “Uh, I’m sorry to disturb you at work, but we actually met a bit ago while you were visiting New York. I was, uh, your limo driver, Eddie.”

“Oh yeah. Hey, how are you Eddie?” Ben replied kindly. “Did I leave something behind or something?”

“Fine, and no,” Eddie said. “I just, uh, the reason I’m calling – and I know this is going to sound super weird – is because we actually knew each other a long time ago. We kind of talked about it a little in the car, about growing up in Maine. But we actually both went to the same school. Do you remember living in a town called Derry?”

Eddie could hear Ben’s breath hitch through the speaker and knew immediately that Ben must’ve had a similar visceral reaction that Eddie and Richie had.

“Whoa,” Ben breathed heavily, sounding winded. “That’s… wow, yeah. Derry. Jesus. I… I remember Derry. Not so many good parts, but I remember it. Shit, wait, this isn’t Eddie Kaspbrak, is it?”

“Yeah,” Eddie laughed. “It is.”

“Holy shit. Wow. Shit. Really, how _are_ you Eddie?”

“Could be better. What about you, suddenly built like a fucking soccer player slash fashion model?”

Ben laughed on the other line and Eddie automatically smiled, hearing the same laugh in his head, just without the childish tone from his memories. Eddie could practically see Ben blushing through the phone. Still the same laugh; still the same Ben.

“I don’t know man; I just got sick of being picked on. I cut the calories, hit the gym, and dropped a lot of weight. The only problem is that I never dropped the lame-ass nerd personality that was just _built_ in, so it didn’t always work in my favor. But you looked great, too! I mean, you’ve – you’ve grown, right?”

“Wow, fuck you Ben.”

Just like how it was with Richie, Eddie and Ben just _clicked_ right back to their old groove, completely unfazed by the decade and a half that they had been apart. Their conversation was so smooth and delightful that Eddie almost forgot why he had called in the first place.

“Listen, man,” said Eddie. “I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“What’s that?”

“Would you at all have any interest in… going back soon? Richie and I, we – ”

“Whoa, Trashmouth? You got in contact with Richie?”

“Yeah, you remember him?”

“Of course! Dude probably grew up to be a comedian or something.”

“I’m sure he’d love to hear that,” said Eddie. “But Richie and I, we’re actually going up to Derry soon. I know it’s a long shot, but we’re both kind of… I don’t know, weirded out about not remembering anything and we wanted to go back there and see if it jogs anything up.”

“Aren’t we supposed to go back?”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, suddenly very nervous. His left palm felt tingly.

“We made a promise,” Ben said, his tone serious. “But it wasn’t supposed to happen yet, right? What was it supposed to be…? Come back in…”

“Twenty-seven years,” Eddie finished, remembering. He looked down at his hand where it tingled over a single, long scar on his palm. The blood pact. “Yeah, I remember now. But, I don’t know if I want to wait again. We might forget, and I want to know what happened.”

“Look, I’d love to see you guys again, but I wouldn’t be able to take off work any time soon. I tell you what – I’ll give you my cell phone, and you two can call me when you get back and tell me all about it, ok?”

“Yeah, ok. That’s understandable.”

“How’d you run into Tozier anyway?”

Eddie laughed, rubbing his temple trying to figure out the best starting point for _that_ conversation. He decided to just skip all the horny hook-ups and save that for another conversation. “We’re actually, uh, dating now. We live together.”

“That’s so great!” Ben exclaimed, and Eddie immediately started beaming. “I’m really happy for you guys. You two were all over each other when we were little; it was bound to happen at some point.”

“Jesus, were me and Richie the _only_ people that didn’t think it was fucking obvious we liked each other?” Eddie said now, annoyed that no one pointed this shit out to them.

Ben laughed lowly on the other line. “Maybe it was just the romantic in me. I wanted to see two people in love and happy with each other.”

Ben gave Eddie his number, and Eddie promised to call him when he returned from their Derry trip. His skin was tingling and his brain rang with pleasant nostalgia, snippets of more memories fluttering through his head. Seeing Richie later that day confirmed that it went just as well with Beverly, while he gushed about their conversation and how well she was doing (“Guy she’s with sounds like a real creep, though.”) and how they remembered smoking outside of the school bathroom windows together and learning to Lindy-Hop in the park together for the sake of Eddie and Ben’s amusement. Unfortunately, she would not be able to get out of Chicago anytime soon. At least Richie got her number, and she was thrilled to know they would be getting in touch with her again. As far as the rest of the Loser’s (“Holy shit,” Eddie gasped as Richie reminded him. “How did I forget the Loser’s Club?”), there were a few more complicated steps.

A few days after Eddie received the news about his mother, he sought out a different lawyer than the one Richie was going to recommend. He was an old gentleman named Stanley Lewis and did nothing helpful for Eddie whatsoever but offer condolences. Richie sat behind Eddie in the office for moral support, but his mother had managed to find every way to spite him in her remaining days. It was requested that he only attend the funeral _with his wife_. The real kicker was what remained of her money.

“‘ _I leave everything only to my grandchild, or grandchildren, and all offspring of my son Edward and his_ fucking _wife, Myra.’”_

“Does it really say ‘fucking’ in the will?” Richie chimed in.

“The entire thing might as well be a giant ‘fuck you’ in red letters,” Eddie groaned, throwing the papers out in front of him on the desk. “Jesus Christ. So even if I had a kid, if it’s not Myra’s, they get nothing.”

“Your mother seemed like a real charmer,” old Stanley said. “Ah, my boy! It appears I have no need for you!”

Eddie turned to see a younger man just about to politely knock on the office door, his face turning into a frown.

“I’m sorry?” he asked kindly.

“This young man has no finances to settle,” old Stanley explained. “I’m afraid he is not in need of your financial expertise.”

“Oh. I see.” The man looked a bit annoyed and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I suppose I can go to lunch, since I came all the way down.”

“Do you mind showing us a good place?” Richie asked the younger man. “I could go for some grub.”

“Uh, sure. There’s a – ”

“I’m _really_ bad with directions,” Richie pressed. “Do you mind taking us?”

The man rolled his eyes behind his frameless glasses. “Sure.”

“Thank you again Mr. Lewis,” Eddie said, shaking the older man’s hand. He grabbed his rain jacket, following Richie and the other man out of the office to the elevator’s, but Richie could barely contain himself before whacking him in the shoulder.

“What the _hell_?” he exclaimed, rubbing his shoulder where Richie smacked him.

“Look at you!” Richie gushed, grabbing the small man by the shoulders. “When did you get so handsome? And a wedding ring? Who’s the lucky lady, champ?”

“Who the hell – ” Suddenly, his eyes widened, jaw going slack as comprehension spread on his face. “Ri – Richie _Tozier_?”

“Hi, Stan,” Eddie piped in, grinning at him. Richie’s lawyer was good, but _this_ lawyer had a much more familiar accountant in his building whom they wanted to talk to. And he remembered them so _easily_.

“Eddie?” Stan breathed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Holy shit. How did – ? How are you guys?”

“Just fucking dandy, Stanley,” Richie grinned, pulling Stanley into a hug. “God, how did I know you would pick the nerdiest job humanly possible?”

“Fuck off, Trashmouth,” Stanley laughed, shoving Richie off of him. “I can’t believe I was best friends with you.”

“Why _were_ you best friends with him?” Eddie asked Stanley with a small laugh.

“Because I wore a yarmulke to grade school when he started so the other kids would only make fun of him half as much,” Richie sighed reminiscently. “I think he enjoyed that I always took all the attention off of him.”

“Most of the time,” Stan smiled. “Jesus, how did you two even find me? What brings you to New York?”

“We live here,” Eddie said. “I moved to Queens in ’92, and Richie came here after high school.”

“You were in Queens? Jesus, we might’ve been neighbors and I’d have never known.”

“I’m still trying to process the fact that you’re married, man,” said Richie.

“My lovely Patty,” Stan said, smiling more broadly, his face lighting up in a way only love could accomplish so well. “Our first anniversary is coming up.”

“Shit. She put up with you a whole year already? What, do you have like a huge dick or something?”

“Uh, yeah,” Stanley deadpanned. “No surprise you’re not married.”

“That’s very insensitive, Stanley,” Richie pouted. “One could say that’s quite homophobic of you.”

Stanley’s brow furrowed in confusion, eyes darting between the two of them as Eddie watched the gears turning in his head. “Wait… are you two…?” He looked over at Eddie, who nodded. Then Eddie jumped as Stanley burst into hysterical laughter, nearly doubling over as he clutched his chest.

“Oh wow,” said Eddie. “I didn’t realize how hilarious this was.” He looked up at Richie, who looked absolutely bewildered.

Stanley straightened himself out, wiping a tear from under his eye as he stood up, his laughter finally dying down. He reached a hand out, palm up to Richie. “Twenty bucks, dickhead. I _told_ you he fucking liked you back.”

“Oh shit!” Richie belted, slapping his knee. “I fucking forgot about that.”

“You _told_ Stan?” Eddie asked.

“I told Stan everything,” Richie shrugged, pulling his wallet out. “I mean, I told you everything, too. Just not that.”

“Unbelievable,” Eddie said, shaking his head as Stanley took the two ten dollar bills from Richie.

“Never gets old taking money from you, Rich,” Stanley grinned. “But in all sincerity, I’m really happy for you guys. Hey, if this country starts getting run by actual intelligent human beings, you can give me a call. I’m ordained. I did my friend Ira’s wedding two years ago.”

“Thanks, Stan,” Eddie beamed at him. “Hey, listen… we actually got in touch with Beverly and Ben recently.”

“Are they together, too?”

“They don’t even know each other exist,” said Richie. “They both live in Chicago, but they couldn’t remember each other without some probing. Hell, I was getting Eddie all hot and bothered for a week before we – ”

“Stop,” Stan interrupted, holding his hand up. “No.”

“Fine, prude.”

“What about Bill and Mike?” Stan asked.

“Yeah, about Bill…” Eddie started sadly.

“He’s impossible,” Richie said. “He’s like some weird reclusive author that owns an old cabin in Washington State and works in LA sometimes. We can’t reach him.”

“Shit,” said Stan. “I’m really sorry, Eddie.”

“It’s ok,” Eddie said, feeling a sting in his chest from the yearning of seeing his oldest friend again. “I think we can see Mike again. We’re seeing Richie’s parents in Boston soon and we’re going to take a trip up to Derry.”

Something died in Stanley’s face, as if all light and joy he could experience was snuffed out of him in an instance. He took a step back, staring back and forth between Eddie and Richie as if they had sprouted blood-dripping fangs. His hands were shaking.

“N-no. You can’t – you can’t do that. It’s too soon. You can’t go back there.”

“Stan,” Richie said slowly. “Do you remember something we’re not getting?”

One would think Stanley was having a nervous breakdown, which he very well might’ve been; sweat had immediately began beading at his forehead as he was muttering what sounded like nonsense, staring down at the floor. Eddie strained his ears to listen more closely and only caught the last bit.

“… weren’t supposed to go back yet… It’s still sleeping…”

“Stan!” Richie said more sternly, but Stan snapped.

“No!” he shouted. “I can’t – I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“Stanley – ”

“Stop, stop!” Stanley shouted again, his arms out to keep them both at a distance from him. “I can’t talk about it anymore. Look, here – I’ll give you my cell phone. Go to Derry, do whatever the fuck you need to do, then get back here and never speak about it again. Just forget about it. Then I’ll forget about it, and we can get a fucking beer or something, but I am _not_ talking about Derry! Please, just take my number and go, please!”

Eddie reached out a shaking hand to take the business card in Stanley’s just as he pulled his arm back again as quickly as if it were on a spring.

“Stan, I’m sorry,” Eddie whispered, not knowing what else to say.

Stanley nodded, but he couldn’t seem to look up at either of them. “Just wait until you get back to call. I’ll – it was great to see you guys. I’ll see you soon.”

With that, he turned on his heal and burst through the stairwell door, his quick footsteps echoing against the concrete before the door snapped shut behind him.

“That went… well,” said Richie.

“Jesus,” Eddie muttered, turning back to see Richie looking as terrified as he felt. “What the hell are we forgetting?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else wish the movies talked about how much of a big-dicked 'make his wife come 10 times a night' sex maniac Stanley was in the books? No? Just me? Ok.


	8. The Day They Went to Derry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Eddie and Richie to enter into the old, fucked up world of their childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi hi, thank you all for your love and support. 
> 
> This chapter may be super triggering, so please for the love of god take all tags and TW seriously. 
> 
> For a light explanation of some TW: some characters learning about and not quite understanding the intricacies of a transitioning person (but are still supportive, nothing purposefully transphobic) (I also realize every transperson has a completely different experience, so what is read here may not reflect what is familiar to the reader); horrible but non-explicit childhood memories: see tags for this if you want to guess what they might be before reading. Problematic parent-child relationships.
> 
> Anyhoo, here it is, y'all: Derry.

Only twenty minutes had gone by before Eddie realized Richie should never be allowed to drive a car again in his entire life. The entirety of that time was spent with Eddie yelling at Richie from the passenger’s seat and trying to stop himself from having a panic attack (and failing). Once Richie had pulled over, given Eddie a few minutes to breathe, Eddie was ready to hop in the driver’s seat and finally get going with great relief that he could yell at the driver’s that weren’t in the same car as him.

They were able to pick Thor up to take him along, and he happily sat in the back on a throw blanket and his toys, particularly fond of a stuffed Chewbacca that Eddie had bought him for the occasion.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie said soon after entering Connecticut. “There’s something I gotta tell you before we get there.”

“Uh, ok,” Eddie replied, sensing great caution in Richie’s voice.

“So, you remember me talking about my sister, right?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, while you were at work yesterday I had a long talk with Nel. And, uh, there’s been something that Nel had been afraid to tell us until I came out to my parents a couple weeks ago.”

“Is – is she gay?”

“No – well, maybe. That’s an entirely different conversation. But, ok, so a while ago Nel started… presenting differently. Nothing else was really different about Nel other than that. And we were talking about it last night and the reason for all that is because Nel is actually my brother.”

“What?” Eddie laughed, looking over at Richie, who did not look amused.

“I know it’s probably really weird for you, especially when you don’t remember Nel that well. But sh – _he_ explained it in a way that kind of made sense, like that he was born in the wrong kind of body. So recently, apparently, Nel started, uh… transitioning?”

“So, she’s a transsexual?” Eddie asked.

“He,” Richie corrected. “And I don’t know if that’s the right word for it. I mean, he’s just Nel. That’s all we should care about.”

“Sorry,” Eddie said sheepishly.

“It’s ok. It’s new. Well, not new to Nel, but it’s new to us. He actually got his name changed and approval from his school so his doctorate has his name on there, all official.”

“That’s cool. So what’s his name going to be, just Nel?”

“I sure as shit hope so, because no brother of mine is going to be named _Nelson._ Awful. I’ll be supportive of any other changes besides that.”

Despite three coffees, Richie still managed to fall asleep for the last remaining hour of their trip. Eddie did not realize how much the talking was calming him until it had stopped altogether, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He tried talking to Thor for his own amusement and turned the music up enough to drown them out without disturbing Richie, but his nerves just bottled up until they finally approached a small clay-colored colonial with maroon window panels.

A thin, young man was outside with a little terrier sniffing around the bushes, and Eddie figured that it was Nel. He stood outside shirtless in the scorching July heat and Eddie could see fairly fresh scars on his chest where he must have received surgery. Eddie wasn’t one to go shirtless often himself, but he supposed if you spent your entirely life with society telling you it was indecent to take your shirt off, he’d take that shit off the second he was able to. He had a hard time remembering what Nel had looked like when they were younger, but now he very much looked like a shrunken down version of Richie with a shorter haircut, nearly buzzed all the way to the scalp on the sides.

“Richie,” Eddie said, patting him on the leg. “We’re here.”

Richie was starting to wake up slowly until Thor started barking over his shoulder at the sight of Nel waving at them, making Richie startle fully awake immediately.

“Shit, buddy, calm down,” Richie grumbled, rubbing Thor’s jowls over the shoulder of the seat. “He’s so excited to see everyone,” he said to Eddie.

“I am, too,” Eddie said, smiling over at him as he pulled into the driveway.

Nel ran over to the driver’s side of the car and pulled Eddie into a tight, air-restricting hug the second he got out of his seat.

“Eddie, I missed you!”

“Wait, you did?” Eddie managed to huff out as all the air was squeezed from his lungs. Of course Nel was taller than him, because all the Tozier boys were fucking giants.

“Well, I didn’t realize I did until Richie mentioned you again, which was weird, but I’m so happy you’re here!” he said enthusiastically, pulling back to smile down at Eddie.

“Uh, hello?” Richie called over the roof of the car. “Are you forgetting your brother and furry nephew?”

“Of course I missed Thor!” Nel squealed, running over to show the lovable beast some affection while his small terrier looked on apprehensively from the lawn.

“Wow, rude,” Richie said, punching Nel in the shoulder. “Over the phone it’s just been sounding like you had allergies, but…?”

“Nah, it’s the T,” Nel said proudly. “Starting to get my big boy voice. Maybe soon my balls will drop.”

Maggie proved to be even more enthusiastic about Eddie’s reemergence in her life than she was on the phone. Between her, Nel, and Wentworth, Eddie was pretty sure his spine would be broken by the end of the day.

“Eddie you grew up so much,” Maggie cried when she saw him, grabbing his face affectionately.

“No, he hasn’t!” Richie said while he dropped his duffle bag on the floor.

“Excuse me,” Eddie scowled. “I’ll have you know I grew an entire inch after I moved to Queens and I am proud of that.”

“Inches matter, Richie,” Nel teased. “As someone who lacks them where they count, you should know that.”

“Eddie would beg to differ,” Richie threw back.

“Can we not?” Eddie begged them, blushing furiously while Maggie continued hugging him again.

The Tozier children resembled Wentworth almost identically. He was even taller than Richie, lanky, dark haired, and dark-eyed behind frameless lenses. They both had his sharp jaw line, but a lot of Maggie’s sweet and softer features shown in their faces, despite her opposing appearance, being very short in comparison with blonde hair and blue eyes. Wentworth also had scar on the side of his face that Eddie could remember thinking was ‘so cool’ when he was younger, but only learned on this trip that it was from his abusive father.

“In a weird way, it made him the best father ever,” Richie was telling Eddie. “He swore he’d never lay on hand on us because of how his dad was.”

All of their furniture was very new and modern, their décor likely nothing close to what it had been in Derry, but the loving and homey atmosphere was still the same as Eddie could remember.

“So you’re going back there, huh?” Nel asked them over dinner.

“Thinking about that place gives me the creeps,” Wentworth muttered, his face slightly twisted. “I don’t remember why we stayed there so long, but I’m sure glad to be out of there. I’d much rather forget about it again.”

“Do you mind if I come with you?” Nel continued, leaning forward on the table towards Richie across from him.

“Wait, really?” Eddie asked.

“What do you need to see in Derry?” Richie inquired.

“Just – you know – just wanted to see if anyone was still around.”

“Like who?” Richie pressed.

Nel muttered something Eddie could not hear, and Richie let out a sharp laugh.

“Mike? Holy shit, I can’t believe you want to see your old flame again.”

“Wait, what?” Eddie blurted out.

“It was after you left,” Nel explained. “Richie and I started hanging out a lot more together when I started high school with him, and Mike was always around and it just sort of… happened. Besides, don’t be a hypocrite, Richie. You and Eddie moved in together _immediately_ after over a fucking decade.”

“You guys were together almost 2 years,” Maggie mused about Nel and Mike. “That’s too long a time not to feel some strong sort of way towards someone.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Richie asked Nel cautiously.

Nel shrugged. “Mike was an ass man, anyway,” he said, causing Eddie and Wentworth to choke up on their drinks.

“Good to know.”

In preparation for the trip, Richie had obsessively written ‘Don’t forget! Derry, Maine!’ on dozens and dozens of post-it notes. They were all over the car, on their luggage, in Eddie’s planner, and now he was placing them all over the headboard of the bed in the guest room and the bathroom mirror. From a stranger’s perspective, it might have looked a little mad, but Eddie understood the necessities of it, making sure they would not forget again. Eddie found himself muttering their friend’s names from time to time, also assuring himself that he wouldn’t forget about surely the only good part of their hometown.

_Ben. Beverly. Mike. Bill. Stanley._

Their names became a mantra in his head, saying them over and over and allowing memories to more clearly flow through his head. Occasionally, he’d peak at their numbers in his and Richie’s phones just to remind himself that there was still a bridge to them. There still seemed to be something stunting the core of the memories, some large empty space that Eddie was sure was the basis of their friendship, but he couldn’t place it. He tried not to let it worry him, hoping that whatever it was it wouldn’t be too damaging.

Fireworks had started early, already going off on Saturday night late into the evening while they sat in the backyard, watching Thor play with Nel’s poor, terrified terrier, Roxanne. They would barbeque the following afternoon for Independence Day, and Eddie couldn’t help but feel cheated out of time as it zoomed by quickly. At least it went by pleasantly, because he enjoyed every second he spent here with Richie’s family, who firmly assured him that they were _his_ family, too, now.

“I have two sons that both like men,” Maggie sighed against the glass of her Pina Colada. “I’m never going to get any quality girl time.”

“Sorry, Mama,” Richie pouted at her from where he was lounging, but she smiled lovingly at him in an apologetic way.

“I don’t mean it like that, sweetheart. I couldn’t be happier with how things are. You’re both the best part of my life.”

“ _I’m_ the best part of your life? Jesus, now I’m _really_ sorry, because that’s a bummer.”

The way things were here was the way things should be, in Eddie’s opinion, and he was already looking forward to their trip back around to come home and stop by to see them again. He was very quickly remembering how much of a goofball Wentworth was, but was learning now that he had really became much more enthusiastically funny _because_ of Richie and not the other way around. Raising the little jokester brought out a love for amusement that paired very well with Wentworth’s firm but loving parenting. Richie insisted he would have given up on comedy altogether if it hadn’t been for his parents support and gentle guidance in his youth.

Even knowing they would be coming back and that he would have a lifetime to see them both again, it still made Eddie sad to say goodbye to them Monday morning. Nel shoved himself into the back with Thor and Roxanne, placing the smaller of the two on his lap. Much to Eddie’s annoyance, both of his driving companions fell asleep and were hard to get up until he stopped for gas at the state boarder of New Hampshire and Maine, hoping to fill as much as possible before they hit the long highway. Nel offered to pump and pay since he was, according to Richie, mooching off of their trip, leaving Eddie and Richie in the car sipping on coffees they had purchased at the gas station.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie smirked. “Guess what I brought for the road trip.”

“I don’t know, but should I be terrified?”

“Possibly,” Richie grinned, pulling up his duffle bag. “Do you remember last weekend when you got really drunk and told me you wished you could let me fuck you while sucking me off at the same time?”

“Oh my fucking god,” Eddie groaned, turning his head to say something snippy back, but whatever response he originally had died the second he looked into the side pocket of Richie’s bag. “Richie, what the fuck!? Put that shit away!”

“What?” Richie laughed, completely delighted with himself.

“What the fuck? What the fuck are you going to do with that?”

“Uh, stick it in you, set it to turbo so you can grind into it while I fuck your mouth?” Richie said, as if, _obviously_ that’s the reason he had a fucking remote controlled vibrator in his bag.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” Eddie grumbled, sinking himself down deeper into his seat, feeling sweat building up all over his body. “Why the goddamn fucking shit are you bringing this up right now?”

“Thought it would be funny trying to watch you drive with a boner and my brother in the backseat,” Richie shrugged, still giggling.

Eddie buried his face into his hands, trying to hide as much as himself as possible, but not enough apparently, as Richie leaned over and whispered, “I can still see your hard-on, honey,” before placing a gentle peck on Eddie’s temple.

“Oh my god,” Eddie groaned again, trying to adjust his legs, much annoyed that he was feeling too horny to be properly pissed off that the idea was getting him excited.

“I’m going to take that as a maybe,” Richie said as he shoved his duffle bag back down. “We can get your final verdict when you’re feeling up to it. I promise to take all responses that aren’t an enthusiastic yes as a firm no.”

A beat passed before Eddie mumbled a faint “maybe,” shooting a delightful giggle through Richie beside him. “But for the love of god, Richie, can we save it for home where I know I can clean that thing properly before inserting it anywhere in my body?”

“Fiiiiiiiine.”

Nel kept asking if Eddie needed to turn the AC on higher, which in turn made his face even redder as he drove, until he finally asked Nel to kindly shut the fuck up.

They started passing signs for moose on the way up, and how the fuck could Eddie forget about _moose_ being up here? It was soon Nel’s turn to tell Eddie to quit his yapping, since Richie just very kindly watched Eddie rant on about moose statistics and how they’d likely die if they hit one with the car, all with that dopey _god I love watching you fret about moose related casualties_ face. This somehow segued through three other topics until it led to Richie going off about an anime he wanted to start collecting DVD’s of, and none of them really noticed what was happening until Eddie finally took a turn off the main road. The silence had just settled in when they first laid eyes on it.

 _Welcome to Derry_.

“Aaaaaand I’m going to throw up again,” said Richie.

“Not in the rental,” Eddie said absently, driving slowly down the road. It was overwhelming to say the least, looking around as they entered the town limits. It was as if someone was overlaying his vision with little snippets of film portraying the memories of his past, or as if ghosts of the children they had once been were moving around him.

“I may have made a mistake,” Nel said quietly in the backseat.

“Where should we go?” Eddie asked, coming to a stop sign; his only options were to turn now; left or right.

“You think the arcade is still open?” Riche asked.

Nel smacked his shoulder. “We’re not playing Street Fighter. Let’s go to the library.”

“ _The library?_ ” Richie and Eddie asked simultaneously.

“Just do it.”

Eddie did as he was told, driving and trying to avoid the eyes of the townsfolk they drove by, likely wondering who these new strangers were.

“I don’t very much like this anymore,” Richie said, reaching back to Thor for some comfort.

“You can wait in the car with the dogs while I go in,” Nel offered. “Mike will probably be at the library.”

“I can go with you, Nel,” Eddie said as they pulled up to the library.

It wasn’t a place he’d have chosen to go to when he was younger, certainly not unless he had a book report due for school before the wonderful internet became a thing. Not many fond memories popped into his head as they approached the building and even less of them when they had walked in the mostly empty library.

“Excuse me,” Nel said quite loudly to an older woman shelving books. “Do you know of a Mike?”

“Shh!” the woman shushed immediately, not even bothering to answer Nel’s question.

“Sorry,” Nel said a bit more quietly. “Is there a Mike that comes here often? Tall, black gentleman that takes out a lot of history books?”

“Are you asking about Mr. Hanlon?” the woman asked, seemingly very annoyed.

“Yes,” Nel sighed. “Mike Hanlon. Does he stop by often?”

“I’d think he would if he wanted a paycheck,” the woman grumbled. “He should be in the back.”

Eddie pulled Nel gently by his elbow to lead them down the aisle towards the back of the library.

“So Mikey is a librarian,” Eddie mused quietly.

“That makes sense,” said Nel. “It would be the best job for him if he wanted to stay in Derry. He loved books, history… couldn’t imagine a better place to work in this shithole. No one here reads anyway. Oh shit.”

“What – ?” Eddie began, but stopped as he realized what had made Nel stop in his tracks.

Just ten feet away, looking through some sort of order catalog, was Mike Hanlon himself. He was much taller than Eddie could remember, nearly Richie’s height, broad-shouldered and strong-jawed. He was very much grown up, but still had the same serious and kind face that Eddie could remember. They slowly approached him and Eddie allowed Nel to step forward to make their introductions.

“Sir, I’d like to make a complaint.”

Mike was easily suppressing a deep sigh, very consciously forcing a smile on his face as he looked up from his catalog. Mike’s face was absent of the confusion and startling realization that Eddie was getting used to right now. Instead, his face lit up in pure recognition and joy, a genuine smile spreading on his face.

“Nel!” Mike breathed excitedly. “And... god, Eddie, is that you?”

Eddie was about to speak, but suddenly felt intrusive as Mike and Nel embraced in a way that could only be described as intimate. He stood by awkwardly while Mike hung on to Nel tightly, pulling back again to look down at his face, thumbing Nel’s cheek gently.

“Hi Mikey,” Nel whispered.

“You look amazing,” Mike said softly back. “I can’t believe you’re back here.”

“Should – should I come back?” Eddie asked awkwardly.

“No, no!” Mike said, letting go of Nel to pull Eddie into a hug. And god, he was a damn good hugger. Eddie almost wouldn’t let go when he pulled away again. “It’s so amazing that you guys are here. But, how? I didn’t think anyone would remember until I found you again.”

“The short version is basically me running into Richie again,” Eddie explained. “We reconnected and started reaching out to the others, but no one else was able to make it. Bill was impossible to reach. Stan flat out refused. He said it was too soon.”

Mike deflated slightly, his face etched with worry. “That’s – I mean, that’s ok. He’ll be back when it counts. It’s not time yet.”

“Yeah, about that... what exactly are we waiting for?”

Mike looked around, craning his neck around the two of them to see if anyone was in earshot. “Listen, I can take a short break, just wait for me outside.”

“Sure thing, Mike,” Eddie said, smiling back at him.

Both Mike and Nel were absolutely glowing, and Eddie hoped he didn’t look that desperately stupid in love around Richie, but Eddie didn’t often get what he hoped. He supposed that was fine if he did, anyway. Richie was waiting for them outside the car, holding both dogs on their leashes while they sniffed around the grass.

“Well?”

“He’ll be out in a minute,” Nel said. “He works here now, apparently.”

“Mike the librarian,” Richie mused. “Interesting. Is he still hot? I bet he’ll wear those half-moon glasses he seductively pulls down to tell you your books are overdue.”

“Beep beep, Richie,” said Eddie.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

It was barely any time at all when Mike came out, that same eager grin on his face as he jogged down to their car. Richie nudged Eddie in the ribs and he rolled his eyes. Mike enthusiastically hugged them all, lingering again on Nel before Richie shoved his shoulder playfully.

“Stop trying to get in my brothers pants. We’ve been back for like five minutes.”

“His – ? Right, sorry,” Mike stumbled, looking apologetic.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Nel muttered, leaning back against the car. “I realize I’m not exactly the same person.”

“No, you are,” Mike said kindly, smiling softly. “You’re still Nel. You seem more _you_ than you’ve ever been,” he added, making Nel smile up at him.

“What brought you to the library?” Eddie asked, trying to break away their love-struck gazing.

“Best job I could get in town,” Mike explained, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Plus, it gives me access to all of Derry’s history. What brought you guys back here so soon?”

“So soon?” Richie questioned.

“We don’t know why we forgot each other or the town,” Eddie said to Mike. “And we can’t remember why we had to come back here.”

“Right, uh,” Mike hesitated. “We’ll have to talk about this in more detail somewhere else, when I have more time. Do you guys remember Jade of the Orient? How about we meet there for dinner when I get off. 6 o’clock? In the meantime, why don’t you check into the inn and do some… exploring.”

“Exploring where?”

“Just… wherever you feel you should go. Maybe by your old houses or the clubhouse.”

“Holy shit, the clubhouse,” Richie chortled. “Hey, Eds, maybe we can see if that old hammock holds up?”

Eddie shushed him, but they said their temporary goodbyes to Mike and drove up to the old hotel to get two separate rooms. Nel insisted that he wanted to take a nap and hang out with the dogs in the room while they waited for Mike to get off of work.

“The fuck you need to sleep for?” Richie inquired.

“I’m just overwhelmed, Rich,” Nel sighed from his bed, pulling Roxanne into his lap. “I’d rather just relax and watch the dogs before we go out with Mike.”

“All right. Well, call us if you need anything, ok?”

“I will.”

“So,” Eddie said as they walked outside. “Where do we go first?”

“Not sure,” said Richie. “Any place you had in mind?”

Eddie thought about it and felt a sharp pang in his chest from seemingly nowhere. He pressed his hand over his sternum, as if trying to suppress it and hoped Richie didn’t notice. But it gave him an idea of where he wanted to go.

“Can we walk to my old house?”

“Sure, love,” Richie smiled, placing a small kiss on Eddie’s forehead.

“Careful with that,” Eddie muttered, looking around and seeing that, thankfully, no one was around. “Don’t forget where we are now.”

The heat beat down on them harshly, but it was almost pleasantly triggering, bringing back summer memories of their childhood as they walked the streets of Derry to Eddie’s old house. All of them shared the same themes: Richie teasing Eddie around their friends, Eddie yelling at Richie around their friends, the two of them being more affectionate with each other when alone, and both of them being completely inseparable either way. Eddie could feel them nearing his old home, taking a small shortcut through a wooded area. As they approached the road, Eddie saw across the street a little grassy area beside a fenced-in yard, a familiar sight he came across a lot when he was a small child, but for some reason, stopped walking by after a while…

And as they approached it, a queasy feeling bubbled through Eddie’s stomach and he could feel Richie tense up beside him as the memories of this place flooded in.

“Oh,” Richie breathed. “Shit.”

* * *

“Seven people died, Richie! Can you believe that? No wonder my mom won’t let me get any medicine from over the counter, imagine if you’re laying down because you have a headache and you’re just like ‘Oh, I’ll just take a Tylenol and I’ll feel better’ and then you fucking die?!”

“Eddie, my love,” Richie said, squeezing the smaller boys shoulder. “When was this, ’82? That was five years ago. It hasn’t happened since you said, right?”

“But they don’t even know who did it!” Eddie squeaked. “Some psycho still out there knows he poisoned a bunch of people, or maybe a few psychos! We don’t even know!”

“No eleven year old boy needs to be worrying about poisoned Tylenol,” Richie sighed. Eddie was about to argue again, as always, but Richie stopped short and threw his hand over Eddie’s chest. “Shh! Look!”

“What – ?” Eddie started before Richie slapped a hand over his mouth and hushed him again.

Then Eddie saw it, across from the road outside of the wooded shortcut they always took to get to Eddie’s house, a small altercation on the other side. It was Henry Bowers and Patrick Hockstetter, two older boys from the high school that loved tormenting them and their friends. They were pinning a girl up against the fence, who looked terrified, her red hair in messy strands where it had likely been pulled out of the loose bun on her head. He couldn’t hear what they were saying to her, but she looked absolutely terrified.

“That’s Beverly Marsh,” Richie whispered. “She was in Mr. Harrison’s class with me last year. We have to do something.”

Eddie pulled Richie’s hand off of his face, looking at him in bewilderment. “Are you kidding? We’ll get killed, Rich. Just let them beat her up, she’ll be fine. They beat us up all the time.”

“Eddie,” Richie said very seriously, something _very_ rare for Richie. “That’s a girl. Bad guys do other things to girls when they want to hurt them.”

“Do – do what?” Eddie quavered, knowing that whatever it was Richie was talking about was a _really_ bad thing, even without knowing what it was.

“I’m going to distract them,” said Richie, choosing to ignore Eddie’s question. “You turn around and go the long way home.”

“What? Richie, no, I’m not going to – ”

“Eddie, don’t be stupid,” Richie huffed, shoving Eddie hard enough to make him stumble backwards. “Go home. Like you said, they beat us up all the time. I’ll be fine. I’ll call you later.”

Eddie watched anxiously as Richie suddenly took a running start and pounded towards the two bullies across the street. He looked ridiculously small and scrawny with his oversized shirt and too-short jeans that he had already grown out of since the winter, but Eddie couldn’t help but swell with pride as he watched his friend tackle into Patrick, who had been holding Beverly up against the fence. Eddie gasped as they struggled, unable to hear what they were saying, only able to make out indistinguishable grunts and shouting before Beverly realized what was happening and took off down the road, hopefully towards her home where she would be safe. Eddie was still naïve enough to think all parents did what was best for their children.

But Richie wasn’t safe now, and Eddie couldn’t stand and hide any longer when he saw Patrick kick Richie in the stomach and shove him down into the grass. Something came over Eddie then and he did not realize he was running towards Henry until his tiny body had already jumped up onto his back and started throwing his little fist into the side of Henry’s face and neck from behind.

“Argh – what – get the FUCK off of me you little shit!” Henry screamed, spinning around to throw Eddie off and onto the street.

Eddie miraculously balanced back up on his feet and _spit_ in Henry’s face. “Come and get me you fucking dickhead!”

He turned on his heal, hearing Henry’s feet pounding behind him, knowing that Richie was still going to get his ass pummeled by Patrick, but at least they’d each only be beat up by one bully each. And Patrick wasn’t possibly worse than Henry, right?

His mother never let Eddie participate in gym class, so when he was able to run almost all the way back into town without Henry catching him, he actually had a smile on his face, realizing just how _fast_ his little legs could take him, and just how much he loved the feeling of running and feeling the power ripping through his legs. But Eddie had asthma, and his lungs gave out on him too quickly and he started faltering, and closed his eyes tight in anticipation just when he slowed down enough to hear Henry right behind him until –

BAM!

Henry tackled Eddie down to the ground, shoving his knee into Eddie’s groin painfully while his large hand gripped Eddie’s face.

“You are going to pay for that you little faggot!” he screamed, grabbing Eddie’s right arm and twisting it until Eddie heard a horrible, revolting _snap_!

Eddie saw the bone sticking out of his arm before he could register the pain, startlingly white against Eddie’s tan and freckly skin and scarlet blood dripping down to his elbow. Eddie gasped at the sight, but something stirred inside of him that he couldn’t quite understand, and he realized with absolute bewilderment that – holy shit, this wasn’t _that_ bad.

All the times his mother had fussed about him breaking a bone, and when it finally happened and Eddie was expecting the world to end and it didn’t, he just started _laughing._ Because this was hysterical. _This_ was what his mother was always screaming about? _This_ was the absolute worst thing that could happen to Eddie short of being kidnapped or dying? Compared to all of that, this was just fucking fine!

Even Henry looked disturbed as Eddie just cackled on, rolling on the ground with tears streaming down his eyes from laughing so hard.

“What the fuck…” Henry muttered, getting off of Eddie quickly and backing away slowly. “What is wrong with you, you little fucking freak?”

And Eddie just laughed and laughed and _laughed_ at the absurdity of it all, even as Henry had ran off into town, likely too weirded out by the situation to want to go back and see what kind of weird bullshit Patrick was dealing with. Eddie eventually had to calm himself down, clutching his chest with his good arm as he rolled over and lifted himself up, wiping tears from his cheeks as he stumbled back up the road to where Richie and Patrick might’ve still been.

Truthfully, his arm was starting to hurt worse as he walked back alongside the road, but the pain quickly transitioned to numbness and the bleeding wasn’t so bad, because Eddie pulled gauze out of his fanny pack and pressed it against the opening hard enough to stop it from flowing out. He began approaching the spot that Richie had been before, but it didn’t look like anyone was there. Richie likely went home, or maybe he ended up taking a run for it during the confusion before like Eddie had. Or so Eddie thought, until he made it past the fence and saw Richie’s body curled up in the grass in the fetal position.

“Rich!” Eddie gasped, being careful with his arm as he walked over. “Are you ok?”

Richie’s glasses were tossed beside him, snapped in half and cracked on the glass of the right eye. His clothes and hair were disheveled, fresh bruises starting to form on his face. He didn’t even look up at Eddie when he spoke in a hoarse and low voice.

“You remember what I said about what bad guys do to girls?”

“Y-yeah?”

“They do them to boys, too,” Richie continued in a flat tone, plucking a blade of grass from the ground in front of him. “I didn’t know that.”

“Do… do what, Richie?”

“I guess it could’ve been worse if you didn’t get Bowers away.” Richie’s eyes finally looked up from where they were staring at the ground, his eyelids squinting as he struggled to see. “What’s on your arm?”

“My bone. Henry snapped it.”

“Fuck!” Richie exclaimed, finally sitting up. He grabbed his broken frames, placing them up to his face and holding them steady in front of his eyes to see better. His eyes got wide as saucers behind the thick lenses. “Holy shit, Eds!”

Eddie shrugged. “It’s not as bad as what my mom will probably do when she sees it. She’s going to bug out.”

Eddie wished he could help Richie up, but it was hard enough holding his broken arm up. He watched as Richie brushed himself off and he gasped when he looked down, turning away to hide his embarrassment.

“Richie, uh… your pants.” He waited to hear Richie zip his fly back up and button his jeans before looking back, seeing Richie’s cheeks now burning red. “What did Patrick do to you?”

“How’d you get rid of Bowers?” Richie asked, ignoring Eddie’s question.

“Oh, uh… I don’t know. After he broke my arm I just started… laughing. It must have freaked him out, because he ran off. Sorry I couldn’t get Patrick, too. At least only one of them beat you up.”

Despite whatever Richie had endured here while Eddie was running away, his lips lifted into that goofy Richie grin as he reached forward and pulled Eddie close to him to pinch his cheek. “My little hero!”

“Cut it out!” Eddie squealed, unable to pull away while he was cradling his arm. “I hate it when you do that!”

To his surprise, Richie actually dropped his arms firmly at his sides, the pink flushing back into his cheeks. He shoved the bits of his glasses in his shirt pocket and sheepishly started rubbing his arm. “Sorry. I won’t do that stuff anymore. I shouldn’t be touching you like that when you don’t want me to.”

There was a strange sincerity and fear in his voice that Eddie didn’t like, so Eddie, for once, figured he could offer Richie a _small_ bit of truth to the matter. “Actually, Rich, I… I don’t really mind it so much when you do it. Only you, though.”

Richie looked up at him. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Eddie mumbled. “Just don’t, like, tell anybody I told you that.”

“Thanks, Eds,” Richie said softly.

“And don’t call me Eds, Dick.”

“Oh, please,” Richie scoffed, his body language more appropriate to his normal self. “You love it, don’t lie.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but allowed Richie to help cradle his arm, secretly enjoying the way Richie held him close like this while he walked him home. He just hoped that whatever Patrick did to Richie wasn’t as damaging as what Henry did to his arm.

* * *

“Richie? Are you ok?” Eddie whispered.

“Yeah,” Richie said softly, petting his hand through blades of grass next to him as he sat on the curb. “Weirdly, I’m ok.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you remember what happened?” Richie asked, not looking up.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, his voice thick as tears threatened to build up behind his eyes. “I didn’t – I didn’t understand it back then, but I – I remember.”

Richie nodded. “He didn’t… you know… I mean, he shoved his hand down my front and it – I guess just from him forcing me it gave me a hard-on, so he was just giving me shit about it, calling me a queer and stuff, and then he… made me suck him off,” Richie added, shuddering at the memory of it. “I don’t know if this is sick or not, but that was the first time I realized I liked you like that. Because when he was making fun of me and calling me a faggot and saying how much I was liking it, I kept thinking about you. Is that fucked up?”

Thankfully, Richie’s eyes were dry when he finally looked up at Eddie, making it a lot easier for Eddie not to break down crying himself. “No. I mean, you didn’t like what he was doing to you, none of that was your fault. You even said back then you didn’t realize guys would do that stuff to each other… so I guess you never really thought about me like that until then, because you didn’t realize it was an option. Not that sex and assault are the same thing, obviously. But you get what I mean.”

“You know, I thought somehow if I let a guy fuck me it would make me feel better about all of it,” Richie said. “Like, if I got to pick the guy, it would make it better. I obviously would’ve preferred it have been you, but that option was kind of taken away from me. Now that we’re here, I’m remembering junior prom and me convincing Conner Bowers to come into the bathroom and have sex with me while we were drinking rum-spiked punch. It wasn’t very good. The sex, I mean, not the rum. The sex was just awkward and painful and unpleasant. Rum is always good.”

“Richie, I know you said you’re ok, but… please, if you need anything – ”

“I’ll tell you,” Richie said, finally smiling warmly at him. “I promise.”

They helped each other stand up and slowly sauntered the rest of the way to Eddie’s old house, not really thinking about how they were holding each other the entire way there. No one saw them to bother them, which was a small comfort along with Richie’s arms around him as Eddie snuggled into his side. He wished there was something, anything at all, that he could do for Richie, but he supposed that they both were fighting these repressed traumas their entire adult lives without realizing it. It made him wonder what was waiting for him at his old house.

“Oh,” Eddie breathed as he caught sight of it. “There it is.”

“It looks like it’s abandoned,” Richie said quietly. Eddie could see it now as they got closer, windows boarded up, lawn unkempt, and a strange eerie air that radiated from where the house stood.

“Do we want to try to get in?” Eddie asked, knowing that Richie would already be up for it if Eddie was.

“Let’s do it.”

Eddie could remember a small latch on the back door, a simple hook on a swing that Eddie would be able to get open when he was sneaking back into his house from hanging out with the Loser’s by getting a long stick and reaching up through the doggie door (something Eddie used in argument for them to get an actual dog growing up) and push the hook up out of its hole. The door remained the same as it had been when Eddie left thirteen years ago and they easily managed to find a stick in the backyard long enough to slide it up through the flaps of the doggie door and unhook the lock.

Just like old times.

Something odd happened when Eddie entered the home; a strange sort of warmth blew up in his chest like a hot balloon, and Eddie could feel the pressure unpleasantly expanding and threatening to burst. He could never remember feeling quite like this before, except maybe for the day he had left Richie to move to New York. He couldn’t place what the feeling was exactly as he shuffled around the old house, looking at all the rooms as both harsh and pleasant childhood memories cascaded his mind.

He could see himself trying to climb the kitchen cabinets as a small child to steal one of his mother’s sugary treats when she was sleeping, only to slip off and bruise his elbow. He could remember asking for Richie’s help and raiding the cabinets until Sonia put a stop to the Richie sleepovers around middle school. He ate all of his meals in this kitchen, sat in his seat properly with his back straight against the chair, his tiny legs dangling from the tall chairs and not being able to reach the floor until he reached high school. His eyes stung as he looked in the corner and could see his younger self crying while his mother shouted at him, whacking him harshly with a flyswatter, or a pan, or whatever it was she could get her hands on before threatening him with a dinner of six saltines and lemon water, supposedly because he would suddenly become ‘ill’ after he did something wrong and couldn’t handle a proper meal.

The bathroom now was dark and grimy, but Eddie could remember the pristine white tiles painted with little pink roses he stood on in there as a small boy, standing at his tippy toes to see his teeth in the mirror as he counted the brushstrokes with his toothbrush. One hundred strokes total, every time. He remembered being too old to have his mom still come into the bathroom while he took a bath, telling him how much he looked like his father, stroking his cheek in a way that made his spine want to curl into a ball and cram up into his skull. But he also saw his young self sitting on the toilet crying as his mother cleaned his cuts and bruises, telling him she’d protect him and love him and make sure he’d never get hurt this badly again, as long as he listened to what she told him to do.

There wasn’t a couch in the living room anymore; only a single broken table sat in the otherwise abandoned room, but Eddie could see the old sofa there against the back wall, remembering laying down there when he was sick, or maybe not really sick, but his mother would make him soup and brush through his hair and let him know that she’d always be there to take care of him. And she’d tell him she loved him more than the world and he would tell her he loved her, too. And he meant it. He really fucking meant it.

And it wasn’t until Richie’s hand touched the small of his back and his body let out a sob that Eddie realized how much he was crying, and Richie’s touch had sent a wave of realization through his body. Because as that hot balloon burst through his chest, and that bitter cold bit through his flesh, Eddie understood at once that he was finally feeling his grief. It all collided at once and it was too overwhelming for Eddie to stand, his legs wobbling until Richie helped ease him down to the floor as he sobbed and cried into the empty house.

“I miss her,” Eddie cried, hearing his sobbing voice echo against the empty walls. “Goddamn it, Richie. I fucking miss her so much. I fucking _hate_ her. Why do I miss her so goddamn much?”

In a rare moment, Richie Tozier had nothing to say. Because what was there to say? He could spit at her memory, but it would do nothing to change how Eddie felt about her. Truthfully, Eddie may realize later, he was allowed to feel all of these things at once. Emotions were complicated; he wasn’t a damn goldfish.

Yeah, he hated his mother; but damn it all if he didn’t love her, too. Because Eddie was struck with the absolute damning revelation that he still and maybe always would love his mother because she loved _him_. She abused him and spited him, but he was realizing that love wasn’t a magical thing that would have turned her into a good person. It was almost easier to accept that she did care for him in her own way, even if it was the wrong way, rather than if she hadn’t cared for him at all. In all of her cruelty and insanity, she still loved him. And deep down Eddie realized this, as he sat in his favorite place in the world, locked in the arms of Richie while he cried into his chest… he finally understood that all too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The irony that the chapter that starts with Day instead of Night is so far the most traumatic and sad. Big oof.
> 
> I also apologize for my lack of consistency with how I've been writing memory flashbacks; it all depends on how I want each particular scene to look, so my b if they're at all confusing!


	9. The Night At Jade of the Orient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Richie try fixing an old memory; Mike reminds them of another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter... oi vey!  
> Thank you all again for your support, I can't believe this one is already reaching 1000 hits.
> 
> We're almost there!

Normally, sitting on an old, dusty floor like this would give Eddie the heebie jeebies, but his body was settling into a kind of strange calm after crying for what felt like an hour. He was half-laying down, leaning heavily into Richie’s lap and chest where Richie was petting through his hair comfortingly in the hall across from the bathroom. Eddie knew that it wasn’t over, and the blowback of losing his mother would come and go and wear away only with time. But right now, his body seemed to just be emotionally exhausted.

“You know, she caught me trying to flush my pills once,” Eddie whispered, fingering the fabric of Richie’s jeans where they were fraying, Richie’s legs laying flat in front of him with his feet pressed against the opposite wall. “I tried cheeking them for a bit until she realized I was spitting them out, so one day I decided to throw them up and flush them. But she walked in right when I was sticking my finger down my throat and caught me throwing up. She made me pick them right out of toilet and swallow them. I almost puked all over again. I was just crying and shaking and asking her not to make me do it, but she wouldn’t hold up.”

“I think I remember you telling me that,” Richie whispered from above him. “I was waiting alone in the clubhouse for Stan to come help me with a paper I had to write when you came in. I got you to stop crying by the time Stan showed up.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, remembering now. “I ran away when she went to take a shower and wanted to be alone. Finding you was much better though. Why didn’t you ask me to help you with your paper?” Eddie frowned, slightly offended that Richie may have thought Stan would’ve done a better job than him.

“Because you would have just made me write the whole damn thing by myself. Stan has excellent penmanship. He could’ve forged just about anyone’s handwriting for the right amount of cash.”

Eddie huffed, a small breathy laugh through his nose as he pushed himself up to look at Richie. “Do you want to go there?”

“Go where?”

“The clubhouse,” said Eddie. “I’m sure we can find it again.”

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Richie asked, reaching up to brush his hand through Eddie’s hair.

“Yeah, of course.”

Eddie leaned forward to kiss Richie softly, cupping his stubbly cheek in the palm of his hand before forcing himself up on his feet. He helped Richie up, both of them brushing dust off of themselves and left out through the back door from which they came.

“You want to look at your old bedroom?” Richie suggested, throwing his thumb back behind him.

“And bring back all the memories of me silently crying while I tried not to think about you as I jerked off? No thanks.”

There were a few regrets along the way, particularly when Eddie made Richie stop so he could take his shoes and socks off and walk through a river down at the barrens, or when Eddie got himself caught in a web he _swore_ he saw a black widow on. Finally, somewhere in an opening in the woods, they both stopped to look around, trying to find the hatch in the ground.

“Be careful,” Eddie said as he treaded lightly through the clearing. “Don’t fall through the hatch.”

“Here it is!” Richie exclaimed from a few feet behind him, pressing his foot down into what sounded like a wooden plank. He reached down and threw the hatch open, dust and debris flying up into the air. “After you, my little love.”

“At least there’s all good memories down here,” Eddie muttered, as he apprehensively took Richie’s hand to help lower himself down, praying to whatever god could exist that none of the steps on the ladder snapped under all his weight. The ground was quite soft beneath his feet compared to the sun-baked hardened ground above them from the summer heat. Down here the air was all cool. Eddie was about to reach out and help Richie down, but he became distracted by all the belongings that were left around the small space.

A few movie posters from horror movies were hung up on the boards, and stacks of old comic books were scattered around the place. Various flora had sprouted and grown at random through the corners and spaces between the boards holding the walls together. Eddie lifted an old tarp to see it was covering a fairly clean beanbag chair that had been protected from dirt and debris. He looked around and could see the space where the hammock once hung, but it appeared to be torn off, bits of broken wood on the ground with the fabric.

“Oh,” Richie said as he came down, seeing Eddie staring down at the mess. “I may have broken it after you left. I didn’t deal with the rejection too well and kicked the thing down in a crying fit.”

“I’m sorry, Richie,” Eddie said softly, looking up at him.

Richie shrugged, still looking at him with a small smile on his face. “It’s just one not so good memory. The rest down here were great. Besides, you’re stuck with me now.”

Eddie chuckled. “I guess I am. Wait… I have an idea.”

“What?”

Eddie took Richie’s hips to guide him over, moving him to stand against one of the wooden pillars in front of the ladder.

“You were standing right there, lighting a cigarette.”

“Standing here when?” Richie asked.

“Our last day in here,” Eddie explained. “You were leaning back against it when I came down the ladder.”

Richie looked confused as Eddie just stared at him until it clicked and he said a little “Oh!” and took his cigarettes out with his lighter. He cautiously leaned back against the old pillar, still apparently stable enough to hold his weight, and lit the tip of the cigarette before taking long drag.

“And I stopped here,” Eddie said, moving to a place near the ladder. “And I started berating you about smoking in the clubhouse, which I should be doing right now since you’re supposed to be quitting.”

“You just told me to light the damn thing!” Richie exclaimed, his hands thrown out in a wide gesture, the cigarette bouncing where it was jutted between his teeth as he spoke.

“Immersion, Richie!” Eddie teased, smirking a little.

Richie rolled his eyes, but crossed his arms and repeated the words he had said to Eddie back when they were down here almost exactly thirteen years ago. “Eddie my love, you need to live a little. If you can’t handle a little cigarette smoke, New York is gonna eat you alive.”

“And I don’t remember what I said back to you, because I was too enamored by how your lips looked when you were taking a drag and blowing smoke out,” Eddie remembered, smiling softly. “It was so disgusting, but I was obsessed with your hands and how they moved every time you lit one up.”

“Aww, Eddie you had a crush on me?” Richie cooed. “That’s so embarrassing.”

“Quit it, asshole!” Eddie laughed. “I’m trying to get to the good part.”

“The good part?”

“Yeah, the part where you kissed me and we bravely revealed our true feelings to each other and we lived happily ever after,” Eddie said pointedly.

“Right, right, of course,” Richie nodded, pulling the cigarette out of his teeth to hold it between his index and middle finger. He looked at Eddie and somehow managed to convey the same look on his face that he did back then, earnest and loving. “I wanted to give you something before you go.”

“It better be all the money you owe me from buying you ice cream with my allowance for 6 years, Richie,” Eddie teased the repeated line.

He almost felt sixteen again, feeling those little butterflies fluttering around his chest as Richie stood up straight, taking that one step closer to Eddie to take his face in his larger hands and kiss him with that soft yet desirous aching. And this time, Eddie didn’t ruin it, pressing up on his tippy toes, the way he had wanted to but stopped himself from doing back when they were teenagers, kissing Richie back with that same yearning.

Because if Eddie had known the true meaning behind Richie’s actions, and wasn’t so afraid of the world outside of this little hidden secret beneath the dirt, he would’ve reached up like he was doing now, wrapping his arms around Richie’s neck and digging his fingers through his hair as Richie snuck his hands onto Eddie’s waist. They were both so giddy, kissing so clumsily between their soft laughter that it was almost as awkward as it really would’ve been for them had Eddie reciprocated the first time. This was perfect.

“I would’ve had no idea what to do with my tongue,” Eddie laughed lightly against Richie’s lips.

“You’re still a little clumsy with it, to be honest,” Richie teased back.

“Hey!” Eddie shoved his chest lightly. “I’m not that bad!”

“It’s not a bad thing! I find it kind of cute,” Richie said, pulling Eddie closer.

“Ugh, I hate you,” Eddie muttered.

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” Eddie sighed, pulling Richie down by his shirt and kissing him more deeply.

Richie dropped his cigarette, grinding his foot down to put it out so he could pull Eddie up around the waist. Eddie reached his hand down to tug the middle of Richie’s shirt, stepping around and pulling Richie over with him to the beanbag chair. He misjudged the space and fell over gracelessly onto it, a cloud of dust exploding from the base, and Richie fell slowly on top of him.

“You probably wouldn’t have picked the hammock, anyway,” Richie chuckled as they settled more comfortably onto the cushion.

“Are you kidding? There’s no way we would’ve fit on top of each other without that thing snapping.”

Richie pulled back, looking down at Eddie curiously. “Would you have wanted this so soon?”

“What, having sex? Hell yeah. I thought about it, like, every night. I was leaving Derry the next morning. I would’ve wanted to make our last day count.”

Richie reached a hand up to cup Eddie’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb. “Let’s make it count, then.”

He kissed Eddie again almost with ferocity, all breath and teeth and tongue. Eddie moaned and grinded his hips up into Richie as he kissed him back, slightly self-conscious now about how his tongue moved against Richie’s in his mouth, but it helped immerse him more into this playful memory recreation. It also helped that the beanbag was awfully awkward to lie on together, bringing them further into that mindset of adolescence as both of their legs fidgeting around each other while they were dry humping.

Finally, Richie snuck his hand up Eddie’s shirt to help ease it off, so Eddie reached his hands up to let Richie peel it off and throw it somewhere behind him.

“Don’t leave hickeys on my neck,” Eddie breathed as Richie started mouthing at his neck. “My mom will ground me for a month.”

He shivered as he felt Richie’s laugh ghost on his skin. “You’re no fun.”

Richie’s shirt went off next, and then he jimmied Eddie out of his jeans, kissing down his torso, over his boxers and pressing his mouth into Eddie’s inner thighs, which spread easily with Richie’s touch.

“I feel like you wouldn’t have been that confident,” Eddie teased, looking down at him admiringly.

“Nothing to do with confidence,” Richie whispered. “I would’ve had my mouth all over you if you let me.”

“I guess that’s fair _, Christ!_ ” Eddie hissed as Richie bit down harshly into his thigh. He felt Richie start sucking his skin into his teeth, then gently place an apologetic kiss against the sore flesh that was already bruising.

“You said no hickeys on your _neck_ ,” Richie chuckled, biting into another bit of soft skin and making Eddie squirm. He sucked there, too, before placing a gentle kiss over the mark. “I can’t let you leave Derry without a souvenir to take back to New York.”

“Don’t stop,” Eddie breathed, throwing his head back, getting pleasure from both the pain and softness. “Fuck that feels good.”

Eddie writhed and whined in the chair while Richie marked his thighs up until he looked like a fucking Dalmatian, and Eddie was just begging Richie to start fucking him.

“Somehow I feel like this is exactly how you’d be behaving even back then,” Richie laughed, kissing up Eddie’s body back towards his mouth, shimmying out of his own pants as he crawled up. “All bratty and demanding.”

Eddie wanted to protest, but instead let out a moan as Richie pressed their hips together, their cocks hard behind the fabric of their boxers. He felt Richie grin against his lips before biting into his bottom lip and sneaking his hand under Eddie’s ass to leverage his body and grind into him more.

“ _Richie_ ,” Eddie whined. “This isn’t fair. You’re taking too long.”

“I would’ve been savoring my time with you,” Richie whispered, turning his head to the side and nibbling on Eddie’s earlobe. “Aren’t we trying to relive our teen years?”

“Not if you’re going to take a hundred years to fuck me,” Eddie complained, trying to peel Richie’s boxers off, but not quit being able to reach from their angle.

Richie grabbed Eddie’s hands and pulled them back up over his head. “You’re so goddamn insatiable.”

“Richie, _please_.”

He knew that would work, even before Richie let out a low growl from his throat and finally started taking Eddie’s boxers off to let his erection spring out from the waistband. His large hands gripped Eddie’s thighs, lifting them up the press them towards Eddie’s chest. Eddie gasped when Richie spit directly down onto his hole.

“Left the lube in the bag,” Richie explained, starting the finger his spit carefully into Eddie.

“It’s fine,” Eddie said, trying to grind his ass down to encourage Richie’s fingers deeper.

“I don’t have a condom.”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Eddie whined, feeling somewhat needy now. “Please, Richie, just – just fuck me, please!”

He almost gasped again, but it escaped him as another moan while Richie started licking around his own fingers thrusting into Eddie, trying to wet him as much as possible and open him up. In the back of his mind, Eddie knew he was being a little too desperate for his own good, but this was all he had ever wanted back then, and he wanted to take back that moment he left Richie alone here in the clubhouse; make all of their memories down here good and whole again.

“You ready, baby?” Richie finally asked, pulling himself up above Eddie.

Eddie nodded fervently, reaching around Richie’s neck to pull his face down and kiss him again roughly. He didn’t realize Richie had taken his boxers off until Richie reached down and started stroking his own cock, spreading his precum to coat himself before pressing into Eddie. It definitely wasn’t as slick or smooth as it usually was back at home, where Richie usually spent a good time making sure they were lubed up as much as possible, but it didn’t hurt at all as Richie eased into him. Neither of them hesitated to start rocking and grinding together, adjusting now and then as their bodies sank into the old beanbag chair.

“It would be easier if you just turned me over,” Eddie offered, his voice all air as beads of sweat dripped down his cheek.

“You sure sixteen year old Eddie Kaspbrak would’ve been ok with doggy?”

Eddie rolled his eyes, clumsily turning over under Richie and waiting for the weight of the other man to press down into him, pulling his arms up so his upper body was hanging over the edge of the stupid beanbag. He lifted his ass up to Richie, although partially because he didn’t want his dick pressing directly into the dirty fabric under him.

“Fuck,” Richie breathed in Eddie’s ear as he entered into him again, and Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle thinking about how much easier it went in and how tight he must feel to Richie.

“Told you. _Ah._ ” Sixteen year old Eddie _definitely_ would’ve been ok with this, feeling Richie moving deeper at this angle, his large hand wrapped gently around Eddie’s throat to hold him firmly into his chest, mouthing at Eddie’s neck in that way that drove him crazy until Eddie’s legs began trembling under him. “ _Richie –_ Richie, I love you so goddamn much,” he breathed, feeling himself about to come.

Richie kissed his neck, tender and soft compared to how rough his hips were bucking into him from behind. “I love you, too, Eddie – ”

He squeezed Eddie tight and Eddie could feel the shudder roll through Richie’s body as they both came, their voices echoing loudly throughout the dark, small room. Eddie felt his body collapse, ignoring the back of his brain screaming about how dirty the beanbag was. They both laid there for a solid minute just catching their breath before Eddie rolled out from under Richie’s weight to look back into his face.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie panted. “I banged the cute little brunette from my fourth period.”

“Nice,” Eddie chuckled, lifting his hand up to high five Richie, both of them laughing at the stupidity of it. “This… was a much better alternative to my last day.”

Eddie got up first, finally beginning to get disgusted by their dirty surroundings and vowing to take a shower the second they got back to the inn. Richie finished dressing first; taking a moment to look around at all the stuff they left behind here.

“We should leave it all here,” he said. “We can show the other Loser’s when we get a chance to bring them here.”

“You think they’d want to come back? You think _we’d_ want to come back?”

“Don’t we have to? Isn’t that what you and Mike said?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess so. Can’t wait to find out why.” But really, Eddie didn’t want to know and was beginning to dread the dinner tonight, as much as he wanted to see Mike again.

“Whatever the reason, I’m glad I didn’t have to wait another eleven years for you,” Richie sighed, wrapping his long arms around Eddie. “Seriously Eds, you have no idea how happy I am.”

“I think I have an idea,” Eddie laughed softly, kissing the inside of Richie’s palm against the small scar there. “I’ve never been happier, Richie.”

Richie kissed Eddie’s temple softly and helped hoist him up the ladder, careful not to damage the steps beneath their feet. They closed up the hatch door, shuffling some dirt and leaves over it to keep it somewhat hidden and hopefully undisturbed.

“It’ll be nice getting to hang out with everyone else, too,” Eddie said as they trekked back to their hotel. “We can plan trips to Chicago, or have Ben and Beverly visit us. Stan lives so close to us, too, now. I can’t believe he’s been in the city this whole time and I never ran into him.”

“We were living there together, too. Better late than never though, I guess.”

The hot water ran out in the hotel after just a few minutes, so Richie was not very happy when he snuck into the tub with Eddie when he grew too impatient for his turn. Eddie made him stand in the corner shivering while Eddie tried getting all his conditioner out. From all the way in the bathroom, they could hear Nel banging on the door to their room.

“You two fuckheads better hurry up. I don’t want Mikey waiting for us!”

“Ok, times up dude,” Richie grunted, shoving Eddie out of the way. “Jesus Christ, it’s like fucking ice water.”

Eddie took the time to blow-dry his hair while Nel walked the dogs outside and Richie called his neighbor to check in on Mina, feeling both excited to see Mike and dreading whatever conversation Mike needed to have with them at the restaurant. Nel offered to drive, but Eddie insisted he was the only one allowed behind the wheel of any car he would be in from now on.

Eddie doesn’t think he’s been to Jade of the Orient with his mom before. Only a handful of times, he may have been able to come here with Richie and his parents, because he never would’ve been able to come here and try to afford a meal on his own. He doesn’t say anything when Mike and a hostess greet them inside, but he secretly is annoyed because he doesn’t trust any Chinese food outside of New York, except if he were maybe to go straight to China. But the food proves to be not too bad as they start digging into the appetizers, Richie already taking shots with Nel while Eddie keeps a death-grip on his glass of white wine, shaking his head at the two of them.

“Is this a frat party?”

“They’re just having fun,” Mike chuckled. “I’ve got to say, I’ve missed you guys like crazy.”

“We missed you, too Mike,” Richie said after slamming a shot glass down. “For the whole week we remembered who you were.”

“Can I ask you both a question?”

Already knowing what the question was, Eddie already answered. “Yes. We moved in together over a month ago, right after we met up again.”

Mike’s smile grew wider, nodding approvingly between the two of them. “Why did I have a feeling about you two?”

“Because you’re not a fucking idiot, and we were, apparently,” Richie grumbled, making Mike laugh again.

“Shit, well, I’m happy for you both. It’s great seeing how happy you both are.”

Eddie didn’t miss the way Mike’s eyes drifted over to Nel, or the slight blush in Nel’s cheeks when they did so. It was then that Eddie suddenly remembered something, a memory of himself and Bill walking to the drug store together so Eddie could pick up some of his medications.

_“C-can I tell you a s-secret?” Bill said quietly._

_“Of course you can, Bill,” Eddie said firmly. “Why couldn’t you?”_

_“You c-can’t tell anyone. N-not even Richie.”_

_“I promise.”_

_Bill took a deep breath. “So, M-Mike and I, we… we were h-hanging out the other day when you and R-Richie were in d-detention – ”_

_“God, I can’t fucking believe I let him talk me into that,” Eddie groaned. “Why do I let Richie Tozier convince me to do stupid shit like prank the teachers?”_

_Bill rolled his eyes, looking like he wanted to say something about that, but elected to ignore it. “Anyway. S-so, we were hanging out, and I w-was talking to him about – about Beverly. B-but I didn’t mention her name d-directly; I was j-just offhandedly t-talking about how much it s-sucks liking someone you c-can’t be with.”_

_“Uh huh,” Eddie said, feeling himself blush a little bit, still thinking about Richie._

_“And then he – and I s-swear, Eddie, you can’t tell a s-single soul I t-t-told you this – he kissed me.”_

_“What?!” Eddie shouted, stopping in his tracks._

_“Shh!” Bill hushed. “Keep your voice down!”_

_“He_ kissed _you?” Eddie whisper-shouted. “_ Mike? _”_

_“Yes,” Bill said, starting to walk again. “And I f-felt awful, because I didn’t – I mean, I wasn’t m-mad, but I didn’t… I love Mike, but I d-don’t think about him like that. I think.”_

_“You think?”_

_Bill groaned. “I don’t know. It was weird, but m-mostly because it_ wasn’t _weird. I like girls, but… somehow I – I didn’t really mind it.”_

_“Oh,” Eddie breathed. “I see.”_

_“I j-just hope things can go back to n-normal,” Bill continued. “Even if – even if I thought – like if I wanted to be with Mike like that, I c-can’t.”_

_“Why not?” Eddie asked, also wondering for his own sake._

_“Because someone in this town would fucking kill us.”_

So Eddie supposed Mike was always like Richie in that way, that he didn’t really care _what_ someone was as long as he liked _who_ they were. Or maybe Mike just liked dudes and sensed about Nel all along. But either way, Eddie felt both happy for Mike for finding someone he loved and sad for him that he had yet another thing he felt made him different in this shitty town. He took a sip of his wine, looking away when Mike caught his eye.

“I think it’s time we talked,” Mike said slowly.

“Finally!” said Richie. “I would like some explanation why our dumb asses thought sharing blood would be a good fucking idea during an AIDS crisis.

“None of us had AIDS, Richie,” Mike said, but Eddie stayed silent because he was sure that his tiny little heart was practically beating out of his chest at the idea back then, even if he went along with it.

“You guys made a _blood pact_?” Nel said, disgusting. “To come back to Derry, of all places?”

“It’s why I never left,” Mike explained. “I realized that his town… as I was reading up on Derry’s history and talking with the natives outside of town… it’s cursed. The further away you go, the less you can remember, until it all goes away. It did make me feel better, knowing that’s why no one ever tried reaching out or calling after they left. But I stayed so that one of us could remember and call the others back here when it was time.”

“That’s fucking wild,” said Richie.

“Why do we need to come back, Mike?” Eddie asked nervously.

“The curse, it’s – it’s not just about Derry,” Mike went on. “It’s a defense mechanism; a way to protect an ancient evil that lives here, that’s lived here for millions of years.”

“What – what are you talking about?” Nel asked slowly.

Mike took a deep breath, looking between Richie and Eddie across from him, both staring at him intently.

“I’m talking about… It.”

Eddie couldn’t quite understand. He thought maybe Richie didn’t either, until he felt Richie’s breath hitch beside him before slowly breathing out a name: “Pennywise.”

“Fuck,” Eddie gasped, clutching his chest. “Oh god. The fucking clown.”

How the fuck could he forget about _It_? That monstrous thing that stalked them, tormented them; the clown, the leper, the thing that nearly _ate his fucking face_ when it had trapped and cornered him in the house on Neibolt. Eddie felt desperately that he couldn’t breathe, trying to stick those memories back into the dark corners of his mind from which they were hiding. This was much more than any other memory from here. This was, as Mike had put it, simply _evil_.

“Nonononono,” Richie moaned, shaking his head. “No fucking way, Mike. I’m not coming back here for that shit. It’s _dead!_ We took care of it!”

“Did we?” Mike whispered desperately. “Because I don’t think you’d all forget if it really was gone.”

“Can someone _please_ tell me what is going on?” Nel asked.

“Nel,” Mike said softly, turning to face him. “Do you remember when you were a kid – the year of ’89, when you were about eleven? Maybe you felt like someone or something was after you? Or that maybe you were being followed or haunted by something?”

Nel’s eyes squinted in confusion for only a brief moment before they grew wide, Nel’s face growing terrified. “You mean like… a voice in the shower drain calling my name?”

“What the fuck, Nel?” Richie growled. “Why didn’t you fucking say anything about that?”

“Because it was fucking crazy, Richie!” Nel hissed back. “You never said anything about it, either!”

“Ok, guys relax,” Mike tried to calm them. “It’s not back yet! We still have eleven years before we need to worry about it.”

“That’s so comforting!” Eddie squeaked. “A whole decade of waiting to be eaten by a fucking demon clown! I couldn’t be happier, Mike!”

“Shh!” Mike hushed him while looking around to make sure no one was around. “I promise it will work next time! I’ve been doing nothing but researching and preparing for this, for when you guys come back. We’ll be one hundred percent prepared. We can finish it for good!”

They all hushed as their waitress came back, tension thick between them all as she laid their plates down in front of them. None of them touched their food, and Eddie personally felt like he’d be sick if he tried to eat.

“I can’t,” Richie said quietly after a while, staring down at his plate. “I can’t deal with that thing again, Mike.”

“We’ll have each other,” Mike pleaded. “We made a promise. We owe it to ourselves and every child that could be in danger to stop it when it comes back!”

“Why should I owe this town shit?” Richie spat back angrily. “This town did nothing but fuck us all up and torment us, with or without that fucking clown!”

“Mike,” Eddie said. “Richie’s right. I don’t think I can do it.”

“We have to,” Mike said firmly.

“Why?” Richie laughed humorlessly. “Why do we _have_ to?”

“Because,” Mike said seriously, looking up at them both. “We already touched it. It cursed us all. We lost our minds. We lost our memories. We won’t be able to have children of our own. And if we don’t kill it first… next time it comes back… it’ll kill us all anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter to go! Ngl, I wrote the ending before I finished chapter 1, but I have some big editing to do.  
> Soon though, I hope! <3


	10. Endings (Ending 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEW UPDATE**
> 
> This ending was posted 6/30/2020.  
> In light of my recent Depression, I thought about this fic and wanted to change things up a bit.  
> This chapter is one of TWO endings. If you want a happy one, move along to the next chapter, lest yee weep here. It's very bittersweet but depressing. I have updated and rewritten the ending just a bit.
> 
> Otherwise, if you want the original ending or want to read both, carry along down below. <3
> 
> ******
> 
> This. Is. It.
> 
> It's fresh and quick after my last post, but it's been sitting still since before I finished Chap 1 and I could prob edit it more but I think I'm at that sweet spot before I obsess over it.
> 
> Thank you for coming on this new journey. <3

Silence lay heavy in the car after Mike explained to Nel what they had done, and explained to Eddie and Richie in the front seats what they would have to do when It came back. Richie was uncharacteristically quiet as he lit a cigarette, blowing smoke out through the open window.

“So they sent Henry Bowers to the nut house for nothing?” Nel asked.

“Well, no,” Mike explained. “He still murdered three people and tried to kill all of us, too. I don’t think the clown ever left his head from what I’ve heard.”

When they asked Mike how he knew they’d all die, he said it always happened when those that were touched by It escaped, always dying within a year of its next cycle.

“Beverly saw it in the Deadlights,” he said as they made their way back to the hotel. “Either all the living come back or we all die within a year. The Deadlights show what could become of us if we don’t return.”

“Do you think,” Eddie began. “If she saw us all die, she could just help us avoid it? She could give us a heads up and warn us.”

“I don’t know if it works like that, Eddie,” Mike said softly.

“How do you know?”

“Have you seen Final Destination?” Richie blurted suddenly.

“Oh my fucking god,” Eddie groaned, slamming his foot into the breaks at a stop sign so abruptly that the other three were thrust forward into their seatbelts.

“That was a movie, Richie,” Mike said kindly from the backseat.

“Yeah, and we fought a killer clown from outer space,” Richie replied; his voice was a terrifying level of calm. “I’d say weird as fuck horror movies are fair game. The point is that Mike said we were cursed. If she saves us from round one, maybe it just comes back around and tries again and again until it gets us for good. I’m not talking every 27 years either. I mean, round and round every day until we’re so fucked and exhausted we just let it happen. We might not have a choice. You fucking win, Mikey.”

Eddie could feel Mike’s weight shift in the seat behind them as he deflated, looking severely distraught in the rearview mirror. Eddie wished he could say he could not blame Mike, but he hated how adamantly Mike wanted to commit to a sick promise they had made as children. He was sure there was a version of this story where Mike got the hell out of here and made sure the memories snuffed out of all that had left. In that version, Richie and Eddie probably hung around to do something normal, like see Frank’s grave or jump in the quarry for old time’s sakes. But no, Mike had to be here waiting for the opportunity to share the gruesome details and drag the rest down with him into this hell pit he chose to imprison himself in.

“I just wish I knew what the fuck was happening,” came Nel’s small voice behind Richie’s seat.

“Nothing,” Eddie said desperately. “Because we do have a choice, and if Mike would like to join us, he is welcome to leave this shithole behind like the rest of us. Mike, am I dropping you off at home?”

He looked into the rearview mirror and caught Mike and Nel exchanging a look.

“I’m… going to hang out at the inn for a bit. I can leave you two alone, if you want…”

“We’re going to catch up,” Nel said bluntly. “Pedal to the metal limo man. This clown and sewer talk is freaking me out and I want to get in my jammies.”

Eddie paced around the room erratically; even Thor could sense the distress as he watched Eddie from Richie’s lap on the bed and quietly whimpered. Richie was petting the large dog absently, staring off in front of him.

“Do we tell the others?” Eddie finally asked, stopping at the foot of the bed. “Do we give them a chance to remember and decide for themselves to come back or not? Or do we keep them in the dark and save them from how shitty this feels? Because I feel like I’m about to vomit my own spine.”

“No point,” Richie mumbled. “Mike said in the restaurant the more we reconnect, the more we’d remember. I’m sure if we all manage to get together, that shit is going to break through the glass walls that have been up. I think Stan knew right away. For whatever reason, he could remember. I don’t think he’ll appreciate having that brought up again, do you?”

“What about Beverly? The thing Mike said about the Deadlights?”

“Yeah, to live or die,” Richie huffed. “Not much of a choice really. Eds, I’d say we’re pretty fucked.”

Eddie moved around to sit on the side of the bed. Thor crawled over and laid his big dopey head on Eddie’s lap, which was mildly comforting. “I want to go home. I want to take Thor and Mina and find a stupid little place in Greenwich with all the other rich gays and just tell this place to fuck right off.”

“My credit score is not going to get us a place in Greenwich, Eds.”

“Mine will,” Eddie reasoned. “Once we get back I’m going to sign everything to get the business from Theo. I’ll be a business owner with an 800 credit score. They’ll practically suck my dick for a lease. We’ll fill that place up with all good, new things, new memories; leave this all behind us.”

Richie nodded and sighed. “Speaking of dicks, do you think Mike is fucking my brother in the other room?”

Eddie shook his head in bewilderment. “I can’t believe you’re thinking about that right now. Besides, they’re probably just holding each other and staring into each other’s eyes all lovingly.”

“Ugh,” Richie groaned. “That’s somehow so much worse.”

Eddie fell back and let his back hit the bed. He wanted drugs. He wanted to fuck himself up and pass out and forget all this worry and sickness and nervousness and tragedy. All of his limbs were fidgeting and he thought about just going down to the bar and drinking all the rum until he collapsed. He wanted to down a case of Nyquil and pop a Xanax. Hell, at this point he might start taking up heroin. If this was surely how he was going to feel for the next eleven years, he didn’t know how he was possibly going to function and the thought of that made him sick to his stomach. No amount of therapy was going to help him cope with this, with or without Richie’s help.

Unless… they forgot again.

But the thought stung harshly the second it invaded Eddie’s mind, filling Eddie’s eyes with tears. He didn’t want to leave Mike here all by himself for another decade. He didn’t want to forget the four other people out there in the world that meant so much to him still that he _would_ consider coming back here just to save them all. The worst moments of his life were in Derry, but so were some of the best, too, all thanks to his friends here. He never could have met better people anywhere else, and he didn’t know how they all got so lucky to find each other.

Big Bill, Eddie’s childhood hero, the boy he wanted to be like when he grew up, even though Bill was technically younger than him by several months, was out there dealing with the loss of a brother he probably couldn’t remember. Knowing Bill existed again, yet not reaching out to him with the number Mike had found and given to Eddie just an hour ago, was already killing him. He thought about Bev and Ben and how they deserved each other just as much as he and Richie or Mike and Nel. He wondered if Bill had found someone or if he was just recluse in his cabin drowning himself in sorrow and booze. Stan looked so unbelievably happy just at the mention of his wife when they had met him again. Eddie also knew that Richie would be just as broken up about Stan as he was feeling about Bill if they were to never see him again. But maybe it was best to leave them all undisturbed and try to live as blissfully ignorant as they could until the day came when they couldn’t anymore.

If Mike was right and they let this go, they would all be dead in only twelve years or so. Seven lives would be snuffed out and destroyed as a consequence of their inaction, not to mention the thousands or millions more that would get hit by the oncoming waves of Its cycle. But the seven lives that Eddie was thinking about now were all the best humans on the planet, as far as he was concerned. Eddie would defend that statement with his life, because after all these years he somehow just knew it was still true. He loved them and he’d still die for them if it meant saving them; every single one of them.

“We have to come back,” Eddie whispered, feeling the warm tears spilling down the sides of his face where he was lying down, uncomfortably dripping into his ears.

“I know,” Richie whispered. “I just hope I don’t chicken out before the time comes.”

Eddie turned his head to look at him. “Richie,” he said softly. “You know we have to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Richie opened his mouth and shut it again, pursing his lips for a moment. He didn’t want to say it, but after a moment, he finally nodded. “We have to forget again.”

The tears spilled harshly again from Eddie’s eyes. “Yeah. We do.”

“How do we know we will?” Richie said, his own eyes beginning to water, knowing what Eddie was going to say before he said it.

“You remember what Mike said, about the more we have from this place, the more we’d remember?”

“Yeah,” Richie sniffled.

“I think,” Eddie croaked, feeling his throat begin to burn as his tears threatened to spill again. “We can’t leave any chances of that, Richie.”

Richie pursed his lips, his own tears spilling out down his cheeks as he nodded, and understanding. “You’re right.”

They both pulled out their phones and went into their contacts, and Eddie could feel his chest welling up and burning until he let himself sob at the sight of Bill and Ben’s names in his phone. Richie’s hands shook as he scrolled through between Bev and Stan.

“Did – did you give Ben your number?”

“No.”

Richie nodded again. “I didn’t give Bev or Stan mine either. So this – this will be it.” His voice broke, more tears falling down harshly down to his chin.

One by one, with a pain so sharp it was as if someone had physically stabbed Eddie in the chest, they deleted each of the Loser’s numbers. First Bill, then Ben, then Beverly, then Stan. By now, they all likely forgot meeting Eddie and Richie again, and Bill never even got a chance. That thin connection between them was completely destroyed, assuring that they’d never speak again… until they had to.

“Eds,” Richie croaked. “Can you – ”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, immediately pushing himself up and scooting over to hold onto Richie, Thor following along to plop himself on their outstretched legs.

They held each other and cried, both thinking about all the good they were ripping apart from themselves, the best parts of their lives besides each other now far away and soon to be completely forgotten. Even if they somehow ran into them on the streets again in passing, they knew they’d be doomed to stay in broken pieces in the backs of their minds until It came back for them again. Perhaps they were even grieving the bad memories they would be letting go, the small pieces of tragedy that built them into the men they were now, whether they liked it or not.

It had been a long, exhausting day to say the least. Eddie couldn’t remember crying this much in his adult life. Derry did that kind of thing to people, he supposed; especially after remembering you spent a portion of your childhood severely abused by your parent you just lost and tormented further by an evil shape-shifting entity from another dimension. He supposed.

But that aching to grab onto an old vice dissipated once he was held by Richie. Deep down, Eddie knew it was probably a little unhealthy, but of all the fucked up things that he could have after all his trauma, a clingy relationship with someone who loved him dearly and tenderly was probably the least of his problems. Besides, if all it took now for Eddie to fall asleep after one of the most anxiety-driven days he could remember in years was being held by Richie, after all the years he had spent filling his body with substances he abused, that was something to fucking celebrate, in his opinion. And they finally did fall asleep within those few minutes; holding on to each other like it was already the end of the world.

When morning woke them, Eddie felt like he was hung over. He didn’t want to accept the reality that had crashed into his newly comforting life, but it hit him in the morning like a wrecking ball into a brick wall. He allowed himself some Tylenol, and gently prodded Richie awake so they could check out on time.

“I don’t know what terrifies me more,” Richie mumbled as he put his socks on. “Staying in Derry or leaving it again.”

“Imagine how Mike feels,” Eddie mused sadly. “He’s been alone this entire time without us.”

“I don’t think I want to get breakfast,” Richie said suddenly.

“Why not?”

“Because after last night, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat Chinese food ever again. I don’t want to ruin bacon, too.”

Eddie sighed, but didn’t argue, because he could kind of agree with that. “We can hit up a Starbucks on our way out of Maine, then. There was one in Kennebunk if you want to wait until we’re pretty far out of the area.”

“That’s probably a good idea. I’m going to get rid of all the post-it notes in the car.”

Eddie agreed silently, and while Richie was out walking Thor and ridding all of Derry’s evidence in their rental, he went through all of their belongings and his planner to get rid of all of those, too. Each little note he removed felt like ripping open a fresh wound over and over again, ripping apart all the memories of his friendships here. If he didn’t have Richie, he wondered how much harder this would be for him.

Richie came back up to help take their luggage downstairs, and Eddie saw Mike and Nel waiting outside. Thor was happily waiting in the back of the rental with the windows rolled down, but Roxanne was in Nel’s arms, and Nel was crying.

“You want me to put her in the back?” Richie offered him. “So you can say goodbye to Mike?”

Nel’s face twisted, tears falling down his cheek. “Actually, Richie, I’m – I’m going to say goodbye to you.”

Eddie felt his stomach drop just as Riche dropped his duffle bag. “ _What_?”

“I’m going to stay, Rich,” Nel sob. “I – I’m going to stay here with Mike. He said I can stay with him in the apartment he has in the library.”

Mike looked up at Richie sheepishly. “I tried to stop him, Rich. I literally spent all night trying to convince him to leave. He’s too stubborn.”

“I can’t leave Mike, Richie,” Nel cried softly. “You know I can’t. You’d do the same if it were Eddie.”

“Nel,” Richie whispered, his voice tight. “How are – how are you going to just abandon everything?”

“It’s just a few years, Rich,” said Nel, a small twisted smile on his face. “I’m all done with school. I can make sure the university sends over all my credentials here. Besides, everyone here is so fucked up; I’d probably make a killing if I set up practice here. Maybe I’ll do some good for all the kids stuck here… I’m sure they could use a good therapist.”

“You’d probably end up being the best thing they have in this stupid place,” Eddie said softly, offering an encouraging smile to Nel, feeling his chest tighten, knowing how much Richie was already suffering from this.

“What about mom and dad?” Richie croaked. “What about your hormones?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Nel smiled sadly. “Mom and dad will be fine. You can always make them smile, Richie.”

Richie took Roxanne from Nel to give to Mike so he could grab Nel as tightly as he could, sobbing loudly as he held onto him tight. “I’m going to miss you, you fucking dick.”

“You won’t for long,” Nel assured him as he stroked Richie’s back softly. “It’ll be just like sleeping. Once you remember me again, it’ll be like no time passed at all between us.”

Richie sobbed again, but it broke out into a small laugh, pulling back to look at Nel. “Please don’t let this town get to you.”

“I won’t let anything happen to him,” Mike said softly, wiping his face.

Saying goodbye to them both hurt Eddie as badly as everything else had, even if he knew the pain and memories would disappear as they drove away. He clung onto Mike tight as the hugged, trying to let himself get lost in the warm embrace before it would be taken from him for another decade. Just when they were about to leave, Richie shut his door again.

“Take Thor,” he said.

“Wait, what?” Nel asked. “Richie, are you sure?”

“You and Mike will be good to him,” Richie said. “Besides, I can’t have him in my apartment. He’s a piece of me to hold onto until I see you again.”

“God, you’re such a fucking sap,” Nel laughed, starting to cry again. “Give me the damn dog.”

“He’ll take long walks every day by the lake,” Mike assured Richie. “This boy is going to have a good life.”

“I know, man,” Richie said, hugging them both again. “I love you both.”

“I love you, too,” Eddie told them, trying to keep his eyes dry.

“We love you guys, too,” Mike smiled, taking Thor’s leash and Chewbacca toy. “Drive safe.”

“It’s Eddie Kaspbrak,” said Richie. “Safe is his middle name.”

It felt surreal driving away, almost dreamlike as they made their way down the road. Richie seemed far into his own world, and seemed startled when Eddie turned the wheel sharply.

“What are you doing?” Richie asked as Eddie pulled over to the side of the road, stopping right in front of the sign at the edge of the city limits.

_Leaving Derry._

“Once we pass that line,” Eddie whispered. “This will be it. I don’t know how long it will take.”

“Oh. Right.” Richie’s voice was tight and Eddie turned to see Richie’s eyes swelling up with tears again. Eddie reached over to grab his arm and Richie put his hand on top of his.

“Are you ready for this, Richie?”

Eddie felt Richie’s hand squeeze him tightly as he pulled out his phone with the other, shaking slightly as Richie opened Nel’s contact. “Probably not,” Richie admitted with a small laugh as his tears finally fell. He deleted Nel’s number.

They sat here for a bit of time that Eddie could not fully comprehend. His face was so warm from the sun glaring through the windshield that he didn’t notice his own warm tears streaming down his face again until he felt Richie gently wipe his cheek. He turned to face him, gazing into his eyes and trying to lose himself in them for just one comforting moment.

“What’s going to happen when we come back?” Eddie whispered.

Richie didn’t say anything right away, lightly brushing his thumb against Eddie’s cheek.

“We’re going to fuck up that old clown, that’s what.”

“You think we really will? I don’t know if I can handle it, Richie.”

“Of course we will. You’re braver than you think.”

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead into Eddie’s, both of them taking a moment to be grateful for what they had; for their friends, for their shared family, and for each other. Even if the former of those things would be lost for a while, they’d get it back. They’d all come together again and fight for each other, for better lives. And in the meantime, at least they knew, evil clown impending on them or not, that with each other, they would be wholly and completely happy.

Eddie couldn’t wait to get back to that life, he thought, as he shifted the car back into drive, making their way onto the road again. As their crying settled and they drove on, turning the radio up after leaving Maine with their iced coffees and chocolate croissants and singing obnoxiously to old pop songs on the radio, neither of them realized that they were forgetting again, going onward towards all the great memories they were going to create together, leaving Maine and all of their worst ones behind them, waiting to be awoken again.

* * *

“Hey, Richie? I gotta tell you something.”

“What? What’s up buddy?”

“I fucked your mother.”

Richie stared incredulously down at him as Eddie chuckled, spilling some blood down his chin as he did so. Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand, the one that wasn’t occupied by pressing his jacket into Eddie’s chest into his wound. He felt the others get up and run for it, but Richie did not budge, only moving to sit more firmly beside his husband, trusting that whatever the Loser’s would do, they would do it right.

“Eddie, if what you said is true – about the leper – they’ll destroy It. This is going to work.”

“I know it will,” Eddie said confidently, squeezing Richie’s hand. “Hey, Richie?”

“I’m going to tell Maggie what you said by the way, you little shit,” Richie tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob. His body was feeling warmer by the second against him as Eddie’s skin grew cold.

“Rich, what would you say to Stan if you could see him again?”

Richie’s brow furrowed; his face was half shadow under the cold, green light in the cavern. “What – what are you – Eds, why are you asking me that?”

“Just thought I’d know… just in case.”

“Bullshit. There is no just in case. I’m getting you out of here. You’re going to be fine, Eddie.”

But Eddie wouldn’t be; he knew that. He could see it there, too, in Richie’s eyes, even if he couldn’t accept it yet. Eddie didn’t want to either. But there was a small comfort he could speak to Richie now, the one piece of truth he could always accept, a small delight in this pit of darkness: “I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you Richie.”

“Of course you are, love,” Richie whispered, smiling sadly as a tear streaked down his cheek, making a trail of clean skin amongst the dirt and grime that covered Richie’s face. And even though he wouldn’t realize why just yet, he didn’t say the words back to Eddie, because he knew it wasn’t a two-way street; only one of them would be walking out of here alive to live the rest of his life without the other. And Eddie was ok with that. Because he was dying for Richie, and for all the others, and he was leaving Richie with a full and beautiful life, and now the support of his family, including five of the best people they could imagine that were fighting for all of their lives here in this cavern. He would be lost for a while, but the others would reel him back in with all their love and he would live the rest of his life and be happy.

The others were shouting now, but Eddie wouldn’t peel his eyes off of Richie, a beautiful sight even given the circumstances. He couldn’t help but feel he was so accepting of this because of how wonderful Richie had made the life he had lived. Things hadn’t been amazing before they met again, but he and Richie somehow found each other and made a meaningful, full life together. It was more than Eddie ever could have asked for. They had spent just over a decade together since then, enjoying every minute of it, through all the fucking and fighting and support and affection and love. They had always been there to support each other through all of the highs and lows.

The two of them always brought out the best of each other. They had finally married five years ago, a small ceremony with a few close friends; they didn’t realize why at the time, but it felt like some people were missing. Neither of them knew Eddie would be the true daredevil of the two of them until he had forced Richie to go zip lining, sky-diving, bungee jumping, and snorkeling, visiting at least fifteen different countries in these last few years, soaking up as much of the world as they could. Eddie had found his favorite vice for his anxiety, because he learned quickly that he was doing it all wrong. Why try so hard to calm down when he could turn those nerves into excitement instead? All Richie had to do was keep up, and he always tagged along with a smile on his face.

“How can I say no to those Bambi eyes?” he’d always say.

It was Richie who started the tradition on their first trip to Costa Rica to take a picture kissing at the sunset on their last day in whatever country they were visiting at the time. They’d always return to their beautiful home in Greenwich, saving that cheesy photo in a little album Eddie had gotten that stood in the open on a shelf in their living room. Eddie happily took care of his business to save for their next adventure, Richie spent his nights writing in front of their fire place, never quite able to make anyone laugh harder during his shows than he made Eddie in their home, and Mina acted like a tiny little mother for their tender pit-bull mix, Hannibal. Eddie could have never imagined anything more beautiful and wonderful than being with Richie Tozier, who gave him a life full of nothing but laughter and love. Of course it wasn’t enough. But Eddie knew that even ten life times with Richie never would’ve been enough for him.

“Richie,” he whispered, loving the way the name still sounded on his lips as he felt his voice fading away.

“Hey,” Richie whispered softly back. “I love you, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds,” he said and smiled. All of their time together and all the memories of his lifetime were spinning around his mind, feeling like a kid again teasing his childhood crush. He raised his hand slowly and touched Richie’s cheek. Richie pulled his arms around Eddie tightly, keeping him in an embrace against him. _Not bad,_ Eddie thought. _This is not bad at all_.

And there Eddie found himself, the last sight of his life locked on his lover, wrapped warmly in his arms. This was always where he wanted to be. Really, hadn’t he always thought this was where he wanted to die, too; just being completely embraced by Richie? The cavern didn’t matter. The evil beyond them didn’t matter. Even the pain that he had been feeling was subsiding and fading with the rest of him. All that mattered was Richie and being here in his arms where he belonged. “You know I… I…”

 _I love you, too_ , Eddie thought, too far gone to speak, willing the words out through his eyes and into Richie’s as his vision began to blur and darken; just in case Richie didn’t understand… but Richie knew well enough. Eddie’s love for Richie was too eternal; he’d keep that with him, always.

Even in death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I am so sorry. I broke my own heart with this one. But I had this idea to tie together the ending of the book and the movie with a little added flavor of actual acquainted love. It was the first time I didn't get to tag "Happy Ending" in a fic and it hurt to know that. But Eddie still deserved to know he was loved dammit. And Mike didn't have to spend all those years alone.
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and support through the highs and lows of this fic. If you want more Reddie, all my other series end happily ever after if you wanna stop on by.
> 
> **If you want the Happy Ending to this fic, please continue to the next chapter for an alternative ending!**
> 
> Thank you again. See ya in comments. Stay safe out there folks <3


	11. Endings (Ending 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of things (but better).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back (or greetings new readers of this fic).
> 
> In light of my recent Depression I rewrote the ending of this. So, should you be ok with the previous ending it is still there. 
> 
> But THIS new ending is a Fix-It. Promise. Hope you like it. It may not be artistically better or... any better at all, but this was one of my favorite fics to write and it made me happy to know this AU got a nice ending.
> 
> Also, I have a sideblog now for all my IT shit! So come yell at me @ fuckbitchesgetreddie <3

Silence lay heavy in the car after Mike explained to Nel what they had done, and explained to Eddie and Richie in the front seats what they would have to do when It came back. Richie was uncharacteristically quiet as he lit a cigarette, blowing smoke out through the open window.

“So they sent Henry Bowers to the nut house for nothing?” Nel asked.

“Well, no,” Mike explained. “He still murdered three people and tried to kill all of us, too. I don’t think the clown ever left his head from what I’ve heard.”

When they asked Mike how he knew they’d all die, he said it always happened when those that were touched by It escaped, always dying within a year of its next cycle.

“Beverly saw it in the Deadlights,” he said as they made their way back to the hotel. “Either all the living come back or we all die within a year. The Deadlights show what could become of us if we don’t return.”

“Do you think,” Eddie began. “If she saw us all die, she could just help us avoid it? She could give us a heads up and warn us.”

“I don’t know if it works like that, Eddie,” Mike said softly.

“How do you know?”

“Have you seen Final Destination?” Richie blurted suddenly.

“Oh my fucking god,” Eddie groaned, slamming his foot into the breaks at a stop sign so abruptly that the other three were thrust forward into their seatbelts.

“That was a movie, Richie,” Mike said kindly from the backseat, adjusting the belt that had dug into his chest.

“Yeah, and we fought a killer clown from outer space,” Richie replied; his voice was a terrifying level of calm. “I’d say weird as fuck horror movies are fair game. The point is that Mike said we were cursed. If she saves us from round one, maybe it just comes back around and tries again and again until it gets us for good. I’m not talking every 27 years either. I mean, round and round every day until we’re so fucked and exhausted we just let it happen. We might not have a choice. You fucking win, Mikey.”

Eddie could feel Mike’s weight shift in the seat behind them as he deflated, looking severely distraught in the rearview mirror. Eddie wished he could say he could not blame Mike, but he hated how adamantly Mike wanted to commit to a sick promise they had made as children. He was sure there was a version of this story where Mike got the hell out of here and made sure the memories snuffed out of all that had left. In that version, Richie and Eddie probably hung around to do something normal, like see Frank’s grave or jump in the quarry for old time’s sake. But no, Mike had to be here waiting for the opportunity to share the gruesome details and drag the rest down with him into this hell pit he chose to imprison himself in.

“I just wish I knew what the fuck was happening,” came Nel’s small voice behind Richie’s seat.

“Nothing,” Eddie said desperately. “Because we do have a choice, and if Mike would like to join us, he is welcome to leave this shithole behind like everyone else did. Mike, am I dropping you off at home?”

He looked into the rearview mirror and caught Mike and Nel exchanging a look.

“I’m… going to hang out at the inn for a bit. I can leave you two alone, if you want…”

“We’re going to catch up,” Nel said bluntly. “Pedal to the metal limo man. This clown and sewer shit is freaking me out and I want to get in my jammies.”

Once they were back in their room, Eddie paced around erratically; even Thor could sense the distress as he watched Eddie from Richie’s lap on the bed and quietly whimpered. Richie was petting the large dog absently, staring off at nothing in front of him.

“Do we tell the others?” Eddie finally asked, stopping at the foot of the bed. “Do we give them a chance to remember and decide for themselves to come back or not? Or do we keep them in the dark and save them from how shitty this feels? Because I feel like I’m about to vomit my own spine.”

“No point,” Richie mumbled. “Mike said in the restaurant the more we reconnect, the more we’d remember. I’m sure if we all manage to get together, that shit is going to break through the glass walls that have been up. I think Stan knew right away. For whatever reason, he could remember. I don’t think he’ll appreciate having that brought up again, do you?”

“What about Beverly? The thing Mike said about the Deadlights?”

“Yeah, to live or die,” Richie huffed. “Not much of a choice really. Eds, I’d say we’re pretty fucked.”

Eddie moved around to sit on the side of the bed. Thor crawled over and laid his big dopey head on Eddie’s lap, which was mildly comforting. “I want to go home. I want to take Thor and Mina and find a stupid little place in Greenwich with all the other rich gays and just tell this place to fuck right off.”

“My credit score is not going to get us a place in Greenwich, Eds.”

“Mine will,” Eddie reasoned. “Once we get back I’m going to sign everything to get the business from Theo. I’ll be a business owner with an 800 credit score. They’ll practically suck my dick for a lease. We’ll fill that place up with all good, new things, new memories; leave this all behind us.”

Richie nodded and sighed. “Speaking of dicks, do you think Mike is fucking my brother in the other room?”

Eddie shook his head in bewilderment. “I can’t believe you’re thinking about that right now. Besides, they’re probably just holding each other and staring into each other’s eyes all lovingly.”

“Ugh,” Richie groaned. “That’s somehow so much worse.”

Eddie fell back and let his back hit the bed. He wanted drugs. He wanted to fuck himself up and pass out and forget all this worry and sickness and nervousness and tragedy. All of his limbs were fidgeting and he thought about just going down to the bar and drinking all the rum until he collapsed. He wanted to down a case of Nyquil and pop a Xanax. Hell, at this point he might start taking up heroin. If this was surely how he was going to feel for the next eleven years, he didn’t know how he was possibly going to function and the thought of that made him sick to his stomach. No amount of therapy was going to help him cope with this, with or without Richie’s help.

Unless… they forgot again.

But the thought stung harshly the second it invaded Eddie’s mind, filling Eddie’s eyes with tears. He didn’t want to leave Mike here all by himself for another decade. He didn’t want to forget the four other people out there in the world that meant so much to him still that he would consider coming back here just to save them all. The worst moments of his life were in Derry, but so were some of the best, too, all thanks to his friends here. He never could have met better people anywhere else, and he didn’t know how they all got so lucky to find each other.

Big Bill, Eddie’s childhood hero, the boy he wanted to be like when he grew up, even though Bill was technically younger than him by several months, was out there dealing with the loss of a brother he probably couldn’t remember. Knowing Bill existed again, yet not reaching out to him with the number Mike had found and given to Eddie just an hour ago, was already killing him. He thought about Bev and Ben and how they deserved each other just as much as he and Richie or Mike and Nel. He wondered if Bill had found someone or if he was just recluse in his cabin drowning himself in sorrow and booze. Stan looked so unbelievably happy just at the mention of his wife when they had met him again. Eddie also knew that Richie would be just as broken up about Stan as he was feeling about Bill if they were to never see him again. But maybe it was best to leave them all undisturbed and try to live as blissfully ignorant as they could until the day came when they couldn’t anymore.

If Mike was right and they let this go, they would all be dead in only twelve years or so. Seven lives would be snuffed out and destroyed as a consequence of their inaction, not to mention the thousands or millions more that would get hit by the oncoming waves of Its cycle. But the seven lives that Eddie was thinking about now were all the best humans on the planet, as far as he was concerned. Eddie would defend that statement with his life, because after all these years he somehow just knew it was still true. He loved them and he’d still die for them if it meant saving them; every single one of them.

“We have to come back,” Eddie whispered, feeling the warm tears spilling down the sides of his face where he was lying down, uncomfortably dripping into his ears.

“I know,” Richie whispered. “I just hope I don’t chicken out before the time comes.”

Eddie turned his head to look at him. “Richie,” he said softly. “You know we have to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Richie opened his mouth and shut it again. He didn’t want to say it, but after a moment, he finally nodded. “We have to forget again.”

The tears spilled harshly again from Eddie’s eyes. “Yeah. We do.”

“How do we know we will?” Richie said, his own eyes beginning to water, knowing what Eddie was going to say before he said it.

“You remember what Mike said, about the more we have from this place, the more we’d remember?”

“Yeah,” Richie sniffled.

“I think,” Eddie croaked, feeling his throat begin to burn as his tears threatened to spill again. “We can’t leave any chances of that, Richie.”

Richie pursed his lips, his own tears spilling out down his cheeks as he nodded, and understanding. “You’re right.”

They both pulled out their phones and went into their contacts, and Eddie could feel his chest welling up and burning until he let himself sob at the sight of Bill and Ben’s names in his phone. Richie’s hands shook as he scrolled through between Bev and Stan.

“Did – did you give Ben your number?”

“No.”

Richie nodded again. “I didn’t give Bev or Stan mine either. So this – this will be it.” His voice broke, more tears falling down harshly down to his chin.

One by one, with a pain so sharp it was as if someone had physically stabbed Eddie in the chest, they deleted each of the Loser’s numbers. First Bill, then Ben, then Beverly, then Stan. By now, they all likely forgot meeting Eddie and Richie again, and Bill never even got a chance. That thin connection between them was completely destroyed, assuring that they’d never speak again… until they had to.

“Eds,” Richie croaked. “Can you – ”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, immediately pushing himself up and scooting over to hold onto Richie, Thor following along to plop himself on their outstretched legs.

They held each other and cried, both thinking about all the good they were ripping apart from themselves, the best parts of their lives besides each other now far away and soon to be completely forgotten. Even if they somehow ran into them on the streets again in passing, they knew they’d be doomed to stay in broken pieces in the backs of their minds until It came back for them again. Perhaps they were even grieving the bad memories they would be letting go, the small pieces of tragedy that built them into the men they were now, whether they liked it or not.

It had been a long, exhausting day to say the least. Eddie couldn’t remember crying this much in his adult life. Derry did that kind of thing to people, he supposed; especially after remembering you spent a portion of your childhood severely abused by a parent you had just lost and was tormented further by an evil shape-shifting entity from another dimension. He supposed.

But that aching to grab onto an old vice dissipated once he was held by Richie. Deep down, Eddie knew it was probably a little unhealthy, but of all the fucked up things that he could have after all his trauma, a clingy relationship with someone who loved him dearly and tenderly was probably the least of his problems. Besides, if all it took now for Eddie to fall asleep after one of the most anxiety-driven days he could remember in years was being held by Richie, after all the years he had spent filling his body with substances he abused, that was something to fucking celebrate, in his opinion. And they finally did fall asleep within those few minutes; holding on to each other like it was already the end of the world.

When morning woke them, Eddie felt like he was hung over. He didn’t want to accept the reality that had crashed into his newly comforting life, but it hit him in the morning like a wrecking ball into a brick wall. He allowed himself some Tylenol, and gently prodded Richie awake so they could check out on time.

“I don’t know what terrifies me more,” Richie mumbled as he put his socks on. “Staying in Derry or leaving it again.”

“Imagine how Mike feels,” Eddie mused sadly. “He’s been alone this entire time without us.”

“I don’t think I want to get breakfast,” Richie said suddenly.

“Why not?”

“Because after last night, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat Chinese food ever again. I don’t want to ruin bacon, too.”

Eddie sighed, but didn’t argue, because he could kind of agree with that. “We can hit up a Starbucks on our way out of Maine, then. There was one in Kennebunk if you want to wait until we’re pretty far out of the area.”

“That’s probably a good idea. I’m going to get rid of all the post-it notes in the car.”

Eddie agreed silently, and while Richie was out walking Thor and ridding all of Derry’s evidence from their rental, he went through all of their belongings and his planner to get rid of all of those, too. Each little note he removed felt like ripping open a fresh wound over and over again, ripping apart all the memories of his friendships here. If he didn’t have Richie, he wondered how much harder this would be for him.

Richie came back up to help take their luggage downstairs, and Eddie saw Mike and Nel waiting outside. Thor was happily waiting in the back of the rental with the windows rolled down, but Roxanne was in Nel’s arms, and Nel was crying.

“You want me to put her in the back?” Richie offered him. “So you can say goodbye to Mike?”

Nel’s face twisted, tears falling down his cheek. “Actually, Richie, I’m – I’m going to say goodbye to... you.”

Eddie felt his stomach drop just as Riche dropped his duffle bag.  _ “What?” _

“I’m going to stay,” Nel sobbed. “I – I’m going to stay here with Mike. He said I can stay with him in the apartment he has in the library.”

Mike looked up at Richie sheepishly. “I tried to stop him, Rich. I literally spent all night trying to convince him to leave. He’s too stubborn.”

“I can’t leave Mike, Richie,” Nel cried softly. “You know I can’t. You’d do the same if it were Eddie.”

“Nel,” Richie whispered, his voice tight. “How are – how are you going to just abandon everything?”

“It’s just a few years, Rich,” said Nel, a small twisted smile on his face. “I’m all done with school. I can make sure the university sends over all my credentials here so I can get my license in the state. Besides, everyone here is so fucked up; I’d probably make a killing if I set up practice here. Maybe I’ll do some good for all the kids stuck here… I’m sure they could use a good therapist.”

“You’d probably end up being the best thing they have in this stupid place,” Eddie said softly, offering an encouraging smile to Nel, feeling his chest tighten, knowing how much Richie was already suffering from this.

“What about mom and dad?” Richie croaked. “What about your hormones?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Nel smiled sadly. “Mom and dad will be fine. You can always make them smile, Richie.”

Richie took Roxanne from Nel to give to Mike so he could grab Nel as tightly as he could, sobbing loudly as he held onto him tight. “I’m going to miss you, you fucking dick.”

“You won’t for long,” Nel assured him as he stroked Richie’s back softly. “It’ll be just like sleeping. Once you remember me again, it’ll be like no time passed at all between us.”

Richie sobbed again, but it broke out into a small laugh, pulling back to look at Nel. “Please don’t let this town get to you.”

“I won’t let anything happen to him,” Mike said softly, wiping his face.

Saying goodbye to them both hurt Eddie as badly as everything else had, even if he knew the pain and memories would disappear as they drove away. He clung onto Mike tight as they hugged, trying to let himself get lost in the warm embrace before it would be taken from him for another decade. Just when they were about to leave, Richie shut his door again.

“Take Thor,” he said.

“Wait, what?” Nel asked. “Richie, are you sure?”

“You and Mike will be good to him,” Richie said. “Besides, I can’t have him in my apartment. He’s a piece of me to hold onto until I see you again.”

“God, you’re such a fucking sap,” Nel laughed, starting to cry again. “Give me the damn dog.”

“He’ll take long walks every day by the lake,” Mike assured Richie. “This boy is going to have a good life.”

“I know, man,” Richie said, hugging them both again. “I love you both.”

“I love you, too,” Eddie told them, trying to keep his eyes dry.

“We love you guys, too,” Mike smiled, taking Thor’s leash and Chewbacca toy. “Drive safe.”

“It’s Eddie Kaspbrak,” said Richie. “Safe is his middle name.”

It felt surreal driving away, almost dreamlike as they made their way down the road. Richie seemed far into his own world, and seemed startled when Eddie turned the wheel sharply.

“What are you doing?” Richie asked as Eddie pulled over to the side of the road, stopping right in front of the sign at the edge of the city limits.

**_Leaving Derry_ **

“Once we pass that line,” Eddie whispered. “This will be it. I don’t know how long it will take.”

“Oh. Right.” Richie’s voice was tight and Eddie turned to see Richie’s eyes swelling up with tears again. Eddie reached over to grab his arm and Richie put his hand on top of his.

“Are you ready for this, Richie?”

Eddie felt Richie’s hand squeeze him tightly as he pulled out his phone with the other, shaking slightly as Richie opened Nel’s contact. “Probably not,” Richie admitted with a small laugh as his tears finally fell. He deleted Nel’s number.

They sat here for a bit of time that Eddie could not fully comprehend. His face was so warm from the sun glaring through the windshield that he didn’t notice his own warm tears streaming down his face again until he felt Richie gently wipe his cheek. He turned to face him, gazing into his eyes and trying to lose himself in them for just one comforting moment.

“What’s going to happen when we come back?” Eddie whispered.

Richie didn’t say anything right away, lightly brushing his thumb against Eddie’s cheek.

“We’re going to fuck up that old clown, that’s what.”

“You think we really will? I don’t know if I can handle it, Richie.”

“Of course we will. You’re braver than you think.”

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead into Eddie’s, both of them taking a moment to be grateful for what they had; for their friends, for their shared family, and for each other. Even if the former of those things would be lost for a while, they’d get it back. They’d all come together again and fight for each other, for better lives. And in the meantime, at least they knew, evil clown impending on them or not, that with each other, they would be wholly and completely happy.

Eddie couldn’t wait to get back to that life, he thought, as he shifted the car back into drive, making their way onto the road again. As their crying settled and they drove on, turning the radio up after leaving Maine with their iced coffees and chocolate croissants and singing obnoxiously to old pop songs on the radio, neither of them realized that they were forgetting again, going onward towards all the great memories they were going to create together, leaving Maine and all of their worst ones behind them.

Waiting to be awoken again.

* * *

“Hey, Richie? I gotta tell you something.”

“What? What’s up buddy?”

“I fucked your mother.”

Richie stared incredulously down at him as Eddie chuckled, spilling some blood down his chin as he did so. Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand, the one that wasn’t occupied by pressing his jacket into Eddie’s chest into his wound. He felt the others get up and run for it, but Richie did not budge, only moving to sit more firmly beside his husband, trusting that whatever the Loser’s would do, they would do it right.

“Eddie, if what you said is true – about the leper – they’ll destroy It. This is going to work.”

“I know it will,” Eddie said confidently, squeezing Richie’s hand. “Hey, Richie?”

“I’m going to tell Maggie what you said by the way, you little shit,” Richie tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob. His body was feeling warmer by the second against him as Eddie’s skin grew cold.

“Rich, what would you say to Stan if you could see him again?”

Richie’s brow furrowed; his face was half shadow under the cold, green light in the cavern. “What – what are you – Eds, why are you asking me that?”

“Just thought I’d know… just in case.”

“Bullshit. There is no just in case. I’m getting you out of here. You’re going to be fine, Eddie.”

But Eddie wouldn’t be; he knew that. And Eddie was ok with that. Because he was dying for Richie, and for all the others, and he was leaving Richie with a full and beautiful life, and now the support of his family, including five of the best people they could imagine that were fighting for all of their lives here in this cavern. He would be lost for a while, but the others would reel him back in with all their love and he would live the rest of his life and be happy.

The others were shouting now, but Eddie wouldn’t peel his eyes off of Richie, a beautiful sight even given the circumstances. He couldn’t help but feel he was so accepting of this because of how wonderful Richie had made the life he had lived. Things hadn’t been amazing before they met again, but he and Richie somehow found each other and made a meaningful, full life together. It was more than Eddie ever could have asked for. They had spent just over a decade together since then, enjoying every minute of it, through all the fucking and fighting and support and sadness and affection and love. They had always been there for each other through all of the highs and lows.

The two of them always brought out the best of each other. They had finally married five years ago, a small ceremony with a few close friends; they didn’t realize why at the time, but it felt like some people were missing. Neither of them knew Eddie would be the true daredevil of the two of them until he had forced Richie to go zip lining, sky-diving, bungee jumping, and snorkeling, visiting at least fifteen different countries in these last few years, soaking up as much of the world as they could. Eddie had found his favorite vice for his anxiety, because he learned quickly that he was doing it all wrong. Why try so hard to calm down when he could turn those nerves into excitement instead? All Richie had to do was keep up, and he always tagged along with a smile on his face.

“How can I say no to those Bambi eyes?” he’d always say.

It was Richie who started the tradition on their first trip to Costa Rica to take a picture kissing at the sunset on their last day in whatever country they were visiting at the time. They’d always return to their beautiful home in Greenwich, saving that cheesy photo in a little album Eddie had gotten that stood out in the open on a shelf in their living room. Eddie happily took care of his business to save for their next adventure, Richie spent his nights writing in front of their fireplace. He was never quite able to make anyone laugh harder during his shows than he made Eddie in their home, and Mina acted like a tiny little mother for their tender pit-bull mix, Hannibal. Eddie could have never imagined anything more beautiful and wonderful than being with Richie Tozier, who gave him a life full of nothing but laughter and love. Of course it wasn’t enough. But Eddie knew that even ten life times with Richie never would’ve been enough for him.

“Richie,” he whispered, loving the way the name still sounded on his lips as he felt his voice fading away.

“Hey,” Richie whispered softly back. “I love you, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds,” he said and smiled. All of their time together and all the memories of his lifetime were spinning around his mind, feeling like a kid again teasing his childhood crush. He raised his hand slowly and touched Richie’s cheek. Richie pulled his arms around Eddie tightly, keeping him in an embrace against him.  _ Not bad, _ Eddie thought. _ This is not bad at all. _

The cavern didn’t matter. The evil beyond them didn’t matter. Even the pain that he had been feeling was subsiding and fading with the rest of him. All that mattered was Richie and being here in his arms where he belonged. “You know I… I…”

_ I love you, _ Eddie thought. His last thought, he realizes, as everything fades to black around him. Everything feels heavy and he has to wonder if the cistern collapsed upon him. Almost on instinct, he lifts an arm to push the rubble away, opening his eyes to gaze upon what death must look like, but instead finds himself looking up into a blinding light.

Awakened. And alive.

“What the fuck?” Eddie gasped, his voice hoarse. 

“Good morning to you, too, sleeping beauty.”

That voice was oddly familiar, but Eddie could not place it recently. He turned and saw his arm in a cast from an unknown injury and another man sitting next to his hospital bed. There was a tremble in his hand as he was signing Eddie’s cast, both of his wrists bandaged all the way down to his elbows.

“St-Stan?” Eddie gasped.

Stanley - now at least a decade older than when Eddie last saw him - looked up at Eddie through his reading glasses, smiling softly in return. The same smile, the same curls (even if they were lightly peppered with gray), the same shrewd but kind eyes. 

“Please don’t stare at my shame,” Stanley said sheepishly. 

“You’re - you’re ok,” Eddie croaked, tears filling his eyes. “You’re fucking  _ ok.” _

“So are you, champ,” Stanley chuckled, clumsily dropping his marker from his slack, unsteady grip. Eddie realized that the nerves in Stan’s hands were probably all sorts of messed up, but - he was _ alive. _

“What are you doing here? I thought… your wife said…?”

“She was saving my ass,” Stan explained. “She was terrified of me coming back as much as I was, once she saw what I was… willing to do to avoid it. So she lied for me. And I… Eds, I’m so fucking sorry, I…”

“Hey,” Eddie said, reaching his good arm out to tug on Stan’s sleeve. Stan didn’t hesitate to get up and rest on Eddie’s sore chest, where they held each other tightly in a tearful reunion. “You came back. That’s what matters. You came back, Stan.”

“I almost forgot again,” Stanley admitted, listing his face and wiping it with the back of his sleeve. “I damn near forgot until I got a call from Richie and I saw his name and I made Patty give me the phone and he told me what happened and I… I just had to come back. I know it’s too late.”

“Fuck that,” Eddie said firmly. “It’s not too late. Because you’re going to man the fuck up and come back to Manhattan and have brunch with me and my husband.”

Stanley chuckled, looking down at his wrists which still shook slightly. “I may be… indisposed for a while. Patty had to drive me here.”

“Uh, Stan. I was stabbed in the fucking  _ spine.” _ The realization hit him as he said it, looking down at his broken body in wonder. “What happened with Pennywise? How did I get out?”

“Apparently had his heart crushed in the hands of our dear friends. Besides, do you really think Richie would’ve left you down there? That Gumby motherfucker carried you out - not without some minor issues…” he added, gesturing to Eddie’s broken arm.

The door behind Stanley opened and, as if he had been summoned by his name, Richie appeared in the entrance to Eddie’s room. His eyes widened to the size of saucers at the sight of Eddie  _ awake,  _ quickly rushing over to Eddie’s other side and showering his sore face with kisses.

“Rich - Rich -  _ Richie!” _ Eddie gasped the second Richie let him breathe. “I’m fine! Sweetheart, I’m fine!”

“Don’t - you - ever - stab - a giant - clown spider - again,” Richie muttered between kisses, practically smothering Eddie while Stan made throwing up noises beside him.

“All right, I gotta go grab some coffee to deal with this shit,” Stanley groaned as he got up. “It’s going to be ten times as nauseating as it was when we were kids.”

“Don’t be jealous, Stanley,” Richie grinned.

“Stanley, don’t go!” Eddie called weakly.

“Hey, relax, Eddie,” Stanley smiled. “We’ve got a lifetime to catch up.”

Eddie did relax at those words, resting his head against his pillow and turning to face Richie again, who had sat himself on the side of his bed. Really, how could either of them stop  _ smiling _ now that they knew what they had just survived. Neither of them spoke for a few tender moments, just beaming down at each other in silent rejoicing. It was almost shameful to think of it now, thinking Eddie wouldn’t have made it out with Richie by his side. It should have been a given. Eddie’s love for Richie was too eternal; he’d keep that with him, always, to give him strength to get through anything.

Not just Richie now, it seemed. All of his friends made it out alive, all of the people he truly cared about more than anything else in the world. He’d see them all later, of course. Right now, he just wanted to lock eyes with the love of his life, thankful for the strength between them that carried him out of that darkness and into the light. The others could wait a little bit longer. After all, like Stan said… they had a lifetime.


End file.
